Restarting on Valentine's Day

Well...it is officially 2020.....I'm 30..With 5 jobs and in grad school...and still desperately single.....

To be honest I was hoping to be able to update this blog one day with a link to a disgusting Instagram couples account with a picture of me and my future husband on a beach somewhere, but alas I'm beginning to think that is becoming less and less likely as the years trudge on. I oscillate between being okay with this and feeling like if I am still alone at 40 then I might just actually give up on trying to be with someone and just adopt a kid and a dog ad settle down with myself.

It is really funny how this blog has morphed throughout the years from me being worried that I would never be able to commit to now feeling like I might not ever be able to find someone who wants to commit to me. For a long time I have focused on the issues that other people had that made them not realistic for me to date, but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it has just been me all along.

So in a weird act of contrition I think that I am going to make a list of all the reasons that someone might decide I was not a right fit for them.

1. I work WAAAAAAY to much. I have known that this was a problem for a while now that I have just never really wanted to address because work is one of the few things that I have that gives me a purpose. Also selfishly work is one of the few places that I feel like I get a genuine connection with people outside of my family. I'm not really sure what the best way to work on this is....I mean obviously I could just quit one or two or three of my jobs, but I really don't want to do that. Eventually, I will change this one...I swear.....I PROMISE....just not yet, don't make me.

2. I've really stopped caring about my physical appearance in the last year. I really need to find the inside of a gym again because this muffin top is not pretty or tasty.

3. I'm a slob....I mean I'm not dirty, but I am definitely not neat and tidy. I really don't know how so many of these homos are so type A and prim and proper. I'm a mess. I love being able to walk into the house and take my pants off and then pick them up the next morning before work.

4. I can be dismissive of small problems. The people that I work with are always chaotic and frequently in crisis so if I come home or we go out and I have to hear about how Becky at work snubbed you at the water cooler and how that was the worst part of your day then I will probably tell you to consider yourself lucky.

5. I can be arrogant and condescending. I try really hard to keep myself in check, but there are some days when I do feel like what I do is vitally important and act like I am the only person who can do it. I feel like gay dating in some way sets people up to act this way though. People are always looking for the boyfriend with the best husband resume right? The abs....check....the job....check....the money...check...the do-gooder insta attitude...check.....the sexual prowess of a porn star...check....and the list goes on. I have actually been on a date when someone went through a mental checklist with me before deciding to go on to the next activity. Trying to figure out how to create the  perfect husband resume and not come off like an arrogant prick is still something I am in a regular struggle about.

6. My relationship with my family can be a bit much for people. This is definitely something that I don't think I can change and its not really something I am interested in changing so I will need to figure out some kind of work around for this. Or just get someone who can understand or appreciate my family connection.

7. I'm greedy. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want a partner on my terms....when and how and as frequently as I can. I don't want terms to be dictated to me, but rather I want to be the one dictating the terms. I want the illustrious career, the blossoming academic reputation, and the 1950s Leave it to Beaver living situation.

8. I love to play devil's advocate. While I might be loyal to a fault outwardly, inwardly I will always pick the opposite side and just argue it out. I find this to be stimulating mental acrobatics, but many people just find it annoying and unnecessary.

9. I'm distrustful of anyone that likes or compliments me. The minute someone starts to show interest I assume there is some kind of ulterior motive. They want something from me or are trying to hook up with one of my friends. I also tend to keep interested men at arms length because when people like me I assume it is only a matter of time until they break up with me.

10. I'm a furnace when I sleep and I very rarely turn the heat on in my house. This is strange for some, but I love my house being a bit chilly. I would much rather put on a sweater or two or bake cookies in the oven than turn the heat on. I could probably compromise about this if ever given the opportunity honestly.


I think I'll stop at ten otherwise I'm not sure I will ever stop. I have a few stories I am going to try and write and get up in the next few weeks. I am going to the Berkshires and then I will be in Hawaii, so I am hoping for a little time to decompress.

Until next time!

Tchau...

Romeo Pt. 3

I realize that I haven't updated this blog in a while. It is NOT because I finally have a boyfriend...it is because I have been seeing the same person for quite a while though. It has officially been over a month that we have been dating. We have gone on a handful of real dates and more than a handful of late night rendezvous after we have both been done with work and/or rehearsals.

A quick recap of some of our dates in the last few weeks.... coffee walks, dinner at CPK, a booze cruise, a trip to Salem for Halloweekend, pizza and tv, and of course the obligatory working lunch (By working lunch of course I mean I blew him on his lunch hour ;)  I mean some things will never change right)

He is still great. He is nice, kind, has a secret sassy side, a great voice, and the most important thing is we have great FUCKING chemistry. However, we have never fucked. I know its a first....I can't believe it to be honest. We have come as close as we possibly can to fucking but we have never actually had full on sex. Its crazy really. But he wants to wait until we're monogamous to do that and honestly that is fine with me

But "ay there's the rub".... I'm pretty sure we are monogamous at this point. I mean I haven't been on a date since I started seeing him. I haven't even attempted to set up a date since I started seeing him. And he told me that he hasn't really been on a date with anyone since his last boyfriend until me. So I'm just a little unsure to be completely honest. I don't know what the next step is. My commitment-phobia is definitely starting to rear its ugly head too. 

The other night I definitely had the idea to just bail. The no sex after a month seemed like it would be the perfect excuse. I could bail and no one would even think anything about it. But I don't want to bail which is a new sort of experience for me and I don't know how to deal with it. 

I broached the subject the other day with him actually. I told him I thought about bailing and I didn't so now stuff was sort of up to him. This is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL!!! I don't really think he gets that to be honest with you.

 He definitely isn't as perfect as I thought though and it was evident as the subject came up. He isn't out to his parents. I mean he is to the rest of the world and I am sure that his parents know but he has never officially told them. For me, that is sort of a problem. I mean I really like him, but I am not going to have my first boyfriend not out to his parents. Somehow there is something illegitimate about that to me. I can't be monogamous or boyfriends with someone who isn't completely comfortable with themselves yet. And no matter how much you claim to be okay with yourself and your sexuality I refuse to believe you are completely comfortable until your parents know who you are. Am I being unreasonable?

This of course means that at this point I am sort of at a stalemate. He won't have sex until we are boyfriends, I won't be boyfriends until he comes out to his parents, and he isn't ready to come out to them. It is what it is. I like him still and I am definitely enjoying our time together so I'm not going to push anything, but I am not anticipating this thing to really work itself out any time in the near future, but who knows. 

I can't think of anything else to say. If any of you have any advice please feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

Chau!!

Introduction to Musing

Where do I begin???? Hmmmm.....I guess you have to know a little about me. Currently a college student in Boston, Massachusetts. I am 22 years old and think it may actually be time for me to get my first boyfriend. I'm gay and have pretty much always been out, but I have NEVER had a boyfriend. I've never even had a guy who has come close to being considered a boyfriend (by the way just writing the word boyfriend gives me a nauseous feeling in my stomach). I spent my last semester abroad, alone in a foreign country, and while away I came to the conclusion that when I got back to Boston I was going to try and grow up and see if I could find someone who I enjoyed spending time with on a regular basis.

Seems pretty simple right? Young college guy with no major physical deformities should definitely be able to find a guy in this city right? WRONG! Its a lot harder than it seems. I don't know if its because the guys here are all freaking weird or maybe its me? If I'm being honest, I'm pretty sure its me. I am a HUGE commitment-phobe. I freak out at the first inklings of anything getting serious and inevitably end up fucking up whatever semblance of a relationship I might actually be cultivating at any given time.

I'm hoping and anticipating that this blog is actually going to serve two purposes. One it will be a great way to just work through some of those ridiculous commitment-phobic feelings I have. Two it should be pretty amusing for all of my readers and followers. If by the end of this journey I don't end up with a boyfriend I'll at least have some pretty good stories if my past dating life is any indication of the way things normally go in my life. So I guess here we go...and so it begins.....

Also if any of my readers have suggestions for how I should go about getting myself a man feel free to comment or just message me....I really am up for trying just about anything so let me know.

Until Later....Chau...