Back to Basics

I'm pretty sure I lost my Mojo.

Wait let me back track. So Romeo is officially dead as far as I'm concerned. I haven't heard from him since I decided I was going to stop texting/messaging him. Nothing...not a hi, not a how are you, not a I'd love a bj....nothing, which I can only assume means he is absolutely not interested in anything I have to offer or anything at all.

And after I realized all of that I ended up going out a few times and realized that any game I thought I had before had been stripped of me in the few months I hadn't used it. I was now just like the stupid gaybies without an idea in the world of how to flirt with someone at the bar. What happened to me??

The first time it happened I went out with one fo my good friends. We went to two different places. The first was this really busy commercial bar and directly across from us was a cute gay guy with his girl friend as well. despite my best efforts to attempt to get some flirting to happen. NOTHING. I couldn't even manage to figure out how to do the eye contact thing. Then a flaming black guy, I mean Liberace but left in the oven to long kind of flaming, came and sat right next to me. I assumed this was a sure sign that eventually he would do the creepy older guy hit on my kind of thing that I was so used to, "Maybe I would get a free drink," I thought. But NOTHING, again. It was so disappointing that my friend and I decided we would head over to another bar and see how we did there.

On the way we started singing obnoxiously on the street, Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody, of course. Two things you should know: Both my friend and I have been singing for basically our whole lives and we aren't completely terrible and we both LOVE karaoke. So in the moment our plans changed and we headed to this karaoke bar in Boston called Limelight. Usually places like this with a stage and a fairly gay crowd were my bread and butter in terms of getting hit on/ getting a phone number or date. But NOTHING. Several songs and several beers later and I ended up walking home with my friend as she feverishly texted her military man and practically ran dragging me through the city so she could get home and skype him.

That night sitting alone in my apartment and eating a bag of chips I realized I lost my MOJO. I don't know when or how it happened but it did. I had been out the entire night and hadn't managed to talk to a single cute guy, but worse than that not even a single creepy guy hit on me.

Then again last night I went out to a place in Boston that use to be perfect, Howl at the Moon. Just the right mix of fun straight drunk girls, some of the appropriate gay friends, and all of the straight guys that refuse to dance. It makes it very obvious who is playing for my team and through dancing with the drunk girls you usually get to introduce yourself to their group of friends and thus their corresponding gays. For whatever reason last night I simply couldn't make it happen. There were at least three or four cute gay guys who were definitely eyeing me, I think at least, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them and apparently wasn't appealing enough for them to talk to me. What was even more frustrating was a my type was there with a group of 5 white girls, and I just couldn't make a move. Then he went to the bathroom and I thought maybe I can use there hags to introduce myself so I asked if there friend was gay assuming the answer would be yes and I could say, "I knew it, my friends and I were having a contest and I just won", but of course the answer came back as "No he's straight". I thought to myself of how typical this was. I again had locked my focus on the one closeted asshole in the bar. I mean what the fuck is wrong with me that I can never just like a gay guy. Back to the point, I have totally lost my Mojo and I don't quite know how I'm going to get it back.

I guess that is going to be my goal for the next few weeks, find my MOJO. I mean it only took me what 20 years the first time right so it shouldn't take me that long the second go around right. I mean by that math maybe I will have found someone by 35!

Well I guess that's all I have for now....a depressing story about my lost mojo.....I hope you at least get a kick out of it.

Chau!!

Signs from God

Do you every feel like you are getting a sign from God???

Okay this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I feel like this a lot of the time. I don't mean it in like a weird I-hear-voices-God-is-talking-to-me-and-I-Need-meds sort of a way......I just mean 

Do you ever feel like Fate is trying to make a point?

Here is the dilemma....

I NEVER dream....like never NEVER NEVER dream....and in the last two night I have had a dream each night. Now I could attribute this to the new NUtritious Cookies that I purchased and have been eating one or two before bed each night, but that would be rational and reasonable...so of course I am choosing to believe these dreams are some power stronger than myself trying to send me a message. So lets break em down shall we?

DREAM 1: The first dream basically had me upset because Romeo was fucking another guy this whole time. I blew this one off because quite frankly I don't think Romeo has it in him. Also I blew it off because I'm not really sure I would be upset if Romeo was fucking someone else. This dream did leave me with a sour taste in my mouth though. Is it odd that a little piece me felt hurt by a dream? Irrelevant I guess, but interesting to think about.

Dream 2: The second dream had me in a relationship with another guy, not Romeo, but running into Romeo out. Basically in this dream Romeo avoided me like the plague and I'm still not sure if it was because I was upset at him or if he was upset at me.

Basically the point is I find it very weird that I never dream and in the last two days I have had dreams about Romeo....does that mean this guy has managed to squirm his way into my inner psyche already? Are the dreams signs or warnings that I should get out now before things get more involved? Are the dreams just trying to give me the heads up that Romeo isn't as into this whole thing as I am?

Then the Fates to confuse me a little bit more sent me something strange today as I was leaving work. I was waiting for the Orange Line and one of the most attractive mixed race guys I have seen in a long time came up to me and just struck up a conversation. He was hot as hell and my type to a T. He had muscles, brown skin, was a football player, great dresser, was going back to college for a marketing degree...and he was talking and flirting with me. I couldn't believe it....I have always wanted that to happen so of course it does when I am having all of these complicated...dare I say it....feelings for Romeo. Is it a sign that my dream man is still out there and that Romeo isn't good for right now? Is it a sign that I should just go for it with Romeo because my dream guy will still be out there if this doesn't work?

I honestly have no idea what the fuck any of this means....all I do know is it has brought into question a lot of the feelings I am having about Romeo....I'm just not sure it is all its cracked up to be...

Have I made him to be better than he is in my head? Do I want too much? Am I settling or am I compromising because I really like him? Are these things signs or hallucinations? Should I get some sort of psych eval?

Clearly the answer is still waiting for me to discover it...so off to bed I go...let's see if anymore weird dreams await me.

Until Later

Chau!!!

A Little Hope...

So I may or may not be drunk right now....but I am going to blog anyways....I know people always say never drink and blog but I really don't want to forget how I feel tomorrow.

Tonight I went to a friend's housewarming party despite having an absolutely horrid day at work. For some reason I felt compelled to go so I got on a bus and headed to her new place. For the first hour or so I felt extremely awkward. There were only a few people I knew and despite my charming attention grabbing personality I really wasn't having that great of a time.

Then all of a sudden this guy from my theater group showed up. He is awesome. He is a genuinely nice person, with a great voice, and he is super cute. He is friends with a lesbian I am actually pretty good friends with. He is adorable. The best part about him is I saw him interact with his family post show and it was adorable. They were the Cleavers if Beaver was a raging homo who did musical theater. Seeing them interact was literally an AWWWWW kind of a moment.

So this guy shows up and he sort of starts hitting on me. At first I wasn't really sure if he was hitting on me or not. He was being sort of shy and stand offish. Honestly I have had a crush on this guy for quite some time but never made a move because I assumed he wasn't even remotely into me. Then tonight everything changed and it was obvious to me that he may have been into me. I still am not sure if it was because he was gay or just because he liked me but I guess time will tell.

Well the party we were at got broken up by the cops. So instead of being under 21 year old assholes and just going home I went with him, his hag, his guy friend, and my sort of friend/acquaintance/fellow nurse to a bar for a couple of follow up drinks. Just as a funny anecdote this friend person is also a sex toy saleswoman.....and she happened to be carrying around a suitcase full of supplies and one of them happened to be going off....this really isn't relevant to the story at all I just thought that it was funny, but I digress. So we all go to the bar and begin drinking.

The cute guy who I still haven't come up with a name for yet's hag finds out that I am drinking a Long Island Iced Tea and immediately begins liking me and pushing me and her friend to get together. I was so excited. I mean, let's cut the shit, if the hag starts pushing a relationship then that means the other person has at least mentioned you before in conversation. I got really excited. Eventually after doing this really awkward flirting thing we ended up kissing in the middle of the bar.

It was Awesome! He was a great kisser! After a few passionate pecks he ended up bringing me to the back of the bar where we sneaked out the back door and began making out in the alley. At one point we both ended up on the ground, but I stopped things from going any further because I feel like I might actually like this guy. And he seemed to be okay with it.

We then went back into the bar where the bartender quickly and quite curtly informed me that I was not allowed to go into the back alley.....OOOPS....MY BAD! Oh well it was hot and I was into it. Fuck the bartender!

I paid my bill and met him and his friends out front of the bar where I was invited to go back to his place and smoke and watch Legally Blonde....however tempting this might have been I rejected because I think I might actually like this guy and I didn't want to fuck him right away. He is so nice, and sweet, and cute, and smart, and adorable, and I am sure that I am going to fuck this up somehow....

Well I texted him when I got home that I would talk to him tomorrow and take him on a proper date and he told me he was looking forward to it.....


Is it possible??? Have I actually found someone that I am attracted to and who is also a good person??? I hope so... Want to know what gives me hope??? My walk home...


As I was walking home from the bar everything seemed normal. Then as I got out in front of my dorm I started singing a song I wrote (I know how cheesy) called rain....

I want the rain to come and fall on my face.
Give me the storm to take away my pain,
To take away my hurting.
I want the water, I want the wind, Give me the storm,
Make me feel again.

 And as I am belting this out at the top of my lungs it started to pour.....the more I sang the harder and more persistent the rain became. It was like a baptism by nature. I am hoping that it was God's way of telling me that this time things will be different. This time I will have been born anew and everything will be innocent and fresh.

I HOPE....

So maybe tonight was the perfect example of A Little Hope....

And the Rain Keeps Fallin' Down....

I know its cliche to title a blog post as a gay man with a song from Elegies (Its linked for all of my straight readers), but I just couldn't help myself. What's funny is that the song really isn't applicable at all......except for one line....and I just keep singing it over and over and over again in my head....

Thought that I would see the sun by now 

One more tear  

might wash away this godforsaken town, 

but the rain keeps fallin’ down. 

Over and over and over...

As I sit here in my college dorm room overlooking the city of Boston and drinking mate alone watching the rain as it pours out my window I can't help but think that I thought I would see the sun by now.

I thought for sure that at this point in my life I would have found one single person who wasn't a total whacko and who I actually felt comfortable. Just one single person who had significant feelings for me and didn't simultaneously have something wrong with them. I mean I realized a while ago that whoever I fall in love with is probably going to be a little quirky, but am I really going to be alone until I find the true love of my life. 

Is that how it works??? I don't know. Sometimes I feel really weird for never having had a boyfriend, but then I remember there are a lot of people who haven't had any significant other before....And then I remember that most of those people aren't trying to have a significant other....and I feel weird again.

Well I guess that is the end of my rant for now, I'll be in touch if anything else interesting happens....don't hold your breath though!

Chau!!

A Taste of Southern Charm...

I had such HOPE for Rhett....I mean he survived the Civil War you would think that he might be able to entice me.

We went on a second date. Dinner and drinks at a new restaurant and a bar he knew in the South End. It was a good date. Not exceptional, but nothing terrible either. I mean we talked about both his ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend/fiancee, but other than that it was great. Dinner was good and the conversation flowed well. He paid, which of course I appreciated.

At the end of the night though we went by another bar in the South End so he could talk to his female friend who was a bartender and I gave him a goodbye kiss. I initiated...not usually my style, but I felt like this guy was waiting for me to make a move. Even though he is 30 he is still pretty uncomfortable with the gay thing, I think. I mean he has only really been out to his family since he was 27....so like 3 years maybe? So I initiated the good-night kiss. It wasn't bad. It was cute, not foot-pop worthy, but cute first kiss. That night I got texted that he wished he could have kissed me more....which I think is code for I'm drunk and horny, but its still nice to feel like someone wants to kiss you right?

Then Rhett took a trip to NYC and wanted a date when he got back. I obliged and we had a day date this afternoon. We were supposed to watch Will and Grace...I realize that is a really lame cover, but what are you going to do. Before we even got the DVD in the machine we were making out. Then we eventually ended up fooling around. It all seemed a little weird to be honest. I knew we weren't going to have sex but the fooling around was just awkward. This probably has to do with the fact that I took him to be a bottom because of his Justin Beiber hair and I found out, after a little bit of an awkward interaction that he was not a bottom, but indeed only a top.....OOoooOOps....MY BAD!

Eventually we both finished up and then after getting cleaned up there was this period of 10-20 minutes where I felt like a whore. He all of a sudden started walking/pacing around his apartment doing really trivial little things. And then he started writing out a check and I almost had to catch my breath when I asked what it was for worried that somehow he thought I was an actual prostitute. Turns out he was just writing out his rent check but how fucked up am I that my first thought when he grabbed his checkbook was he was paying me for what we had just done?

I digress.....after 20 minutes of weirdness he offered me a drink and we sat and watched two episodes of Will and Grace...and then I went home. I stopped and grabbed pizza and an iced coffee on the way home though. For whatever reason I didn't feel good about this date. I think maybe doing the physical stuff finally just opened my eyes to the gut instinct that I was having on our dates that there was something just a little off.

I think I will probably end up going on one or two more dates with Rhett, but I really don't know. I just feel like there was something about this date that just wasn't quite right and I wouldn't be surprised if I never heard from Rhett again. To be completely honest, I'm not really sure I care if I ever hear from him again....does that make me an awful person?

Well I guess until next time.....

CHAU!

Typical....Just Typical...

So I went on a date last week with a really nice white guy. He was cute, professional, smart, and funny, actually one of his few flaws was his lack of chin....hence his nickname....Chinless. Everything I should be looking for so I figured I would try for another date this week. He was really into it and then when trying to make plans for whatever reason everything fell through. We were supposed to go out Thursday night to Club Cafe (one of the gay bars here in Boston) just for drinks and for a cute and easy second date. Unfortunately he ended up needing to go to Long Island for the week. GREAT! Now that makes two people in the last two weeks that have literally moved to a different state just to avoid going on a second date with me. 

Maybe this is just coincidence I tell myself. Maybe I just happened to get two completely different guys, both great in their own ways, and maybe the both just needed to move out of state within the same week that just maybe happened to coincide with directly after our first date. My life is actually beginning to make me feel a wee bit more insecure than I already did, which is very hard.

I think that the remainder of my self-confidence is actually just being flushed down the toilet. Why is it that I can't seem to even get a second date out of anyone? I didn't put out this time because I thought I would try to have a decent and/or respectable relationship before I just blew or fucked them but it seems that my sexual aptitude is the only thing that has ever really assured me a second date. Right now I am just trying to figure out what it is about me that is so anti-relationship that I can't even get a second date when I don't have sex with someone on the first date. How/Why/When did this become my fucking problem?

On the bright side....

I went out with a Venezuelan deaf lawyer friend of mine on Thursday night. We had only ever met once in person but we have stayed connected through the internet and Facebook. When he arrived back in Boston for his international law degree we decided we would meet up. He has told me in the past he isn't interested in my sexually and only wants to be friends and yet last night felt an awful lot like a date to me. We went to the bar, I paid, we gawked at other people in the bar, we laughed, we drank a lot, and then when we both went to take out separate trains something weird happened.

I went in to give him a hug. And then I thought we were going to do the South American kiss on the cheek thing but all of a sudden his lips were on mine. Initially I thought it was just a little peck, but then I felt tongue just sliding into my mouth. And there we were french kissing goodbye like a couple of horny 8th graders. And me, like the jackass that I am, went to get on the train but french kissed him one more time good bye before I finally stepped on the platform. 

And to top it all off I got a text message smiley while I was at work today. More than that I got a message on facebook saying how much fun he had last night. I am SO FUCKING CONFUSED!!! Seriously I don't know what's going on with him and with me. I do have a little bit of a crush on him and he is a lot of fun to kiss, but I don't think he has any feelings for me. I think when he gets drunk he just makes out with the closest person to him. Its a little sad to be honest. I guess its not really that bright a side, but whatever. At least I had a fun make out session on the MBTA platform for a change. It wasn't a bad way to end a pretty drunk night.

A Great Date

Sunday I went on my first date in a little over two months. The guy who I will refer to as Blisp (black and lisp) was great! Blisp was interesting, mature, funny, attractive, I mean his worst quality was his gay lisp. The date started with iced coffee and a stroll around Davis Square where we sat and talked on a park bench. Then after about an hour or two of getting to know each other we went for a late lunch or early dinner at a cute sushi place. Everything was actually pretty good by my standards for a first date (granted that's not saying much). Then at the end of the date I remembered he told me he was moving. That's right, the first decent date I have been on in probably 4 months and the guy is moving to California in three days. SO FREAKING TYPICAL!!! But what's a boy to do?

I have another first date tomorrow night, we'll see how this one goes, but to be honest I'm not holding out much hope.

The Summer Thus Far....

I haven't really updated this blog in a while for a few reasons.

       1. I haven't really had the time

       2. I didn't really know what I should write about

       3. There hasn't been any major change since my last post

I guess this is the update though...

WASJC= This is completely over. Since our third lunch date we haven't spoken or texted...it was a mutual thing I think.

Mereb= Over and a sour taste in my mouth. We went on a few dates and the last one he asked me if I had been dating other people. I was honest, and so was he....apparently he found the love of his life. However he told me that he wanted to fix me....because in his words I was afraid of being serious.....ding ding ding..what do we have for him Johnny....DUH?!?!

Artsy= Well we had sex and it wasn't bad....I wasn't really prepared to have sex so it wasn't the best either, but he was really into it. He went back home for the summer to be a lifeguard and we have actually spoken a few times since....he could turn out to be a great fuck buddy next year so I am going to keep that going. 

Tiny= That crush is over. He is madly in love with his former fuck buddy whether he chooses to admit that or not. He also drinks a lot and after some thinking is really just too nice and too bitchy all at the same time for me, if that even makes sense. 

There have really only been three new people since my last post...nothing crazy. No seriously, nothing crazy I only had sex with one of them. 

The first one was actually only a crush. He was a friend of Tiny's we will call him SkaterBoy....no not like skateboarder, like figure skater. My crush on him was actually pretty bad. He is gorgeous with an amazing body and a good personality. He kept popping up in my life too, which I of course took to be a sign from God, but it was probably all in my head. Ultimately this crush crashed and burned when I saw him at the beach. The way a person acts and interacts at the beach is a BIG deal to me. If you have a shitty beach personality then we will never work, even as friends. He wasn't into playing frisbee or just enjoying company on the beach, he whined about getting splashed, and then worst of all he wore his shoes to walk on the sand....That was the Pièce de résistance...Crush OVER!

The second one I never met in real life. I went on two different skype dates with him and he seemed perfect. We'll call him LaxGuy who had a good job and was intelligent. Only problem was he lived in Burlington. I am pretty sure he found someone closer to home because I haven't heard from him since our last date, but he didn't defriend me from facebook or block me from Gchat or Skype so who knows maybe in the future something could work out. I'm not really holding out hope though.

Then there was the third guy, we'll go with PillHead. Basically a frat boy waiting to get into the military. He was more of a Poor Life Choice (PLC) of convenience more than anything else. He was there and sexually aggressive and I was horny as fuck....So we did just that. It didn't go anywhere beyond the one time fucking though because I found out how bad he was in bed and that he had a little addiction to percocet....not to mention a kid with two black lesbians...

I think that pretty much sums up the last three months. 

I have date tomorrow with someone I met online. He seems nice, cute, well traveled, and lets face it he is interested in me which is half the freaking battle right?

Until next time...Chau!

3 Guys

After being on at least two dates with the last 3 guys I am still unsure where I stand.I haven't heard from the WASJC in quite some time and I think we both pretty much have the same feeling that we don't really work together. I mean he is actually a pretty chill guy and I wouldn't mind being friends with him, but I just don't think it would work relationship-wise and I think he must think that too.

Mereb is still good. I haven't been on a date with him in a while. I still feel like there is something not quite right with him and I but I'm not sure I think that or if it is simply because it is too right and the commitment phobia is setting in a little earlier than usual.

The kid from MassArt, lets call him Artsy, is nice. He is such a gayby it is sort of cute. So new and so into being really cutesy and romantic. Which is really nice if I am being honest. I haven't had that in a while. Also, Artsy somehow got a swimmer's body. Seriously it really nice....I mean he is pasty white, but he has a six pack so....who knows???

Seriously What is My Life??

I am sitting here on a Saturday night home alone after having watched television on my computer. My entire body aches. I have a bruise on my right calf, arms that feel like I worked out at the gym for hours, and this weird red rash/burn mark under each of my arm pits. How did I get all of these ridiculous injuries? Just another day in the life of a gay-commitment-phobe. I spent my Friday night at a gay club, where not-sober-but-not-drunk-me thought it was a good idea to get up on the stripper pole. I will never understand what possesses me to do things like this.

I mean the first time. The subsequent times I know why I do it.....I am a complete attention whore. There is just something about dancing on a pole like a total slut and having everyone else in the club looking at you that makes you feel, I don't know, special.

But that isn't the point of this post at all. The point is how ridiculous my life has actually become.

Last week was St. Patty's day, which here in Boston is a big drunken mess of a shit show. So naturally I try to avoid it. I do this by having a date every St. Patty's Day.....its my own little tradition that keeps me from being a complete drunken Mick. This year's date was actually a second date.

Who was the prospective guy? Well basically the complete opposite of my type. I am going to call him a WASJC.....my take on a WASP....a white Anglo-Saxon Jew from CT. I really don't think it is possible to find someone who is more of the antithesis of my type than this guy. Now let me give you an accurate description of WASJC.....his face on a ten scale is maybe a 4...he has a big crooked nose, big floppy ears, and a lazy eye. His body is probably like a 6 or 7, not bad....better than mine, but that isn't saying much. And then there is this kids dick. Seriously at least a 9 probably a ten. As a rule I don't find penises pretty, but if I was ever going to say such a thing existed this kid would win. Just perfectly proportional, not to big, not to small, a nice matching set of balls....it is just a very nice penis. It is actually the reason why someone so non-traditionally my type got a second date.

For our second date we ended up going to Cambridge and I learned that he knew who Shoshana Bean is. I was dumbfounded. He earned major points there. So we went back to his place to make out and hook up. While we were hooking up I got a phone call from a fellow nursing major who was in a panic, so I took it despite being in the middle of something. During the conversation WASJC went soft.....not that big of a deal really so I made an off handed joke about it. What an idiot I am.....WASJC was so nervous after my small joke that he continued to be soft and get soft after I worked so hard to get him erect. Eventually we finished the job and I ended up heading home that night.

So here is the thing....he is a really nice guy and wants a third date....I couldn't go out last week and am thinking I might tell him I am free this week. So far there is no problem right....wrong....let me explain.

On Thursday of this week I went on a date with someone who was so my type it wasn't even funny.....a Black Dominican Cherokee guy from Berklee College of Music. I'm trying to come up with a nickname for him....and I think I am going to go with Mereb. For those of you that don't get that reference you will in a minute.

The date was fine, dinner, followed by drinks, followed by going back to his apartment. Now I was not going to go back to his apartment because I didn't want to hook up with him, but my small bladder got the best of me and I needed to pee so bad I just went inside to use the bathroom. I then ended up making out with Mereb on his couch and one thing led to another and another and then before I knew it we were hooking up. The chemistry between the two of us was INCREDIBLE. Mereb is a former fatty.....for those of you that don't understand this let me explain that this means he is attractive but still has the subconscious need to make up for not being perfect looking which makes him AMAZING in bed. Just a fact....try it out I bet I'm right.

I digress.....when we were done hooking up we just laid in his bed talking. The conversation actually came easier lying there naked in his bed then it had the entire beginning of the date. Around 5:00 I saw the clock. I have class at 8 AM on Friday so I figured I should get dressed and leave his bed. When I told him this he started to sing to me......I melted. I seriously melted.......I didn't know what to do. Then he wanted me to sing. I refused. Then he tried starting to sing songs from musicals hoping I would finish them. I stuck to my guns until he sang my absolute favorite song from my absolute favorite musical.....Elaborate Lives from Aida.

I couldn't help myself I started singing and he joined in with the harmony. This is why he is called Mereb. The man of my dream will be Radames from this show. He isn't exactly at Radames level yet, but based on his looks, physical chemistry, and the fact that he sang to me.....I would say he is definitely Mereb.

It was one of those scenes that seemed like it came straight out of a movie. The whole thing sparked that nauseous commitment-phobe part of me....but for some reason I was stuck. Then I just picked myself up and got dressed and left with a goodbye kiss. I didn't know what to do and I still don't

And then on Friday.....so the day after my date with Mereb.....Tiny texted me and invited me to go to the gay club with him. And despite having been on one really amazing date and one okay date in the last week and the fact that the last time Tiny and I went out together things ended weirdly I couldn't help it. I still have a crush on him. So I went and well you can read the beginning of this to know what exactly I did at the club.

Unfortunately all of my skills on a stripper pole weren't enough to gain Tiny's attention. He ended up making out and then hooking up with his former fuck buddy and I was left alone and feeling like an asshole. Fortunately my pole skills managed to get me some attention from a few other people including one guy I ended up making out with who was an 18 year old....19 in six days.....from MassArt. I gave him my number and now I have a date with him tomorrow.

What is my LIFE??? Seriously....why am I going on a date with this random guy I made out with at the club? Why haven't I responded to the other two guys I went on dates with to go on another date with them? They were both fine in their own way, but why do I feel like I should or want to go on a date with this other kid?

I guess it is all part of being a commitment phobe...I am beginning to think that the reason why I have a crush on Tiny is because I know he will never like me....so I don't have to worry about liking him.....does that even make sense? Whatever....I guess I need to go to bed...but I will keep you posted!

OY VEY!

I'm not Jewish, but I think that would probably describe my life the past couple of days.

So the guy I invited over ended up needing more of a psychiatric session than I did. It turned into a very deep conversation and discussion about what it means to be gay and open about that for some people. How you deal with it and tell your parents? How you can be gay and not a self-destructive slut. Lots of different things were talked about. Suffice it to say I will no longer be calling him for nights of fun, but he definitely has my number so that in case things turn out to be overwhelming for him he has someone to talk to. 

This always seems to happen to me. I take a perfectly screwed up wonderful thing that I might have and pick at it. I just pick at it and pick at it relentlessly until I figure out what the underlying fucked-upness of the situation really is. Then I have a crying basket case on my hands and I end up playing nurse. So after probably 5 hours of we'll call it therapeutic communication with this guy I sent him on his way and began planning something for the next night that I would enjoy and would take my mind off the craziness that I tend to get myself into with guys.

Last night I put my plan into action. There is this guy I have had a little crush on for over a year now. He is completely the opposite of what my type would normally be. He is short, white, sort of dorky, into video games, but for some reason I still have this little crush on him and I can't help it. So last night we actually went out together with a few of his friends. We all ended up dancing, which he can't do.....I mean seriously he dances like the whitest kid you know. He got pretty drunk and started flirting and dancing with me pretty aggressively. Which I loved! I'm not going to lie it was nice to have someone that I had a crush on for once express some kind of interest in me. 

Of course we were at a gay club and we got a lot of attention from people. One of the guys who came with us was my crush's, let's call him Tiny, former fuck buddy. Which was awkward because I was trying to flirt with Tiny and the whole time his friend kept getting in on the action.Then throughout the night a couple of other randos came up and started dancing on me to and because I am me I continued dancing back but always ended up dancing with Tiny again. Then around 1 or so Tiny and his hag went missing. 

I really didn't even think about it until they still weren't back 20 minutes later. I then went looking for them and found them in what appeared to be a very serious conversation. I was ushered away from it and told that it was about boys. Then after their pow-wow was over with we decided we would leave. Now here is the thing. I totally thought Tiny was going to come home with me. He had been so into me and I definitely had a crush on him and was into him too. His hag kept telling me outside the club that I was cute and that I definitely had to go out with them again, but then nothing. Seriously he didn't come home with me and it was like a lot of the flirty stuff that had happened in the club was just no longer existent. 

I decided I was going to walk home in the sleet and they, Tiny and his hag and his other friends, all got in a cab to head home. It just sort of sucked. I still can't figure it out. I walked home with the cold sleet pounding my face and body and the entire time all I could think about is what I had done wrong. I guess maybe I misread some signals. Maybe it wasn't all I thought it was cracked up to be. 

Maybe I should have just gone home with the bartender or the guy in suspenders who kept looking at me. Its a lot of maybes, so I guess I am in the same boat I was in before. Alone, again, and just waiting for someone to turn this commitment phobe into a serial monogamist....I'm beginning to think that might be a little far fetched but whatever, a boy can dream can't he.

And Here Comes Another

After a very long and trying week at work....all I want is someone...

I made a phone call to someone who I have hooked up with in the past. Do I think this person is perfect for me? No. Do I think this person is a great lay? No. Do I think this person is particularly supportive in tough situations? No.

But I called them because I knew they would come. Not a doubt in my mind...and so now I wait for them to get here....hmmmmm

If only I could hold out for someone that meant something or be okay with just being alone in times like this.

Out in the Cold

Have you ever just gone out and sat out in the freezing cold just to numb your entire body? Just waited until every extremity was cold....frozen....so numb that you almost don't realize that it is still your limb?

When you were sitting waiting for the pain to freeze and just go away, have you ever started crying? Have you felt the hot sting of a fresh tear pour down your face? While the rest of your body is numb have you felt like your eyelashes were beginning to sting from the pain of trying to hold in the waterworks? Have you ever cried for so long in the frigid universe that you thought your eyes were beginning to freeze shut?

And when all of that is happening, what did you want? Did you want the pain to just go away? Did you want it to all just stop? Or did you want someone to take it away? Did you want someone to share your pain with?

Well aren't you just a selfish bastard! Who wants to share pain? What the fuck is wrong with you? That pain is yours! You DESERVE it! Figure out someway to live with it.......and if you can't then stay in the cold....numb and frozen until you can figure out someway to compartmentalize.

Eventually that compartmentalization just turns into suppression....it turns into becoming a hidden feeling inside your soul. You become bitter.....angry.......mean......cold......soulless.....abrasive.....obnoxious......hateful......spiteful....heartless....ruthless...cruel....demanding.....and then just as you realize that you are beginning to hate yourself you come to the realization that you are a commitment phobe. The reason why you don't have someone is because you have become a miserable person to be around. Who would love you when you act like such a soulless, selfish, bastard????

The Morning After

How many times have I been here before?? I probably couldn't count. I'm not talking about the morning after going out and hooking up with some random stranger. Those mornings I tend to just pretend didn't happen. I am talking about the morning after staying in all night alone. I wake up rested and a little sad.

I'm never quite sure why I am sad. Its not because I stayed in, I don't really care about going out and having a good time. Its not because I slept funny and now I have some weird ache or pain that is causing me physical discomfort. It is not because I did not get laid the night before, but it is something close to that.

It has something to do with waking up alone. It has to do with waking up and having to text someone about getting breakfast rather than just rolling over and asking them about it. It has something to do with having that post-pizza-binge-fullness in the morning all alone that somehow leaves you feeling empty. I guess as much as I am very afraid of waking up every morning next to the same person it would be nice to wake up to someone.

I struggle with this a lot. I LOVE the idea of a relationship. I like that I could wake up next to the same person every week who would think that coffee and brunch followed by a nice walk on a Sunday afternoon is a great idea after having spent a Saturday night in, but I haven't been able to trick myself into the actuality of it yet. If I wake up one day next to someone and that scenario occurs it almost guarantees that it will never happen again. What is wrong with me? Why would I rather wake up a little sad then with the same person two weeks in a row?

God that makes me sound like a huge slut. I'm not.....I swear....its just waking up next to the same person and having that same Sunday routine scares me. I don't want to become complacent. I want to always strive for more. For some reason a consistent person to wake up to means complacency to me....Seriously I have a problem.

Maybe I should get a pet? Although that would leave me with a whole host of other issues....like who would watch it when I went out? What would I do if I spent the night at someone else's place? How would I sneak it into my dorm room? And isn't that just pathetic?

I guess that about does it for today......let's see what happens this weekend.

Another One Bites the Dust

True to form I have completely ruined yet another potential relationship....this time before it even really started.

At first glance this guy, we'll call him Chile, was great and just my type....not white, a dancer, cute, confident, independent, kind, sweet, romantic.....so of course I went looking for the stuff that would make this thing not work. Typical me!

Let me start from the beginning....our first date was adorable. We got coffee and then walked along the beach holding hands and intermittently kissing. Then we got dinner and spent a LOT of time together. It was a great first date....probably the best first date of my life. I mean that is not saying a lot when your competition is a crystal meth addict, an epileptic, a guy who wouldn't stop talking about tea and India, and the list just goes on, but still it was a good date.

The second date was very cute....too cute. I think this was really the beginning of the end. I know how could the second date be the beginning of the end, but it was. We got pastries at Mike's and then walked down by the Coast Guard Pavilion. Then we got 7-Eleven sodas and walked around Faneuil Hall. Again it was a great date but seemed not real to me. It was a lot of complimenting each other. It was a lot of talking about the future. It was a lot of the things  that freak me out.

The third date I ended up just going to his house and getting pizza and watching a movie. He had two, maybe three drinks, and was DRUNK.....I mean like the drunk girl at prom drunk. He started spilling his guts. He revealed his true feelings for me. Told me he wanted to be my boyfriend and meet my family. He told me he talked about me with his family. At the time I didn't think much of it, but the next morning I began FREAKING out!

Seriously after three dates you threw out the boyfriend word. WHAT the FUCK?!?!? I was in full on panic mode the next morning drinking coffee in my apartment. What was I thinking going on three dates in one week? How could this guy ever be my boyfriend?

He was gay and out, which was a nice change for me, but when I say he was gay and out I mean he was GAY and OOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!! It was a little much for me. He really has no direction in his life right now. He is immature in terms of being with other people in a relationship of any kind. So at this point I wasn't going to throw on the brakes and jump under the train, but I was definitely signaling to the conductor to slow it down. And then shit hit the fan......

So recently I got a new puppy and it died. In response to this news Chile thought it would be appropriate to send me naked pictures with a message, Please Don't Take these the Wrong Way. Seriously, don't take these the wrong way? What the FUCK does that even mean? I just told you my puppy died, why would a picture of your cock be your first response? In what fucked up little universe does that make sense to you? Rather than say those things I simply typed an ellipses.

I then got a series of very angry text messages about how I was ruining what we had. Now here is the thing.....what could we have possibly had after three dates? This guy was nuts. That was the final straw.

True to form I tried to let him down easy. Get a cup of coffee and do the its not you its me thing. Which is entirely true. It isn't him....it's me, I don't want to be with someone who is a nutcase and gets that serious that quickly, regardless of the puppy incident.

Once again I have gotten rid of a perfectly good candidate it just about a week because of some very ridiculous reasons. I'm beginning to wonder though if it is really my fault. I mean am I a commitment-phobe, or am I just a crazy magnet. Maybe its not me, but the types of people I attract. Or maybe it is just me. Either way I guess we shall continue to see and you shall continue to read the musings of a single guy in Boston.

Composition of a Commitment-Phobe

Since I talk about myself being a commitment-phobe I thought I should probably provide some sort of way for you all to identify a potential commitment-phobe in your life. Basically what I am doing here is telling you all about my terrible flaws when it comes to relationships and why I have never had one. I don't know if that will be helpful or not but here goes nothing.....

10 Characteristics of a Commitment-Phobe

1. Hates or avoids holding hands.

      I feel like this one should be pretty obvious but for those of you who are trying to make an excuse don't. If the person you are currently seeing refuses to hold your hand it isn't because they are embarassed about their hands or are worried to have them out in the cold its because holding hands with you signifies to every other potential hottie they see that they are taken. That's right while on a date with you, even if they really like you, they are scoping out other potential candidates. They can't help it.... So if you aren't holding hands there is probably a reason for it and its not whatever dumb excuse you make for them.

2. Dislikes the use of Nicknames

      If every time you call them babe or honey you see the person shrink as if someone just punched them in the stomach its a pretty good sign you are dealing with a commitment-phobe. Just like the hand holding thing if you are calling your partner something cutesy then that signifies to every other potential person they are seeing while out with you that they are taken.....and a true commitment-phobe just can't have that can they.

3. Uses Nicknames when ALONE with you

     This is an important distinction from the above characteristic. In public a commitment-phobe will despise the use of nicknames and do everything in their power to prevent their use. However, in private they are the best friend of practically every commitment-phobe in the world. Just by calling you hun or babe, you are beginning to think that they care about you, when in reality those nicknames are just a clever way for a commitment-phobe to not have to use your name. By not using your real name, and sticking with a generic nickname, the commitment-phobe has basically made you into a nameless drone who they can leave without feeling guilty and without remembering your name in three months time.

4. Doesn't introduce you to THEIR friends

    A lot of people lose sight of this one. If you introduce the commitment-phobe to your friends they will undoubtedly mesh well with everyone in the group. But if you never meet any of the important people in a commitment-phobe's life it is a pretty sure sign that you never will. They aren't expecting this to last long so why even bother introducing you to the people who would encourage them to stay with you. Not even worth the time for a true commitment-phobe. Its much easier if you are just their dirty little secret, or the person they go on a date with that doesn't lead anywhere.

5. Never verbalizes feelings of Desire first.

    Do NOT be the poor schmuck who always texts first to say...."Miss You" or "Thinking of You" or "Good Morning". Odds are the commitment-phobe will respond with something nice like "miss you too hun" or "good mornining" but deep down they're thinking...STAGE 1 clinger and getting ready to head for the hills. Its great that you think you're going to be the person to change the commitment phobia the person suffer from, but odds are you won't so just stop trying....it's pathetic.

6. They leave their eyes open while kissing you

    If the person whose mouth you currently have your tongue in has their eyes open while you are feverishly making out odds are they are a commitment-phobe. Two reasons why their eyes are open: One they are searching for someone behind you that will be a future fun person or they are afraid of who might be watching, or Two they are looking for the nearest escape route. Either way its not a good sign.

7. Fu&*ing on the first or second date

    Odds are if the person is really a commitment-phobe the physical stuff doesn't mean that much. If they seem like they are trying to get in your pants, but aren't really that interested into you then you are probably dealing with commitment-phobe. Want to avoid this? Don't bang them on the first two dates! If they are around past that you stand a chance at not falling victim to the commitment-phobes traditional tricks. This of course doesn't mean the commitment-phobe is a player it just means that the sexual stuff isn't really important in terms of the actual person.

8. There is a mention of previous "partners" or people that they were "seeing" or an "ex" but the words "ex-girlfriend" or "ex-boyfriend" are never explicitly used

    Now this one might seem a bit nit-picky, but trust me it is a sure fire sign that you are dealing with a commitment-phobe. Someone who has a phobia of commitment doesn't like to admit it to themselves and will use whatever kinds of words possible to convince themselves that they are able to do the relationship thing, but ultimately they will never use the "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" word because that signifies an actual commitment that they don't like. I know its confusing but its a positive sign.

9. When talking about the future always refers to themselves alone

    A little confusing at first glance but pretty simple and a very good indicator of what you're dealing with in terms of whether or not you have a commitment-phobe on your hands. The commitment-phobe will enjoy talking about the future in a strictly theoretical sense. They will discuss their life professionally, academically, or maybe even with you, but they will never mix them together. For instance, the commitment-phobe is not able to say "Well when you come with me to my Christmas party at work afterwards we can just stop by my parents to drop off the presents." That is just never going to happen. They may discuss Christmas with you  but will never explicitly mix you into their established traditions or plans....that would make it real.

10. You have been together for longer than some celebrity marriages lasted and still have yet to hear the words I Love You come out of their mouth even in the heat of the moment

     For the commitment-phobe the words I love you are like the ring from the lord of the rings. The commitment-phobe is like Golem and doesn't want to give them away to anyone at all in existence besides themselves. This isn't to say they are narcissistic....just that they fear what it would mean if they shared that with anyone. Even in the throws of carnal desire they are guarded against using those words because they fear that an observant person or partner would take them at their word, something they fear more than anything. 

And that completes my list of the ten basic characteristics of a commitment-phobe.....take them for what they are. Learn from them either how to avoid a commitment-phobe or how to recognize your own inner phobia of commitments.

Introduction to Musing

Where do I begin???? Hmmmm.....I guess you have to know a little about me. Currently a college student in Boston, Massachusetts. I am 22 years old and think it may actually be time for me to get my first boyfriend. I'm gay and have pretty much always been out, but I have NEVER had a boyfriend. I've never even had a guy who has come close to being considered a boyfriend (by the way just writing the word boyfriend gives me a nauseous feeling in my stomach). I spent my last semester abroad, alone in a foreign country, and while away I came to the conclusion that when I got back to Boston I was going to try and grow up and see if I could find someone who I enjoyed spending time with on a regular basis.

Seems pretty simple right? Young college guy with no major physical deformities should definitely be able to find a guy in this city right? WRONG! Its a lot harder than it seems. I don't know if its because the guys here are all freaking weird or maybe its me? If I'm being honest, I'm pretty sure its me. I am a HUGE commitment-phobe. I freak out at the first inklings of anything getting serious and inevitably end up fucking up whatever semblance of a relationship I might actually be cultivating at any given time.

I'm hoping and anticipating that this blog is actually going to serve two purposes. One it will be a great way to just work through some of those ridiculous commitment-phobic feelings I have. Two it should be pretty amusing for all of my readers and followers. If by the end of this journey I don't end up with a boyfriend I'll at least have some pretty good stories if my past dating life is any indication of the way things normally go in my life. So I guess here we go...and so it begins.....

Also if any of my readers have suggestions for how I should go about getting myself a man feel free to comment or just message me....I really am up for trying just about anything so let me know.

Until Later....Chau...