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Monday, December 30, 2013

Theme Song for 2014??

This...but not sad...happy dancing alone.....WHY DOES THAT KIND OF SONG NOT EXIST??????

Almost 2,000 Views

Going into the year 2014...this little dating blog has almost 2,000 views....I wonder how many of them have been my mother pretending not to read???? HMMMmmmMMMMMmmm...It doesn't matter really...this is more for me anyways. Although wouldn't that be a kicker. I mean for your mother to find your sex and dating blog once is bad, but to find it twice...that would just be fucking ridiculous. 

I should get back to the point though. I think I need to look at things differently in the year coming up in terms of my dating life. I have been focused on trying to kiss as many frogs as I can. I have some weird Disney version of love where once a person has gotten through their predetermined number of frogs their ethnically ambiguous prince will simply fall right into their lap. Part of me still thinks this is true. Not the kissing a bunch of frogs part, but the Prince Charming eventually just showing up in your life out of nowhere part. Or maybe I don't think its true so much as I really HOPE that it's true. 

I went out the other night after I passed a really big certification test. I went alone to a gay club because I wanted to dance. I had no ulterior motive. I didn't want to get laid, I didn't want to kiss a boy, I really didn't even want to have to go out with my friends, I just wanted to dance. So I did. I got to the club, grabbed a drink, and found two random straight girls to dance with for most of the night. 

Per usual I knew a lot of the guys in the club because I had tested them before, and they all gave me oddly familiar looks. A few (4 or 5) men approached me and inquired as to how much. Again, this is unfortunately typical part of going out to a gay club for me. I think it's something about being fresh meat and usually going with a straight girl or meeting other people there. After the straight girls left I did end up dancing with a guy (cute, black, and from Paris), we even made out, but at around 1am I decided it was time to go. I simply left the dance floor, paid my tab, and then took a cab home. I grabbed some shitty Chinese food, walked the rest of the way home, and watched some crappy late night TV as I clogged my arteries. 

In  all honesty, it was one of the BEST nights out I have had in a long time. I went to a gay club and there was no pressure. I watched all of the craziness around me and could just dance without having to worry about some closeted straight boy trying to hit on me. I can handle the people who think I'm a prostitute at this point (to be honest it's almost flattering if you think about it the right way). 

This is going to be my approach to the new year. I am going to allow myself to go to the gay bars and clubs. Even if that means going to them alone. I go out a bit with my friends who are all straight and I like it, but sometimes its nice to know that there are other out gay people in the city of Boston. 

I'm not going to get rid of my OKC profile, but I am going to go back to basics. No messaging anyone first. Keeping everything online and messaging until the other person grows the balls to actually ask me on a date. And I am going to have no expectations for the first date, only for those thereafter. I will have certain things that will be disqualifiers for a second date, like being out or actually being interesting. 

And with that it is officially December 31st....only 23 more hours of the year 2013 and I am as single as the day that it started (moreso actually). Maybe 2014 is the year....maybe not....I guess only time will tell.....


Sunday, December 29, 2013

Updates...or Hauntings Depending on How You Look At It

As 2013 comes to a close apparently a bunch of the guys I went on dates with are going through their contact lists and deciding it would be a good idea to see exactly what I am up to again. So I thought I would share some of these updates with you. 

Romeo--Recently Romeo has started to play games of Words with Friends with me again. In these games he almost invariably kicks my ass, but always strikes up a conversation. I have learned his plans for post-graduation, checked in about his holidays, and have even talked with him about the every day goings on of his life. It's almost as if he is using Words with Friends as a way to text me and show interest without texting me and showing interest. Honestly, its not doing anything for me. I am responding and being cordial because there was a time that I liked Romeo and thought he was wonderful, but the truth is the being in the closet to his family thing is a deal breaker. Since that still has not changed neither have my feelings about the Death of Romeo

Geri--This guy is proving to be a bigger and bigger mistake with each passing month. He texted me this month inquiring as to whether or not he could get a test. I thought that he must have other options to get the test and was using this as a simple excuse to see me again, but I can't turn away a patient. I don't have it in me. He came in for the appointment and before he even sat down was commenting on my ass. REALLY? At that point I wanted to scream, but I kept it together and got through the risk assessment. It was actually one of the most awkward scenarios I've had in quite some time. I had to ask questions about his sexual history, which he then proceeded to try and make me feel awkward about. Then when I got to the substance abuse questions that I ask everyone he got very upset and almost angry. Geri was also clearly intoxicated when he came to see me so I really do think that he needs some sort of alcohol treatment, but at this point my hands are tied. He does not want to discuss that with me and I can't force him to so I simply gave him his test and sent him on his way. 

SkaterBoy--Anybody even remember him?? I actually haven't written about him in a while but he has always sort of been in the orbit of people that I know. For those of you who are just joining us or who have forgotten...this is a friend of Tiny's who I have had a HUGE CRUSH on for a very long time. The guy is a figure skater with an ass to die for and a good heart. He's a little intense when it comes to certain things, but I love that kind of unbridled passion. 

Well back to the point....he got an OKC account. He came up in my match ratings so I naturally rated him either a 4 or 5 stars so that if he rated me back similarly I would know that maybe he was interested. Well much to my surprise a day later I got a message from OKC informing me that indeed he had also rated me highly. So in an unprecedented maneuver...I actually messaged him first. I NEVER do that. It's like rule number one of online dating for me. I always respond, will always say yes to a first date, but I never make the first move. I guess part of me is afraid of being rejected and part of me thinks that I need a man who can take the initiative to be interested in me. For some reason I decided to buck traditional logic and go for it....and of course....NO RESPONSE. Typical! I'm okay with it though. My crush has been waning throughout the year and one time I saw him at the beach wearing shoes...yes he is a Shoebie so it would probably never work anyways.

Harvard Gaymer--Last week the Harvard Gaymer actually messaged me on OKC. It was a really cute message that basically boiled down to I miss you. That was nice. The conversation continued and it became a little bit more about catching up with each other. He is 21 now and asked if I might consider going out to a bar with him at least as friends since we did get along well together. I think that there really is no harm in that at all. Actually, I believe that he probably doesn't have a lot of gay friends who are of legal drinking age and it wouldn't hurt if I took him out to a gay bar or two and showed him the ropes. Unfortunately, the same problems that existed there before still exist. He is still not out to his family and he is young. I don't mean young in terms of his age, but in terms of his maturity level/comfortability with himself. 

BRP--Well since my last post about him he has actually messaged me again, but I didn't respond this time. I know that makes me sound like a horribly immature person, but he just isn't taking the hint otherwise. I have tried to be honest without hurting his feelings, but it is simply not working so just not responding is really my only option at this point. 

Hickey--We still talk and we still sext and we still booty call each other. I think that he definitely still has feelings for me though so I have to be careful about how often I talk with him. I don't want to give him the wrong impression and create a problem for myself in the future. I like what's happening now, but only because I think that we both have a mutual understanding that it is just a friendship with occasional bouts of sex. 

Tiny--I messaged him on Facebook not too long ago and we had a talk about his date. Neither one of us mentioned the sex. I didn't mention it because quite frankly it wasn't a thing for me and I'm willing to bet he didn't mention it because he didn't even cum. We are still able to talk just like we use to and I am thankful for that....I like my gay friends and would hate for that to change. 

So those are the updates for now on all my men....sometimes I think it must be some kind of sick joke and then I reread the blog posts....

Until Next Time!!


Friday, December 27, 2013

Crazy Magnet Part Deux

SO as I had told you all things with BRP were over. I had texted him and he seemed to accept everything really well. Then about 2:30AM this motherfucker texts me "You clearly weren't that interested, which is cool, but I get it, I'm not your type." 

Seriously at 2:30am on a Thursday/Friday after Christmas. I thought you were a grown up with a real job like me. I answered because I thought it might be a patient and then when I read it I couldn't just go back to sleep. I actually answered him. That's right I answered him and said that he actually was my type I just felt guilty I couldn't give him the time I thought he deserved. 

As previously discussed here I didn't really feel that way, but I think its a lot better then saying...."on paper you are perfect, everything I've ever imagined my future husband would be, but for some reason there is no spark. I don't see fireworks when we kiss. I don't get lost in your eyes. I don't find myself helplessly checking you out every time you walk away from me." Am I crazy here? I mean I needed to be honest which is why I said we shouldn't see each other, but I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings either because the truth is he is perfect on paper and he is super nice. 

The rest of the conversation progressed exactly as you would have imagined. But one thing distinctively caught my eye. In one of the texts he said, "I miss our"  Anybody remember where they have seen that before??? Maybe with Hickey? How crazy is that? I'm still floored, but it definitely just clued me in to the kind of craziness I am actually dealing with when I talk to this guy.

At around 3am when I realized this texting was going no where fast I even volunteered to let the guy come over to talk it out, which he thankfully denied. He did try to get me to see him tomorrow though. I, THANK GOD, have to work and study for an exam I am taking on Saturday. 

I feel bad...the guy is perfect on paper but there is just something off about it.... 

The perfect example of that is this whole conversation we had tonight. A totally appropriate conversation to have had when I first told you I thought maybe it wasn't a great idea to see each other anymore. But you brought it up almost 2.5 weeks later at 2:30am undoubtedly after coming home drunk from a bar. It's just weird. 

I digress....just needed to get that off my chest. I actually have two more updates but they're about people who aren't in the race anymore.

Until Next Time,


Sunday, December 22, 2013

Your Ass Tastes Minty....

I basically ended things with BRP recently. He kept texting me to hang out and every time we made tentative plans something kept coming up; a patient at work, a snow storm, the death of my phone battery. After two reschedules and BRP being more than understanding I realized I was not being fair. I wanted BRP to want me. I liked being wanted and wooed, but I knew there was something off about the two of us romantically. I still can't really put my finger on it just something in my gut that tells me a few dates were never going to turn into any legitimate. He took the news as expected, curtly, and I thought that I had probably heard from him with a final okay.

Then this weekend, again on Friday night. I assume he was out drinking and I got a text message that said one of my college friends who also works with the Senator was out with him and she wanted to say hello. That and she thought the two of us would make a fantastic couple. I didn't know how to respond at first. Eventually, I said hello to my friend and agreed that we should be a great couple. He questioned my use of the word should. I quickly explained that on paper we are really good for each other, but in real life it just doesn't seem to be fair to him. He makes time to see me and get coffee or dinner and I constantly cancel on him for one crisis or another. While I knew the romantic chemistry was not right too, I decided to leave that one alone.

For some reason whenever you question the romantic chemistry of another person with yourself they automatically become defensive. I find this absolutely hysterical. Its not like I am bashing you in anyway if I say the chemistry between the two of us isn't there. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, your dick size, or your personality; if it was one of those things I would just say so. A lack or spark of chemistry is one of those unaccountable things. Its one of the unquanitfiables in the world. For a lot of people I think that concept is really hard. People like concrete things and answers to say that the chemistry just seems off appears to be a cop out to most. I assure you that is not the case. Some times, no matter how good someone is for you on paper (a nonwhite, out, musclebound, politico) there just isn't any chemistry. And other times when someone should have never even entered your list of possibilities (a white, longhaired, ginger, Wiccan) the spark of chemistry is completely undeniable.

This brings me to the next thing....I am still talking with IndyGinger. We text regularly, we both now follow each other on Instagram, and in the past few weeks I have even spoken to him on the phone at length a few times. What is really odd is that there are almost two versions of the IndyGinger when we speak on the phone. There is the IndyGinger who I met in Indianapolis who is really bubbly, happy, and optimistic and then there is the IndyGinger who is so riddled with self esteem issues and body insecurities that I feel like I am talking with a patient and not a guy who I like. We've talked about that and he agrees. Part of me wishes that he would move here just to get out of the toxic environment that is Indianapolis for him, but that will never happen. He is definitely very comfortable with where he is located. Again, I'm going to continue to talk to him and see where things go though, because there is no point in stopping something I really enjoy if at some point something could happen to reveal an opportunity where something might be able to work out for us.

Now to get to the fun stuff....I guess you can say that I buried the lead. Many of you may be new to reading this and may have forgotten about Tiny. Well so had I...romantically at least. I still consider Tiny a pretty good friend and he has seemed lonely since a lot of his gay friends moved out of the city this year. We were supposed to go out last weekend and I ended up staying in because of the snow, but I invited him over to my place to drink and watch crappy lifetime movies. Tiny of course brought his usual friend....the one who I have yet to name...I'm thinking Tiny's Sure Thing or TST for short. So Tiny and TST were both over and we were drinking and just generally having a good time. It was just a couple of gay friends hanging out and I genuinely thought that is how the night was going to progress. TST at one point put his arms around me but whenever I got touchy feely he simply lifted my hand and shoved it back on my own lap. I was getting mixed messages. After a little while, and feeling slightly rejected, I decided to head into my bed leaving Tiny and TST to sleep on the couch.

I was not even in my bed 5 minutes when Tiny came walking in the door and asking if he could share my bed. In my drunken stupor I agreed, and still thought nothing of it. Then Tiny was face to face with me and we started making out. Then his pants were off, then my pants were off, then his shirt, then my shirt, then before I knew it there we were naked and just going at it. I stopped it all and said, "For the record we are just friends who are hooking up right?" I wanted to know where I stood. I have always thought Tiny was attractive but have been so rejected by him before I didn't really know what to expect. Tiny then told me, "Yea we are just friends and I find you attractive and I want to hook up with you."

With that we went back to making out and touching each other. Even though Tiny is short he is super aggressive. He always says that he is vers but the reality is he is all top and will occasionally bottom for a boyfriend who asks. I didn't mind the aggression because for the last 6 months I have been only hooking up with one person who really prefers bottoming. I wasn't sure if we were going to have sex, but I needed to make a few things clear with Tiny at this point since I know his MO. "I don't mind if you fuck me, but you have to wear a condom. I don't care if your dick gets soft." Tiny looked at me almost dejectedly and I didn't care. I have never had anal sex without a condom and I was most certainly not going to go down that road with Tiny. I then moved down to blow Tiny and get him rock hard. He has a good sized dick, but really his biggest asset are his balls. I would say 80-85% of Tiny's bulge, which is above average, is composed of his balls.

After I got Tiny going he flipped me over and started rimming me and fingering me. I have to admit this was a blast. I hadn't had someone aggressively rim me or finger me in a while and it just felt so good. Then it was time to fuck so he flipped me over one more time. As I was getting the condom and the lube Tiny looked at me and asked, "What do you clean your ass with because its delicious. Its like minty." 

I'm telling you I couldn't make this stuff up if I fucking tried. For the record, I don't try to have my ass taste minty. Its not like I am giving myself a Scope Enema or anything. I do however have a brand of soap Every Man Jack that is one of the all natural Trader Joe's types of liquid soap that I use that apparently has some lasting effects. So if you are looking for my secret to a minty ass...I would use a mint scented soap and wash you asshole with warm water and soap while you shower :)

The condom went on and Tiny's dick didn't immediately soften so I tried to get on top at first. This was a HUGE failure. I forgot that when you don't bottom for a while it takes some time to get yourself back into the swing of things. I eventually got myself into the doggy position and after a 3 minutes adjustment period was ready to go. Tiny was pounding away and I was loving it. It felt fantastic. Tiny was grabbing my hands behind my back for leverage and really going to town. We changed positions again and everything was fine, but as we attempted to change how we were fucking for the third time Tiny's dick became like Play-Do after sitting in the sun all day.

Tiny tried fervently to bring the blood back into the shaft of his penis so he could finish what he started but it seemed as though nothing was working. I decided the whole situation was getting pretty sad. Even if Tiny couldn't fuck me maybe I could blow him, or jerk him off, or something so that he could cum...and in turn I would be able to cum. I threw out the option to Tiny and he requested being able to jerk off onto my back while he fingered my hole. I obliged and flipped over. Within seconds Tiny found my prostate and began stimulating it like a democrat trying to fix the economy (see I can make political jokes too). I was loving every second of it and Tiny definitely appeared to be getting close. After a few minutes of fingering I had a first. I orgasmed without actually cumming. As Tiny was fingering my prostate I could feel these pre-orgasm muscle contractions starting to develop in my arms, stomach, and legs, then before I knew it I was hit with this wave of ecstasy. It felt just like I was cumming cum....It was fascinating. At that point I think Tiny assumed I had cum. He flipped me over and seemed a little surprised to see nothing but my raging hard on  staring back at him.


Tiny finally gave up. I told him that it was okay of course because that is what you are supposed to do in these situations, but I really had a good understanding of what had happened. Tiny always blames a condom, but he is also usually intoxicated when he hooks up with people. I think Tiny has a lot of self-esteem issues. I know, from being his friend, that his anxiety is out of this world.  The fact that Tiny and I hooked up is an indicator to me not that he is into me but that he needed to prove people liked him. I also think that most of the reason Tiny hooked up with me is because he wanted to make TST jealous.

Whatever the reason, it happened and I didn't hate it. Even though neither one of us came, I still enjoyed myself. I have no real feelings for Tiny, probably even less after the situation last night, but he is still a really good friend. I don't think there is a problem with hooking up with one of your good friends.

Gay people get shit for this all the time. That we sleep with all of our friends. I have a news flash for everyone do straight people. It just so happens that it usually breaks down differently. Allow me to explain. Generally speaking, straight people have friends within their own gender groups ( a group of guy friends or a group of girlfriends). Almost inevitably (most clearly evident in college) a group of guys befriends a group of girls. These two groups then pass each other back and for like a bowl of mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. The difference between straight people and gay people is that gay people have no base friend group to retreat to after their hookup. Straight guys retreat back to their boys and straight girls go back to their biddies discussing each of their triumphs and travesties with the people in their opposite, but corresponding gender friend group.

This morning TST jumped in bed with Tiny and I and we went back to our conversations about boys, school, and life in general as if there was nothing unusual with Tiny being in his underwear in my bed, which in truth there wasn't at all. Tiny did have a fairly sizable hickey on his neck though (apparently I am more aggressive than I anticipated). I felt bad, not because TST figured out who had given Tiny the hickey, but because Tiny had a date that afternoon. OOOOOPS!! I guess I'm just glad it wasn't my date. I brought both Tiny and TST to the train and saw them off on their way. I am sure that I will continue to be friends with Tiny regardless of whether or not we ever hook up again. He is funny and neurotic and fits in quite well with the gay position that I need filled in my life.

Thinking that is all I have for now. I might have more after Christmas but you never know. Don't hesitate to say Hi!! Also....Merry Christmas,


Monday, December 9, 2013

Every Once in a While

There are some days where all of a sudden I am overcome by the fear that I am going to be alone forever. It is a paralyzing/crippling/take-your-breath-away type of fear that first thing in the morning when I wake up and realize that I am all alone in my house occasionally swallows me whole. There is no real trigger and no real way to assuage the consternation flooding my body. 

Eventually something jars me back to the real world; usually a call from work, or my mother, or a roommate, or a friend. For the minutes when I am laying in bed fraught with the conclusion that my bed is going to forever belong only to me it seems as though there is nothing that can pull my mind back from its interminable contemplation. But like magic....something always does....thank God....

Sometimes I worry that one day nothing will jar me back. I will become one of the crazy old gay spinsters who doesn't even have a cat because he is too afraid it will eat him when he goes. I will be alone in my house with my books and my education and a career that will have long withered away and I will have no one. 

What, an uplifting post? I really should be going back to work. I decided to work from home today (one of the perks of public health nursing). I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before I could proceed in helping anyone else though.

Let's hope one of these posts doesn't happen again for a while. 


Sunday, December 8, 2013

A Ginger, A Black-A-Rican, and a Freak!

So I have a few updates. No one new, just some old recycled folks.

I guess I should start with the oldest in the repertoire. This weekend I invited Hickey to come by so we could fool around again. Our Friends with Benefits thing has worked out far better than the two of us dating ever could have. We both have a mutual respect for each other and we both have pretty high standards for who we actually sleep with which is really comforting in a way. For instance, despite the fact that we have both gone out on dates with several people the only people we have had anal sex with in the last four months have been each other.

The other nice thing about the sex with Hickey is that we have both come to the understanding that sex is it. We aren't looking for it to be anything else. We are both really comfortable asking the other to do things sexually to get each other off. The freakier the sex gets, the better it is, and the more we both just really have a good time when we get together. All of the awkwardness from our first Friends with Benefits encounter is officially gone. We both understand what is happening and we have finally settled into a wonderful rhythm of fucking, sucking, and kinking. (I'm not sure if that is a word, but it is now!)

Every once in a while I get this feeling that Hickey is waiting for me to ask him to be my boyfriend, but he always assures me that is not the case. I'm hoping that is true because I could very easily be setting myself up for a repeat of the Panera incident....let's hope that does not happen...again!

The next person that I have updates on is BRP. As I have said before BRP is perfect for me on paper, but there is definitely something off about the whole thing. For this reason while I was away BRP texted me to say hi, but I did not respond. When I finally got back I let him know I was home and that I still had his hat from his night time visit, but I did not hear from him. It wasn't until the Saturday after Thanksgiving that I heard back from him. It was a very short message simply asking when he could retrieve his hat. It was late and I figured it must have been a drunken response to my text so I let him know I was still interested in seeing him.

I got a second equally as curt response. Not being one for passive aggressive games, I flat out asked if he was upset because his messages were so curt and almost bitter. He then went into a long explanation about that not being the case and we set up a time to see each other the next week. I almost had to cancel on him because of a patient emergency, but fortunately I was able to move things around and still make a late night coffee date work.

We met at 1369 Cafe in Inman Square. It was packed so we ended up just getting coffee and walking around Cambridge a little bit. Ultimately, we ended up stopping at a pizza place so he could get food since he still had not eaten and we both wanted a place to sit and talk.

The conversation was very cordial at first, no mention of the curtness from the texts, but I can never leave well enough alone. I picked the scab and before I knew it I was getting the litany of reasons that he was "pissed" not bitter about my lack of response to him while I was away. We had quite a discussion about his gripes with me.

What was really interesting was hearing all of the things that BRP considered red flags about myself.
Let me begin:
1. I'm young
 2. I've never been in a relationship
  3. I am sexually expressive/adept
   4. I ignored him for 2 weeks
    5. I am ambitious/driven
He qualified all of these statements with: "I mean you have all of these things which individually are red flags but together they don't bother me." How charming right?

I have to be honest; none of his 5 things surprised me. I recognize them as part of the issues I have in committing to any relationship anyways so the fact that someone finally recognizes them as issues in a relationship with me is something that I just have to come to terms with as I continue dating.

Ultimately, I can't do anything about the fact that I am young. I also could do something about never having been in a relationship, but I won't. I refuse to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I don't care if that means I am single for another 20 years. I am waiting for someone I really think is worth it. I could do something about the sexual expressiveness, but I don't want to. I like sex. I enjoy sex. It's fun and I am not going to apologize because I know what I want and I'm good at what I do. I could also do something about the ambition I have related to my career, but I won't. My career and my patients are really important to me and I am not going to change that just to please someone or enter into a relationship. The thing about me ignoring him for 2 weeks...well that I'll own. I definitely could have changed that and I definitely should have.

After he finished eating I offered to drive him home since he had driven me home the last time. I realized that things definitely still weren't right in the car, but I couldn't just send him back into his apartment when we got to his place. I felt like he was looking for an excuse to blow me off or just write me off completely and that annoyed me. I know this is absolutely insane, but I hate the idea that someone would write me off based on those 5 red flags. I felt like I needed to do something to prove he was wrong, even though he wasn't.

I am officially insane! I know and I can't help it. I went in for a kiss literally mid-awkward conversation where it seemed like he didn't want to see me again. I ended up in his apartment and we started making out. He stopped me and insisted that we not hook up. He told me he promised himself he wouldn't do that with me. I was being rejected sexually and I was stunned. I don't like the feeling that someone could just choose not to do something they wanted to. The idea that someone could have that kind of self control around me perturbed me a little bit. So I tried harder. Eventually I won him over and I was blowing him. Then I decided to respect his initial desires and stopped before he came. That was pretty bitchy of me but I couldn't help it. I had to prove the point that my sexual prowess could win him over.


I then left his apartment and hopped in my car and went home. I ended up seeing him again on Saturday for a cute lunch date in Harvard Square. I was super late (this is becoming a pattern for me unfortunately). We met at Tory Row and sat at the bar.

The restaurant was amazing: a great menu, a great atmosphere, and the bartender had an amazing ass. The fact that I am commenting on the bartender's ass should be a pretty good indicator for how my date went. I can't help but feel bad for how I behaved actually. I was sort of an ass. I was trying to treat him the way I treat a lot of my old friends. I was joking around and sort of making fun of him a little bit, but I'm not sure it really came off the right way. Luckily, this guy likes himself enough, and has a high enough self-esteem, that the whole time I was ribbing him he was pointing out how wrong I was.

When it came time to pay the bill I pulled out my card to pay. He insisted on paying. I said we could split it and he agreed, until the bartender brought over the bill and he literally grabbed my card out of the bartender's hand and gave it back to me. Apparently the bartender thought this guy should pay because he sort of chuckled when I again tried to pay and told me, "Nah let's let him get this one." The whole thing just seemed odd to me. I couldn't tell if the bartender had been listening and felt bad for me or if he somehow thought that this guy should be paying for me for some reason. I decided to let it go and just went to get my jacket.

BRP drove me home and we kissed in the car and I jumped out. He definitely wanted more of kiss, but I couldn't bring myself to sit in front of my house and make out with him like I have in the past. There is still something so off about the whole thing and I can't really put my finger on it.

He texted me again today to hang out, but I was studying so I told him that I would have to pass. He volunteered to come over and help and I told him he would just be a distraction. I got one of those stupid :P faces in response.

The last update I have for everyone is about the IndyGinger. I have still been talking to him almost every day. We talk either via text, facebook messenger, or actual phone call about nothing. Simply talking to him about the paper he needs to write brings a smile to my face. Its so weird. We've talked about the sex stuff we did, but we have yet to truly sext. It's oddly enough just to chat during the week.

One of the most recent calls I got from him lasted for well over 30 minutes. It wasn't the same happy guy that called me though. I finally figured out the problem with the IndyGinger. He is totally insecure. I don't know if its something to do with his family when he was growing up, the city he lives in, or some horrible ex-boyfriend he had but the IndyGinger has no self esteem. He is super concerned that his dick isn't big enough, his body isn't jacked enough, his hair isn't the right way, and that his physical appearance isn't good enough for anyone. It kills me. If he lived here I would date him in a heart beat. I would be really happy to see him as frequently as I could.

He is so eclectic and different that I can't imagine that he could feel so uncomfortable about his body. His muscles are something I could only dream of having and his dick isn't small (its definitely not huge but its nothing to laugh at either). I also learned that the IndyGinger has a history of suicidality. Typical right? Someone who I actually like, someone who I actually feel the need to continue to speak with despite being miles away from each other, thinks that they need to hurt themselves. I don't really know what to do. I am going to keep talking to him, because I can't help myself. I am also going to send him my copy of El Alquimista. 

He is really into speaking/learning Spanish. He's not great, but he seems to really like it. I think that coupled with his lack of self-esteem just make it seem like he needs to read the book. Its a great story about accepting yourself for the gift you are and realizing what you already have and its something he needs to figure out. I feel like I want to save him. Again, its crazy, I know it, but I just can't help it.

So here I sit...blogging and watching reruns of the X Factor. I don't know what I'm doing. The more I try and be open and make things work the more confused I seem to get. For now I am just going to avoid analyzing anything. I am just going to accept things as they come. I am going to continue to do things that make me happy.

Well I guess that's it for now. Per usual if anyone has any advice feel free to send me a message or put a comment below.

Until Later,