Well...it is officially 2020.....I'm 30..With 5 jobs and in grad school...and still desperately single.....
To be honest I was hoping to be able to update this blog one day with a link to a disgusting Instagram couples account with a picture of me and my future husband on a beach somewhere, but alas I'm beginning to think that is becoming less and less likely as the years trudge on. I oscillate between being okay with this and feeling like if I am still alone at 40 then I might just actually give up on trying to be with someone and just adopt a kid and a dog ad settle down with myself.
It is really funny how this blog has morphed throughout the years from me being worried that I would never be able to commit to now feeling like I might not ever be able to find someone who wants to commit to me. For a long time I have focused on the issues that other people had that made them not realistic for me to date, but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it has just been me all along.
So in a weird act of contrition I think that I am going to make a list of all the reasons that someone might decide I was not a right fit for them.
1. I work WAAAAAAY to much. I have known that this was a problem for a while now that I have just never really wanted to address because work is one of the few things that I have that gives me a purpose. Also selfishly work is one of the few places that I feel like I get a genuine connection with people outside of my family. I'm not really sure what the best way to work on this is....I mean obviously I could just quit one or two or three of my jobs, but I really don't want to do that. Eventually, I will change this one...I swear.....I PROMISE....just not yet, don't make me.
2. I've really stopped caring about my physical appearance in the last year. I really need to find the inside of a gym again because this muffin top is not pretty or tasty.
3. I'm a slob....I mean I'm not dirty, but I am definitely not neat and tidy. I really don't know how so many of these homos are so type A and prim and proper. I'm a mess. I love being able to walk into the house and take my pants off and then pick them up the next morning before work.
4. I can be dismissive of small problems. The people that I work with are always chaotic and frequently in crisis so if I come home or we go out and I have to hear about how Becky at work snubbed you at the water cooler and how that was the worst part of your day then I will probably tell you to consider yourself lucky.
5. I can be arrogant and condescending. I try really hard to keep myself in check, but there are some days when I do feel like what I do is vitally important and act like I am the only person who can do it. I feel like gay dating in some way sets people up to act this way though. People are always looking for the boyfriend with the best husband resume right? The abs....check....the job....check....the money...check...the do-gooder insta attitude...check.....the sexual prowess of a porn star...check....and the list goes on. I have actually been on a date when someone went through a mental checklist with me before deciding to go on to the next activity. Trying to figure out how to create the perfect husband resume and not come off like an arrogant prick is still something I am in a regular struggle about.
6. My relationship with my family can be a bit much for people. This is definitely something that I don't think I can change and its not really something I am interested in changing so I will need to figure out some kind of work around for this. Or just get someone who can understand or appreciate my family connection.
7. I'm greedy. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want a partner on my terms....when and how and as frequently as I can. I don't want terms to be dictated to me, but rather I want to be the one dictating the terms. I want the illustrious career, the blossoming academic reputation, and the 1950s Leave it to Beaver living situation.
8. I love to play devil's advocate. While I might be loyal to a fault outwardly, inwardly I will always pick the opposite side and just argue it out. I find this to be stimulating mental acrobatics, but many people just find it annoying and unnecessary.
9. I'm distrustful of anyone that likes or compliments me. The minute someone starts to show interest I assume there is some kind of ulterior motive. They want something from me or are trying to hook up with one of my friends. I also tend to keep interested men at arms length because when people like me I assume it is only a matter of time until they break up with me.
10. I'm a furnace when I sleep and I very rarely turn the heat on in my house. This is strange for some, but I love my house being a bit chilly. I would much rather put on a sweater or two or bake cookies in the oven than turn the heat on. I could probably compromise about this if ever given the opportunity honestly.
I think I'll stop at ten otherwise I'm not sure I will ever stop. I have a few stories I am going to try and write and get up in the next few weeks. I am going to the Berkshires and then I will be in Hawaii, so I am hoping for a little time to decompress.
Until next time!
Tchau...
