OY VEY!

I'm not Jewish, but I think that would probably describe my life the past couple of days.

So the guy I invited over ended up needing more of a psychiatric session than I did. It turned into a very deep conversation and discussion about what it means to be gay and open about that for some people. How you deal with it and tell your parents? How you can be gay and not a self-destructive slut. Lots of different things were talked about. Suffice it to say I will no longer be calling him for nights of fun, but he definitely has my number so that in case things turn out to be overwhelming for him he has someone to talk to. 

This always seems to happen to me. I take a perfectly screwed up wonderful thing that I might have and pick at it. I just pick at it and pick at it relentlessly until I figure out what the underlying fucked-upness of the situation really is. Then I have a crying basket case on my hands and I end up playing nurse. So after probably 5 hours of we'll call it therapeutic communication with this guy I sent him on his way and began planning something for the next night that I would enjoy and would take my mind off the craziness that I tend to get myself into with guys.

Last night I put my plan into action. There is this guy I have had a little crush on for over a year now. He is completely the opposite of what my type would normally be. He is short, white, sort of dorky, into video games, but for some reason I still have this little crush on him and I can't help it. So last night we actually went out together with a few of his friends. We all ended up dancing, which he can't do.....I mean seriously he dances like the whitest kid you know. He got pretty drunk and started flirting and dancing with me pretty aggressively. Which I loved! I'm not going to lie it was nice to have someone that I had a crush on for once express some kind of interest in me. 

Of course we were at a gay club and we got a lot of attention from people. One of the guys who came with us was my crush's, let's call him Tiny, former fuck buddy. Which was awkward because I was trying to flirt with Tiny and the whole time his friend kept getting in on the action.Then throughout the night a couple of other randos came up and started dancing on me to and because I am me I continued dancing back but always ended up dancing with Tiny again. Then around 1 or so Tiny and his hag went missing. 

I really didn't even think about it until they still weren't back 20 minutes later. I then went looking for them and found them in what appeared to be a very serious conversation. I was ushered away from it and told that it was about boys. Then after their pow-wow was over with we decided we would leave. Now here is the thing. I totally thought Tiny was going to come home with me. He had been so into me and I definitely had a crush on him and was into him too. His hag kept telling me outside the club that I was cute and that I definitely had to go out with them again, but then nothing. Seriously he didn't come home with me and it was like a lot of the flirty stuff that had happened in the club was just no longer existent. 

I decided I was going to walk home in the sleet and they, Tiny and his hag and his other friends, all got in a cab to head home. It just sort of sucked. I still can't figure it out. I walked home with the cold sleet pounding my face and body and the entire time all I could think about is what I had done wrong. I guess maybe I misread some signals. Maybe it wasn't all I thought it was cracked up to be. 

Maybe I should have just gone home with the bartender or the guy in suspenders who kept looking at me. Its a lot of maybes, so I guess I am in the same boat I was in before. Alone, again, and just waiting for someone to turn this commitment phobe into a serial monogamist....I'm beginning to think that might be a little far fetched but whatever, a boy can dream can't he.