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Sunday, May 11, 2014

A Spring Renewal Post

I haven't been able to bring myself to post for months because its really just been pathetic. I have had no real time for any kind of personal life. Any time I get asked out on a date it seems like I am just squeezing them in to convince myself that whatever sham of a personal life I have is still existent. That being said...I have been going on dates and I have not been posting about them and for that I apologize.

Its pretty much more of the same old, same old to be honest. Well....let's start with who is still around....Facebiter....that's right Facebiter is actually still around. However, around is sort of a relative term. Its nice to be semi-dating someone who is equally as busy as myself, but that means there is even less time that we can actually go out on a date. I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks because he was in DC and then I was in NYC and then he was working and then I was working....its sort of a mess. I was supposed to go out with him today, but my phone died of course so that has yet to come to fruition. I messaged him on Facebook though.

The reason I am even letting this continue is really because he is leaving for Geneva this summer. I'm not sure that its working to be honest, but does that really matter if he is only going to be here for a few more months anyway. Isn't it easier to just let the travel take care of any romantic feelings he may have and keep a nice friend? Well that's my plan as of right now because the sexual chemistry never really ignited and the dates were very....umm...erm...Republican...I don't really know that is an appropriate adjective, but its the one I'm going to use.

Now let's catch you up on some folks shall we.... named because he was both a pocket gay and rated parental guidance. I met him on OkCupid and he is from Roxbury. He is part Dominican, part Portuguese, and part English/French, typically a great combination for me. In his profile he indicated that he was short, but I blew that off because I've never found height to really be a deterrent to my physical attraction to someone before throughout my life. He works at the same hospital as my roommate in the human resources department and he has his own apartment and he graduated from college, all pluses so far, right?

I showed up for our first date (we went to Dillon's, a nice bar on Boylston St. albeit not a great date place). When we were in the restaurant, it wasn't until he was standing next to me at the house station that I realized just how short he was. I was tempted to ask for a booster seat. I know I'm going straight to hell, but when you say that you're short you should indicate if its such a height that people would think I was kidnapping a child. I mean suddenly the fact that he worked at a children's hospital made perfect sense.

Let me get past his stature because he really was a very nice guy. Things were just very stiff. He is definitely a rule follower....and I am definitely...well...not a rule follower. I think human resources is pretty much the antithesis of everything a public health nurse stands for in terms of patient care. Beyond the relative stiffness of the date, which could have been attributed to the fact that he was out on an actual date with another guy in a very straight place for the first time ever, the conversation flowed relatively smoothly. I had just gotten back from the DR and had lots to talk about.....

Then came the snag. Somehow I threw out something about him being Catholic and I was quickly corrected. Apparently he was Jewish, but an Atheist Jew, I'm still not entirely sure I understand that concept. I'm not done...Not only is he currently an Atheist Jew, but he was a part of a Christian cult that use to think gay people were going to hell. He use to travel to Maine on the weekends for Megachurch meetings with a pastor who allowed him to stay at his house. He was almost married off to some female church member in Pennsylvania when he was in high school. The kicker of all of this is that his parents were not part of this crazy cult-like religion.

Now anyone who remotely knows me will understand telling me that you use to be in a cult is like hanging a porterhouse in front of a starving bear. I drilled him with question after question after question about the cult. One of my dirty little secrets is that I am completely fascinated by anything that remotely resembles a cult. I think I have probably watched every documentary on the Westboro Baptist Church and the Duggar family that has ever existed (for those angered by my Duggar family is a cult analogy...Fuck you...tell me the difference).

After my cult interrogation I offered to drive him back to his place, which was conveniently located a few blocks from my office in the middle of the hood. We ended up making out and made the appropriate decision to leave it as just making out for now.

We went on another date after a particularly long day at my job. I brought him to a dive bar near Northeastern that I have gone to since I was able to drink during undergrad. Again he looked uncomfortable, particularly when some drunk older white guy realized we were gay and started talking to us. I have never seen someone more uncomfortable pretending to engage in a conversation with someone they were clearly not interested in talking to at all. He was a good sport though and after a couple beers I drove him home. This time I made it inside and we did fool around.

We ended up naked and blowing each other. No sex. But I learned some things about PG. Number one is that he has a beautiful apartment with an amazing view of the city of Boston. I mean watch out Dot Gays that Roxbury folks might be coming for you.

The other thing I learned is that the guy had a total underwear fetish. Like had several different pairs and loved showing them off for me. It was fun and he had a nice ass. I mean the guy's body was amazing. I think that is one of the pay outs the universe gives you for being short. You get amazing muscle definition quickly just because you don't have as much physical mass to work out. His ass was great too. And unlike Facebiter his cock was appropriately sized. I mean by no means was it enormous, but it was definitely enough to handle.

One thing that I was surprised by was his lack of blowjob skills. According to PG he actually hooks up with guys pretty frequently (which is why we didn't fuck). I buy that because I see him while I am trolling the gay sex apps for patients too so I think that is probably completely legitimate. But seriously he could not suck a dick to save his life. I mean he didn't use teeth, but I could have thrown some water on the palm of my hand and gotten a similar feeling. So being the benevolent old gay that I am I passed down a trick or two...which I first demonstrated and had him teach back....I'm such a mess. Whatever the blowjob got exponentially better after my little lesson and that's really all that I right?

After we both came I got dressed and he actually just laid around in his underwear.

It was actually quite adorable. Then I began my interrogation about the cult again. Are women allowed to give fellatio or is that considered sodomy? So the only reason for intercourse is for reproduction? Are you allowed to masturbate? Do they talk about masturbation? I seriously have a problem, I'm aware, and I don't care. 

For our third date he insisted on paying and we went to a nice sushi place called Basho in the Fenway. I had been there once before and I liked it. When we were sitting and ordering though it became quite apparent that he had never really eaten sushi before just because of the way he was trying to order one piece of tuna...the waitress was completely perplexed. Eventually, I had to step in and help because it was just cruel to watch the confusion continue any longer. Dinner was good, but seemed a lot like a job interview. By the third date I just want to be able to have a normal conversation with you and not talk about gay cinema festivals, unless we went to one or we are making fun of them.

Once again we ended up back at his place after a quick coffee (another vice which he did not enjoy instead he got a hot chocolate...seriously PG). Much of the same happened this time that happened the last time. The biggest difference is this time I didn't finish....I just didn't have it in me, I think he thought of this as an affront, but I didn't really care. Then the pillow talk started and I was floored. My usual interrogation of cult practices turned into a theological discussion about the Bible and its literal translation and meaning.

Born and raised a Catholic I pulled my cross out of my pocket and began to put it back around my neck (because its rude to use Jesus to help you with only make that mistake once) and be instructed as to the historical significance of the cross. And then the sinfulness that I was living in even by my own faith. It was at this point that I tried to interject my own theological beliefs, but was quickly shut down. For PG religion was black and grey...which I think is pretty much a metaphor for his entire life...all rules and no room for budging.

After a week and a half of trying half-heartedly to schedule another date PG texted me and let me know that he thought maybe we should just be friends. He did mention the idea of being fuck buddies but I didn't respond to that. I mean what is the point of having a fuck buddy who you have to teach how to give a blowjob.

Hickey continues to be a regular fuck buddy for me. The sex is still phenomenal and we still always have a good time when we are together, but there is always something said or done that reminds me exactly why we should not be together as a couple. There was a brief two week hiatus where he thought he had found a permanent boyfriend, but in typical Hickey fashion became a total clinger and that ended rather quickly and he texted me back right away.

Skaterboy....Does anyone remember Skaterboy...probably not but that is okay. Let me explain. He is the ice skater who I have had a huge crush on that I convinced myself was over after I saw him at the beach wearing shoes. However, that was a total lie. I still had a major crush on this guy and one day he actually rated me on okcupid. Apparently we both liked each I messaged him first. I NEVER do this and I was reminded of why when I did not hear back from him.... Nothing.

I think that is one of the worst feelings really. I knew this guy had at least preliminarily found me not atrocious so I took the first step and put myself out there and's worse then getting rejected. Its this horrible feeling of the unknown of whether or not they didn't get it or didn't like or changed their mind.

But it gets worse....yes it always gets worse with me. I went out with one of my female friends to Machine one night where I was accosted by Tiny. He was there with a group of his friends including SkaterBoy. SkaterBoy then proceeded to talk with myself and my lesbian friend for a majority of the night. My lesbian played excellent wing woman and more than once we were left alone chatting. I even called him out on not messaging me back on OkCupid and he responded that he thought I was a slut...a theory which was totally discredited by my able lesbian.

Then at the bar he grabbed my phone and put his number in it. I texted him that night to say I would text him in the morning about a proper date and he responded that he would be interested. Then the next morning came and I texted him soberly at brunch with my lesbian and didn't hear back at all. I waited and waited. I thought maybe he didn't get it or had his phone was a holiday weekend, maybe he was busy. Then that night I text him a second time...

Yes, that's right the always pathetic and ever desperate double text. Still no response. I felt like absolute shit. I just couldn't figure it out. Why would someone put their number in your phone if they are truly not interested? Why feign interest at the bar if you knew that it wasn't working for you? And why aren't you interested in me when you are sober? What is wrong with me? 

The worst part is that I follow the guy on Tumblr and he always complains about being alone. And that weekend was no different. Was the horrible way he felt about being alone really worse than accepting a date for a cup of coffee with me?

The spiral of insecurities that run through your head when something like this happens is pretty dazzling. I didn't realize how insecure I was when it came to my personal life until that moment. I texted my lesbian the next day and relayed the entire fiasco and she had the perfect response..."Well Fuck him...he was sort of a doucher anyways. I don't really get why you would like a twat like that."

It hit me then and there..."Fuck Him". Did I feel bad? Sure, but she was right, Fuck him. For all the bullshit that might be professed he really was a dick head. If he didn't want to go on a date with me then that was on him. Whatever bullshit perception he has of me is clearly wrong...since I am not a slut and I am a decent moving on....

There is another guy that I went on date with recently. I am going to call him Teeth. He is a bouncer at a local gay bar and asked me out after a clinic. He is the type of guy who a lot of people don't perceive as being gay. He is a sports guy, wears the baseball hats, dresses like a Revere white gangster, and talks like he is from the hood. He has two jobs. He takes care of his mother who has dementia/ early onset alzheimer's. He seems to be a really nice guy. We grabbed a drink at the 99 in Revere and the conversation was pleasant enough. And then I started to figure out the bad things...I know I feel like Seinfeld sometimes but there is always something.

His teeth made the British dentistry system look like it was setting the highest standards for the world. I know I shouldn't care, and I really don't but the teeth were bad. On top of the bad teeth he told me that his ex-partner died of a drug overdose and that he has a history of addiction with benzos and cocaine...Yea I'm not really sure what I was thinking. He has been clean for over 8 years though and seems to have his shit together.

I drove him home and actually got out of the car and met his mother. She is definitely a lot sicker than he thinks she is, but I most certainly didn't have the heart to tell him that. His house is small and he lives upstair essentially alone, with his mother staying only downstairs. He has both a rabbit and a chinchilla, which look remarkably healthy. You can tell that he pretty much lives from paycheck to paycheck, which made me feel even better about paying for drinks at the 99.

We fooled around a little bit. Nothing crazy, but I was horny and he was really nice and clearly expected something. I was very clear we would not be having sex, and he was actually very respectful of that because he wanted a second real date. I get the feeling he doesn't go out on many real dates with people given his crazy schedule and lack of available monies. I will end up going out on another real date with him for sure, but I'm almost positive we aren't compatible. He is very touchy feely...but in a cuddler kind of way. Its actually odd...despite his rough and tough straight guy bouncer exterior he wants to cuddle and be little spoon essentially. It is a pretty odd dichotomy, but there was definitely just something off about the date.

I almost feel like he was trying to impress me or prove that he should be on a date with me. Maybe the second date will be different, but I can't date someone who doesn't have a sense of self-worth. I think we could actually be pretty good friends, but I don't know that the romantic chemistry is really there. There is also the other issue of trying to figure out a time between our busy schedules that we could go on a second date. We shall see....

And I think that is everyone and everything in a nutshell. I have another date with someone next week and will do my best to update afterward.

Until then....