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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Composition of a Commitment-Phobe

Since I talk about myself being a commitment-phobe I thought I should probably provide some sort of way for you all to identify a potential commitment-phobe in your life. Basically what I am doing here is telling you all about my terrible flaws when it comes to relationships and why I have never had one. I don't know if that will be helpful or not but here goes nothing.....

10 Characteristics of a Commitment-Phobe

1. Hates or avoids holding hands.

      I feel like this one should be pretty obvious but for those of you who are trying to make an excuse don't. If the person you are currently seeing refuses to hold your hand it isn't because they are embarassed about their hands or are worried to have them out in the cold its because holding hands with you signifies to every other potential hottie they see that they are taken. That's right while on a date with you, even if they really like you, they are scoping out other potential candidates. They can't help it.... So if you aren't holding hands there is probably a reason for it and its not whatever dumb excuse you make for them.

2. Dislikes the use of Nicknames

      If every time you call them babe or honey you see the person shrink as if someone just punched them in the stomach its a pretty good sign you are dealing with a commitment-phobe. Just like the hand holding thing if you are calling your partner something cutesy then that signifies to every other potential person they are seeing while out with you that they are taken.....and a true commitment-phobe just can't have that can they.

3. Uses Nicknames when ALONE with you

     This is an important distinction from the above characteristic. In public a commitment-phobe will despise the use of nicknames and do everything in their power to prevent their use. However, in private they are the best friend of practically every commitment-phobe in the world. Just by calling you hun or babe, you are beginning to think that they care about you, when in reality those nicknames are just a clever way for a commitment-phobe to not have to use your name. By not using your real name, and sticking with a generic nickname, the commitment-phobe has basically made you into a nameless drone who they can leave without feeling guilty and without remembering your name in three months time.

4. Doesn't introduce you to THEIR friends

    A lot of people lose sight of this one. If you introduce the commitment-phobe to your friends they will undoubtedly mesh well with everyone in the group. But if you never meet any of the important people in a commitment-phobe's life it is a pretty sure sign that you never will. They aren't expecting this to last long so why even bother introducing you to the people who would encourage them to stay with you. Not even worth the time for a true commitment-phobe. Its much easier if you are just their dirty little secret, or the person they go on a date with that doesn't lead anywhere.

5. Never verbalizes feelings of Desire first.

    Do NOT be the poor schmuck who always texts first to say...."Miss You" or "Thinking of You" or "Good Morning". Odds are the commitment-phobe will respond with something nice like "miss you too hun" or "good mornining" but deep down they're thinking...STAGE 1 clinger and getting ready to head for the hills. Its great that you think you're going to be the person to change the commitment phobia the person suffer from, but odds are you won't so just stop's pathetic.

6. They leave their eyes open while kissing you

    If the person whose mouth you currently have your tongue in has their eyes open while you are feverishly making out odds are they are a commitment-phobe. Two reasons why their eyes are open: One they are searching for someone behind you that will be a future fun person or they are afraid of who might be watching, or Two they are looking for the nearest escape route. Either way its not a good sign.

7. Fu&*ing on the first or second date

    Odds are if the person is really a commitment-phobe the physical stuff doesn't mean that much. If they seem like they are trying to get in your pants, but aren't really that interested into you then you are probably dealing with commitment-phobe. Want to avoid this? Don't bang them on the first two dates! If they are around past that you stand a chance at not falling victim to the commitment-phobes traditional tricks. This of course doesn't mean the commitment-phobe is a player it just means that the sexual stuff isn't really important in terms of the actual person.

8. There is a mention of previous "partners" or people that they were "seeing" or an "ex" but the words "ex-girlfriend" or "ex-boyfriend" are never explicitly used

    Now this one might seem a bit nit-picky, but trust me it is a sure fire sign that you are dealing with a commitment-phobe. Someone who has a phobia of commitment doesn't like to admit it to themselves and will use whatever kinds of words possible to convince themselves that they are able to do the relationship thing, but ultimately they will never use the "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" word because that signifies an actual commitment that they don't like. I know its confusing but its a positive sign.

9. When talking about the future always refers to themselves alone

    A little confusing at first glance but pretty simple and a very good indicator of what you're dealing with in terms of whether or not you have a commitment-phobe on your hands. The commitment-phobe will enjoy talking about the future in a strictly theoretical sense. They will discuss their life professionally, academically, or maybe even with you, but they will never mix them together. For instance, the commitment-phobe is not able to say "Well when you come with me to my Christmas party at work afterwards we can just stop by my parents to drop off the presents." That is just never going to happen. They may discuss Christmas with you  but will never explicitly mix you into their established traditions or plans....that would make it real.

10. You have been together for longer than some celebrity marriages lasted and still have yet to hear the words I Love You come out of their mouth even in the heat of the moment

     For the commitment-phobe the words I love you are like the ring from the lord of the rings. The commitment-phobe is like Golem and doesn't want to give them away to anyone at all in existence besides themselves. This isn't to say they are narcissistic....just that they fear what it would mean if they shared that with anyone. Even in the throws of carnal desire they are guarded against using those words because they fear that an observant person or partner would take them at their word, something they fear more than anything

And that completes my list of the ten basic characteristics of a commitment-phobe.....take them for what they are. Learn from them either how to avoid a commitment-phobe or how to recognize your own inner phobia of commitments.