New Year....Same Shit....

I have a few updates....

First, FTA is no longer. I didn't even have to break it to him in person. He texted me and basically knew it wasn't going to work. It was pretty painless actually which is pretty unusual for one of my dating adventures...well almost. 

On New Years Eve I got a few texts from FTA. Most were normal, "So I guess we aren't going to be a thing" type texts but then there were a few that were pretty judgmental. I'm paraphrasing but basically a 25 year old virgin recovering alcoholic told me that I should examine my life and how fast I move with guys. Honestly, for a brief second I was a little concerned....and then he added, "But who knows, I mean I could go my whole life without sex and be fine" I mean who the Fuck says that.... Virgins...that's who....

After FTA I met another guy on OKCupid. This guy is 25 too, but has a job as a healthcare consultant, has his own apartment, and definitely has his life together which is a nice change of pace compared to FTA. I'm thinking I am going to call this one KFlip. He is actually really attractive, a little short, but he is Filipino and has a great body and cute face. He's smart and can carry on a conversation. But like every person I have ever dated there is always a catch right.... Per usual....He ISN'T OUT!!! Seriously I don't know why/how this keeps happening. I mean he is out to a certain extent. He is out to people in Boston and one of his brothers, but he isn't out to his friends and family in Chicago where he is from at all. Its not a problem so far he has been really great to go out with actually.

We have had two real dates. The first was coffee followed by sushi followed by a little bit of kissing at his place. The second date was even cuter. We went to Kings which is a bowling place here in Boston. We got drinks and food and bowled. It was very much a couple type of date which was nice. Then we went back to his place and fooled around. We didn't have sex, but we definitely got pretty hot and heavy, but at some point we sort stopped fooling around and took a nap. The funny thing was he was really really into it and then all of a sudden he wasn't anymore. I don't really know what happened. He kept saying that he liked me and that it wasn't me but I still can't help but think it was me.

To sort of ease the awkwardness I suggested we watch some TV so we laid on the couch and watched Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, my own horniness got the best of me and I definitely think I started to annoy him with my kissing him and stuff. He said he wanted to see me tomorrow though and take things slower. Its probably not a bad idea actually. I do sort of like him so we shall see where this one goes. 

Then one more brief update about Romeo. Somehow Romeo sneaked right back into my life the same way he sneaked out. I am directing a musical this semester....I know its super gay, but hold your judgment...Lord knows I have enough to be judged for already. So Romeo saunters into my auditions after having not spoken to me in probably a month or so and belts As Long as Your Mine. Alright...I mean are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.... for my musical deprived friends...here's a video of the song so you know what it was that was being sung....

Yea that was a bit awkward for me to say the very least. What was worse is the fact that after my auditions that night I ran into him at the bar. While at the bar some frat guy started flirting with him and hitting on him and he kept coming over to me and the people we have as mutual friends to tell me all about it. I wanted to scream. And then he acted like it wasn't weird and gave me a hug when he left. Part of me definitely still likes him and wishes that it had been something that it wasn't. Part of me knows that it definitely worked out for the best though. He was not right for me and needs time to figure himself out, that's for sure. I hope that at some point we can have some sort of a conversation about it not being a thing anymore, but I am not holding out hope. 

I guess for now I am just going to see where things go with KFlip. Maybe this time it will work out...at least for a little while. Who knows?

Chau!!

Well....I got my Mojo Back....

Maybe I shouldn't have complained about my missing Mojo....

I got it back and had a few flirty encounters this weekend one that even ended in a real date.

I mean it was a real date until I screwed it up and made it all weird again....and seriously I am straight back to my old ways....well not straight back, but you get what I mean. So the guy I went on a date with last night. He is a self-proclaimed alcoholic, but not like HaHa-funny-I'm-A-24-year-old-Alcoholic more like the I Attend Meetings Almost Every Night of the Week-Have been to a Halfway House-Could Have been on the Dr. Drew show-Alcoholic. So that is just perfect.

Let me cut to the chase this guy....we will call him FTA....short for Fast Talking Alchie...I know that seems mean which is why I am going to stick with the abbreviation. So FTA is not really my type at all...First off he is super white and tans regularly...yep he is a tanning bed baby...oy vey. On top of this and the recovering alcoholic thing I have never met a more anxious person in my entire life. Seriously he talked a mile a minute and I could barely get a word in edge wise but it was clear it was because he was nervous. I decided it was probably best if I invited him back to my apartment after our short coffee date because I felt like maybe in a more homey type of setting he would be more comfortable.

He had an AA meeting to go to at 8 naturally so he asked if maybe he could come by afterward. I said we should see when he got out first. Cut to me in my living room alone eating Whole Foods soup and watching the WORST VH1 Divas concert EVER and saying why don't you jsut come by you can spend the night if you want. That's right....I blame the 2012 VH1 Divas Live Concert on my PLC to bring a recovering alcoholic home with me overnight after a first date....

We started kissing and FTA just couldn't hang. He was so fidgety and nervous. Then he admitted he has only ever done anything with three guys. Could  you imagine??? So sad. But I digress, an hour or so later I had FTA calm enough to just enjoy my company. So we swapped some blowjobs and the next disappointing factor of FTA came to fruition.....his dick was small and had a skin tag, which I may or may not have mistaken for HPV and questioned him on which I think only made him more nervous....OOOOPS!

A shower finished off our little tryst and then we split a bag of potato chips while watching some old rerun of Roseanne, he popped some pills and we went to bed. FTA wanted me to go shopping with him today....yes he is one of those gays, but I politely lied my way out of it by pretending my phone call from a computer service was work calling me to draw blood on a patient in Dorchester....Isn't it great to have a job that you can get called in for??

Now I have the dilemma of course of how to break it to this guy that I don't think its going to work. I mean for Christ's sake he left a message that said "Your hot" in marker on my mirror.....how do you tell someone that is only cute in movies? Well I am sure I will figure it out....I'm thinking a second date with something definitive planned after that I HAVE to be at so I can make my exit...or maybe just say I went home for Xmas and forget to text him when I get back from holiday??? Who knows, I'll have to think of something so I'm not responsible for this kid falling off the wagon.

I guess that's all I have for now....but good news for all of you my MOJO is back....bad news for my dating life, but probably funny reading to be had by all in the near future.

Chau!!!!

Back to Basics

I'm pretty sure I lost my Mojo.

Wait let me back track. So Romeo is officially dead as far as I'm concerned. I haven't heard from him since I decided I was going to stop texting/messaging him. Nothing...not a hi, not a how are you, not a I'd love a bj....nothing, which I can only assume means he is absolutely not interested in anything I have to offer or anything at all.

And after I realized all of that I ended up going out a few times and realized that any game I thought I had before had been stripped of me in the few months I hadn't used it. I was now just like the stupid gaybies without an idea in the world of how to flirt with someone at the bar. What happened to me??

The first time it happened I went out with one fo my good friends. We went to two different places. The first was this really busy commercial bar and directly across from us was a cute gay guy with his girl friend as well. despite my best efforts to attempt to get some flirting to happen. NOTHING. I couldn't even manage to figure out how to do the eye contact thing. Then a flaming black guy, I mean Liberace but left in the oven to long kind of flaming, came and sat right next to me. I assumed this was a sure sign that eventually he would do the creepy older guy hit on my kind of thing that I was so used to, "Maybe I would get a free drink," I thought. But NOTHING, again. It was so disappointing that my friend and I decided we would head over to another bar and see how we did there.

On the way we started singing obnoxiously on the street, Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody, of course. Two things you should know: Both my friend and I have been singing for basically our whole lives and we aren't completely terrible and we both LOVE karaoke. So in the moment our plans changed and we headed to this karaoke bar in Boston called Limelight. Usually places like this with a stage and a fairly gay crowd were my bread and butter in terms of getting hit on/ getting a phone number or date. But NOTHING. Several songs and several beers later and I ended up walking home with my friend as she feverishly texted her military man and practically ran dragging me through the city so she could get home and skype him.

That night sitting alone in my apartment and eating a bag of chips I realized I lost my MOJO. I don't know when or how it happened but it did. I had been out the entire night and hadn't managed to talk to a single cute guy, but worse than that not even a single creepy guy hit on me.

Then again last night I went out to a place in Boston that use to be perfect, Howl at the Moon. Just the right mix of fun straight drunk girls, some of the appropriate gay friends, and all of the straight guys that refuse to dance. It makes it very obvious who is playing for my team and through dancing with the drunk girls you usually get to introduce yourself to their group of friends and thus their corresponding gays. For whatever reason last night I simply couldn't make it happen. There were at least three or four cute gay guys who were definitely eyeing me, I think at least, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them and apparently wasn't appealing enough for them to talk to me. What was even more frustrating was a my type was there with a group of 5 white girls, and I just couldn't make a move. Then he went to the bathroom and I thought maybe I can use there hags to introduce myself so I asked if there friend was gay assuming the answer would be yes and I could say, "I knew it, my friends and I were having a contest and I just won", but of course the answer came back as "No he's straight". I thought to myself of how typical this was. I again had locked my focus on the one closeted asshole in the bar. I mean what the fuck is wrong with me that I can never just like a gay guy. Back to the point, I have totally lost my Mojo and I don't quite know how I'm going to get it back.

I guess that is going to be my goal for the next few weeks, find my MOJO. I mean it only took me what 20 years the first time right so it shouldn't take me that long the second go around right. I mean by that math maybe I will have found someone by 35!

Well I guess that's all I have for now....a depressing story about my lost mojo.....I hope you at least get a kick out of it.

Chau!!

The Slow and Painful Death of Romeo

Here's the thing....Romeo is not dead. He is still very much alive and still very much a part of my life, but I get the feeling this is fizzling. This may just be the commitment-phobe in me talking now but I'm pretty sure this is fading slowly. 

For starters....I still haven't had sex with Romeo. I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is.....its a huge problem actually. I have done everything except have sex with him. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me and that is why he isn't interested. I know the reality is he wants me to be his boyfriend before he has sex with me, but that isn't going to happen because it seems as though he is never coming out to his parents. So basically we are at a stalemate. 

At this point our dating relationship is I come over to watch the Walking Dead, I blow him, and I go home. Now normally I would be completely okay with this kind of scenario so long as I knew this was my place in the world. However, he keeps acting as though we are going to be together or this is going to somehow progress beyond what it is. I realized this week that it never will. 

Its Romeo's birthday this week and I wasn't even asked if I could join in on the festivities. I did see him, but I am pretty sure its only because he thinks I went out with another guy one night this week. Its surprising how jealous he gets for not really wanting me. I'm just fed up with the fake being led on or the hope that this might be something real for once. So I have turned back to going out with my friends, online dating, and just enjoying when I get hit on. What else is a boy to do really?

Sometimes I think I am never going to find anyone I can call a boyfriend. And do you know what I blame for this....my weird childhood obsession with the movie Cinderella. No not the cartoon Disney version. The version with Whitney Houston and Brandy. I have become reobsessed as of late and I'm telling you that movie and my fixation on finding a Prince Charming as ruined dating for me. Anyone who isn't perfect just seems to end up in my pile of goings through or ends up as a friend I occasionally fool around with....is it just me though??? Or is this how dating is now? If someone doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right are they just doomed to be Mr. When-its-Convenient-because-you're-nice?

All I know is that just like in the play it seems Romeo is slowly ending his life. I just don't want someone who doesn't really want me. I am convenient for him. So I have stopped sending the first text message. I have stopped suggesting things to do. I have stopped worrying about what we are. It is what it is in the end right? What do I care? I enjoy the time I spend with him even if it is just blowing him while he watches zombies eat people's guts and brains.... (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence)

Oh how very typical of my life. 

Good news is....with the death of Romeo slowly approaching I may be posting a little bit more frequently....actually I have another post I'm planning so I will keep you posted. 

Until then....Chau!!!

Signs from God

Do you every feel like you are getting a sign from God???

Okay this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I feel like this a lot of the time. I don't mean it in like a weird I-hear-voices-God-is-talking-to-me-and-I-Need-meds sort of a way......I just mean 

Do you ever feel like Fate is trying to make a point?

Here is the dilemma....

I NEVER dream....like never NEVER NEVER dream....and in the last two night I have had a dream each night. Now I could attribute this to the new NUtritious Cookies that I purchased and have been eating one or two before bed each night, but that would be rational and reasonable...so of course I am choosing to believe these dreams are some power stronger than myself trying to send me a message. So lets break em down shall we?

DREAM 1: The first dream basically had me upset because Romeo was fucking another guy this whole time. I blew this one off because quite frankly I don't think Romeo has it in him. Also I blew it off because I'm not really sure I would be upset if Romeo was fucking someone else. This dream did leave me with a sour taste in my mouth though. Is it odd that a little piece me felt hurt by a dream? Irrelevant I guess, but interesting to think about.

Dream 2: The second dream had me in a relationship with another guy, not Romeo, but running into Romeo out. Basically in this dream Romeo avoided me like the plague and I'm still not sure if it was because I was upset at him or if he was upset at me.

Basically the point is I find it very weird that I never dream and in the last two days I have had dreams about Romeo....does that mean this guy has managed to squirm his way into my inner psyche already? Are the dreams signs or warnings that I should get out now before things get more involved? Are the dreams just trying to give me the heads up that Romeo isn't as into this whole thing as I am?

Then the Fates to confuse me a little bit more sent me something strange today as I was leaving work. I was waiting for the Orange Line and one of the most attractive mixed race guys I have seen in a long time came up to me and just struck up a conversation. He was hot as hell and my type to a T. He had muscles, brown skin, was a football player, great dresser, was going back to college for a marketing degree...and he was talking and flirting with me. I couldn't believe it....I have always wanted that to happen so of course it does when I am having all of these complicated...dare I say it....feelings for Romeo. Is it a sign that my dream man is still out there and that Romeo isn't good for right now? Is it a sign that I should just go for it with Romeo because my dream guy will still be out there if this doesn't work?

I honestly have no idea what the fuck any of this means....all I do know is it has brought into question a lot of the feelings I am having about Romeo....I'm just not sure it is all its cracked up to be...

Have I made him to be better than he is in my head? Do I want too much? Am I settling or am I compromising because I really like him? Are these things signs or hallucinations? Should I get some sort of psych eval?

Clearly the answer is still waiting for me to discover it...so off to bed I go...let's see if anymore weird dreams await me.

Until Later

Chau!!!

Romeo Pt. 3

I realize that I haven't updated this blog in a while. It is NOT because I finally have a boyfriend...it is because I have been seeing the same person for quite a while though. It has officially been over a month that we have been dating. We have gone on a handful of real dates and more than a handful of late night rendezvous after we have both been done with work and/or rehearsals.

A quick recap of some of our dates in the last few weeks.... coffee walks, dinner at CPK, a booze cruise, a trip to Salem for Halloweekend, pizza and tv, and of course the obligatory working lunch (By working lunch of course I mean I blew him on his lunch hour ;)  I mean some things will never change right)

He is still great. He is nice, kind, has a secret sassy side, a great voice, and the most important thing is we have great FUCKING chemistry. However, we have never fucked. I know its a first....I can't believe it to be honest. We have come as close as we possibly can to fucking but we have never actually had full on sex. Its crazy really. But he wants to wait until we're monogamous to do that and honestly that is fine with me

But "ay there's the rub".... I'm pretty sure we are monogamous at this point. I mean I haven't been on a date since I started seeing him. I haven't even attempted to set up a date since I started seeing him. And he told me that he hasn't really been on a date with anyone since his last boyfriend until me. So I'm just a little unsure to be completely honest. I don't know what the next step is. My commitment-phobia is definitely starting to rear its ugly head too. 

The other night I definitely had the idea to just bail. The no sex after a month seemed like it would be the perfect excuse. I could bail and no one would even think anything about it. But I don't want to bail which is a new sort of experience for me and I don't know how to deal with it. 

I broached the subject the other day with him actually. I told him I thought about bailing and I didn't so now stuff was sort of up to him. This is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL!!! I don't really think he gets that to be honest with you.

 He definitely isn't as perfect as I thought though and it was evident as the subject came up. He isn't out to his parents. I mean he is to the rest of the world and I am sure that his parents know but he has never officially told them. For me, that is sort of a problem. I mean I really like him, but I am not going to have my first boyfriend not out to his parents. Somehow there is something illegitimate about that to me. I can't be monogamous or boyfriends with someone who isn't completely comfortable with themselves yet. And no matter how much you claim to be okay with yourself and your sexuality I refuse to believe you are completely comfortable until your parents know who you are. Am I being unreasonable?

This of course means that at this point I am sort of at a stalemate. He won't have sex until we are boyfriends, I won't be boyfriends until he comes out to his parents, and he isn't ready to come out to them. It is what it is. I like him still and I am definitely enjoying our time together so I'm not going to push anything, but I am not anticipating this thing to really work itself out any time in the near future, but who knows. 

I can't think of anything else to say. If any of you have any advice please feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

Chau!!

A Little More Hope....

I have been avoiding giving you all an update on this one for a few days now simply because I don't want to jinx anything. I am sitting here waiting to go on a second date and I can't believe how much I actually like this guy. I am completely sober right now (just thought I would add that for those of you who might be starting to think I have a drinking problem).

Our first date was adorable. I mean Throw-Up-In-Your-Mouth Adorable. We went and got coffee/fancy gay drinks from Starbucks and walked. First we went to the Christian Science Center where we sat, like the gay blasphemers we are, overlooking the reflecting pool and chatting. Then we took a stroll down Boylston St. to the Boston Gardens. Once we got to and were walking through the gardens he brought me to his favorite spot...a fountain in the corner...and we sat and talked some more. Then I had waited long enough and I just went for it...our first sober kiss. It was so cliché! And so freaking gay...sitting on a fountain in the middle of Boston Gardens and kissing. The weirdest part of the whole situation...despite the corniness of it all...I still think it was great.

When we finally realized what time it was we had to rush back to campus because he had a rehearsal that he was now going to be 20 minutes late for....Oooopps! And then we talked about going on another date.

As I sit here typing this right now I am waiting/preparing for our next date. I hope this goes well...everything else has so far...but I don't know.

Oh and I think I came up with a name for this one....ready for this....Romeo. Wait hear me out because I know exactly what you are thinking because even I got nauseous as I wrote it, but I really can't think of a more perfect name. So the part of the story I left out above....he quoted Romeo and Juliet after he kissed me....I know. He is so freaking cute I can't stand it. Okay well that is enough of an update for now...

Off to my second date...

Chau!!!