Theme Song for 2014??

This...but not sad...happy dancing alone.....WHY DOES THAT KIND OF SONG NOT EXIST??????

Almost 2,000 Views

Going into the year 2014...this little dating blog has almost 2,000 views....I wonder how many of them have been my mother pretending not to read???? HMMMmmmMMMMMmmm...It doesn't matter really...this is more for me anyways. Although wouldn't that be a kicker. I mean for your mother to find your sex and dating blog once is bad, but to find it twice...that would just be fucking ridiculous. 

I should get back to the point though. I think I need to look at things differently in the year coming up in terms of my dating life. I have been focused on trying to kiss as many frogs as I can. I have some weird Disney version of love where once a person has gotten through their predetermined number of frogs their ethnically ambiguous prince will simply fall right into their lap. Part of me still thinks this is true. Not the kissing a bunch of frogs part, but the Prince Charming eventually just showing up in your life out of nowhere part. Or maybe I don't think its true so much as I really HOPE that it's true. 

I went out the other night after I passed a really big certification test. I went alone to a gay club because I wanted to dance. I had no ulterior motive. I didn't want to get laid, I didn't want to kiss a boy, I really didn't even want to have to go out with my friends, I just wanted to dance. So I did. I got to the club, grabbed a drink, and found two random straight girls to dance with for most of the night. 

Per usual I knew a lot of the guys in the club because I had tested them before, and they all gave me oddly familiar looks. A few (4 or 5) men approached me and inquired as to how much. Again, this is unfortunately typical part of going out to a gay club for me. I think it's something about being fresh meat and usually going with a straight girl or meeting other people there. After the straight girls left I did end up dancing with a guy (cute, black, and from Paris), we even made out, but at around 1am I decided it was time to go. I simply left the dance floor, paid my tab, and then took a cab home. I grabbed some shitty Chinese food, walked the rest of the way home, and watched some crappy late night TV as I clogged my arteries. 

In  all honesty, it was one of the BEST nights out I have had in a long time. I went to a gay club and there was no pressure. I watched all of the craziness around me and could just dance without having to worry about some closeted straight boy trying to hit on me. I can handle the people who think I'm a prostitute at this point (to be honest it's almost flattering if you think about it the right way). 

This is going to be my approach to the new year. I am going to allow myself to go to the gay bars and clubs. Even if that means going to them alone. I go out a bit with my friends who are all straight and I like it, but sometimes its nice to know that there are other out gay people in the city of Boston. 

I'm not going to get rid of my OKC profile, but I am going to go back to basics. No messaging anyone first. Keeping everything online and messaging until the other person grows the balls to actually ask me on a date. And I am going to have no expectations for the first date, only for those thereafter. I will have certain things that will be disqualifiers for a second date, like being out or actually being interesting. 

And with that it is officially December 31st....only 23 more hours of the year 2013 and I am as single as the day that it started (moreso actually). Maybe 2014 is the year....maybe not....I guess only time will tell.....

Chau!!

Updates...or Hauntings Depending on How You Look At It

As 2013 comes to a close apparently a bunch of the guys I went on dates with are going through their contact lists and deciding it would be a good idea to see exactly what I am up to again. So I thought I would share some of these updates with you. 

Romeo--Recently Romeo has started to play games of Words with Friends with me again. In these games he almost invariably kicks my ass, but always strikes up a conversation. I have learned his plans for post-graduation, checked in about his holidays, and have even talked with him about the every day goings on of his life. It's almost as if he is using Words with Friends as a way to text me and show interest without texting me and showing interest. Honestly, its not doing anything for me. I am responding and being cordial because there was a time that I liked Romeo and thought he was wonderful, but the truth is the being in the closet to his family thing is a deal breaker. Since that still has not changed neither have my feelings about the Death of Romeo. 

Geri--This guy is proving to be a bigger and bigger mistake with each passing month. He texted me this month inquiring as to whether or not he could get a test. I thought that he must have other options to get the test and was using this as a simple excuse to see me again, but I can't turn away a patient. I don't have it in me. He came in for the appointment and before he even sat down was commenting on my ass. REALLY? At that point I wanted to scream, but I kept it together and got through the risk assessment. It was actually one of the most awkward scenarios I've had in quite some time. I had to ask questions about his sexual history, which he then proceeded to try and make me feel awkward about. Then when I got to the substance abuse questions that I ask everyone he got very upset and almost angry. Geri was also clearly intoxicated when he came to see me so I really do think that he needs some sort of alcohol treatment, but at this point my hands are tied. He does not want to discuss that with me and I can't force him to so I simply gave him his test and sent him on his way. 

SkaterBoy--Anybody even remember him?? I actually haven't written about him in a while but he has always sort of been in the orbit of people that I know. For those of you who are just joining us or who have forgotten...this is a friend of Tiny's who I have had a HUGE CRUSH on for a very long time. The guy is a figure skater with an ass to die for and a good heart. He's a little intense when it comes to certain things, but I love that kind of unbridled passion. 

Well back to the point....he got an OKC account. He came up in my match ratings so I naturally rated him either a 4 or 5 stars so that if he rated me back similarly I would know that maybe he was interested. Well much to my surprise a day later I got a message from OKC informing me that indeed he had also rated me highly. So in an unprecedented maneuver...I actually messaged him first. I NEVER do that. It's like rule number one of online dating for me. I always respond, will always say yes to a first date, but I never make the first move. I guess part of me is afraid of being rejected and part of me thinks that I need a man who can take the initiative to be interested in me. For some reason I decided to buck traditional logic and go for it....and of course....NO RESPONSE. Typical! I'm okay with it though. My crush has been waning throughout the year and one time I saw him at the beach wearing shoes...yes he is a Shoebie so it would probably never work anyways.

Harvard Gaymer--Last week the Harvard Gaymer actually messaged me on OKC. It was a really cute message that basically boiled down to I miss you. That was nice. The conversation continued and it became a little bit more about catching up with each other. He is 21 now and asked if I might consider going out to a bar with him at least as friends since we did get along well together. I think that there really is no harm in that at all. Actually, I believe that he probably doesn't have a lot of gay friends who are of legal drinking age and it wouldn't hurt if I took him out to a gay bar or two and showed him the ropes. Unfortunately, the same problems that existed there before still exist. He is still not out to his family and he is young. I don't mean young in terms of his age, but in terms of his maturity level/comfortability with himself. 

BRP--Well since my last post about him he has actually messaged me again, but I didn't respond this time. I know that makes me sound like a horribly immature person, but he just isn't taking the hint otherwise. I have tried to be honest without hurting his feelings, but it is simply not working so just not responding is really my only option at this point. 

Hickey--We still talk and we still sext and we still booty call each other. I think that he definitely still has feelings for me though so I have to be careful about how often I talk with him. I don't want to give him the wrong impression and create a problem for myself in the future. I like what's happening now, but only because I think that we both have a mutual understanding that it is just a friendship with occasional bouts of sex. 

Tiny--I messaged him on Facebook not too long ago and we had a talk about his date. Neither one of us mentioned the sex. I didn't mention it because quite frankly it wasn't a thing for me and I'm willing to bet he didn't mention it because he didn't even cum. We are still able to talk just like we use to and I am thankful for that....I like my gay friends and would hate for that to change. 

So those are the updates for now on all my men....sometimes I think it must be some kind of sick joke and then I reread the blog posts....

Until Next Time!!

Chau!

Crazy Magnet Part Deux

SO as I had told you all things with BRP were over. I had texted him and he seemed to accept everything really well. Then tonight....at about 2:30AM this motherfucker texts me "You clearly weren't that interested, which is cool, but I get it, I'm not your type." 

Seriously at 2:30am on a Thursday/Friday after Christmas. I thought you were a grown up with a real job like me. I answered because I thought it might be a patient and then when I read it I couldn't just go back to sleep. I actually answered him. That's right I answered him and said that he actually was my type I just felt guilty I couldn't give him the time I thought he deserved. 

As previously discussed here I didn't really feel that way, but I think its a lot better then saying...."on paper you are perfect, everything I've ever imagined my future husband would be, but for some reason there is no spark. I don't see fireworks when we kiss. I don't get lost in your eyes. I don't find myself helplessly checking you out every time you walk away from me." Am I crazy here? I mean I needed to be honest which is why I said we shouldn't see each other, but I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings either because the truth is he is perfect on paper and he is super nice. 

The rest of the conversation progressed exactly as you would have imagined. But one thing distinctively caught my eye. In one of the texts he said, "I miss our sex...lol"  Anybody remember where they have seen that before??? Maybe with Hickey? How crazy is that? I'm still floored, but it definitely just clued me in to the kind of craziness I am actually dealing with when I talk to this guy.

At around 3am when I realized this texting was going no where fast I even volunteered to let the guy come over to talk it out, which he thankfully denied. He did try to get me to see him tomorrow though. I, THANK GOD, have to work and study for an exam I am taking on Saturday. 

I feel bad...the guy is perfect on paper but there is just something off about it.... 

The perfect example of that is this whole conversation we had tonight. A totally appropriate conversation to have had when I first told you I thought maybe it wasn't a great idea to see each other anymore. But you brought it up almost 2.5 weeks later at 2:30am undoubtedly after coming home drunk from a bar. It's just weird. 

I digress....just needed to get that off my chest. I actually have two more updates but they're about people who aren't in the race anymore.

Until Next Time,

Chau!!

Your Ass Tastes Minty....

I basically ended things with BRP recently. He kept texting me to hang out and every time we made tentative plans something kept coming up; a patient at work, a snow storm, the death of my phone battery. After two reschedules and BRP being more than understanding I realized I was not being fair. I wanted BRP to want me. I liked being wanted and wooed, but I knew there was something off about the two of us romantically. I still can't really put my finger on it just something in my gut that tells me a few dates were never going to turn into any legitimate. He took the news as expected, curtly, and I thought that I had probably heard from him with a final okay.

Then this weekend, again on Friday night. I assume he was out drinking and I got a text message that said one of my college friends who also works with the Senator was out with him and she wanted to say hello. That and she thought the two of us would make a fantastic couple. I didn't know how to respond at first. Eventually, I said hello to my friend and agreed that we should be a great couple. He questioned my use of the word should. I quickly explained that on paper we are really good for each other, but in real life it just doesn't seem to be fair to him. He makes time to see me and get coffee or dinner and I constantly cancel on him for one crisis or another. While I knew the romantic chemistry was not right too, I decided to leave that one alone.

For some reason whenever you question the romantic chemistry of another person with yourself they automatically become defensive. I find this absolutely hysterical. Its not like I am bashing you in anyway if I say the chemistry between the two of us isn't there. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, your dick size, or your personality; if it was one of those things I would just say so. A lack or spark of chemistry is one of those unaccountable things. Its one of the unquanitfiables in the world. For a lot of people I think that concept is really hard. People like concrete things and answers to say that the chemistry just seems off appears to be a cop out to most. I assure you that is not the case. Some times, no matter how good someone is for you on paper (a nonwhite, out, musclebound, politico) there just isn't any chemistry. And other times when someone should have never even entered your list of possibilities (a white, longhaired, ginger, Wiccan) the spark of chemistry is completely undeniable.

This brings me to the next thing....I am still talking with IndyGinger. We text regularly, we both now follow each other on Instagram, and in the past few weeks I have even spoken to him on the phone at length a few times. What is really odd is that there are almost two versions of the IndyGinger when we speak on the phone. There is the IndyGinger who I met in Indianapolis who is really bubbly, happy, and optimistic and then there is the IndyGinger who is so riddled with self esteem issues and body insecurities that I feel like I am talking with a patient and not a guy who I like. We've talked about that and he agrees. Part of me wishes that he would move here just to get out of the toxic environment that is Indianapolis for him, but that will never happen. He is definitely very comfortable with where he is located. Again, I'm going to continue to talk to him and see where things go though, because there is no point in stopping something I really enjoy if at some point something could happen to reveal an opportunity where something might be able to work out for us.

Now to get to the fun stuff....I guess you can say that I buried the lead. Many of you may be new to reading this and may have forgotten about Tiny. Well so had I...romantically at least. I still consider Tiny a pretty good friend and he has seemed lonely since a lot of his gay friends moved out of the city this year. We were supposed to go out last weekend and I ended up staying in because of the snow, but I invited him over to my place to drink and watch crappy lifetime movies. Tiny of course brought his usual friend....the one who I have yet to name...I'm thinking Tiny's Sure Thing or TST for short. So Tiny and TST were both over and we were drinking and just generally having a good time. It was just a couple of gay friends hanging out and I genuinely thought that is how the night was going to progress. TST at one point put his arms around me but whenever I got touchy feely he simply lifted my hand and shoved it back on my own lap. I was getting mixed messages. After a little while, and feeling slightly rejected, I decided to head into my bed leaving Tiny and TST to sleep on the couch.

I was not even in my bed 5 minutes when Tiny came walking in the door and asking if he could share my bed. In my drunken stupor I agreed, and still thought nothing of it. Then Tiny was face to face with me and we started making out. Then his pants were off, then my pants were off, then his shirt, then my shirt, then before I knew it there we were naked and just going at it. I stopped it all and said, "For the record we are just friends who are hooking up right?" I wanted to know where I stood. I have always thought Tiny was attractive but have been so rejected by him before I didn't really know what to expect. Tiny then told me, "Yea we are just friends and I find you attractive and I want to hook up with you."

**************************************NSFW**************************************
With that we went back to making out and touching each other. Even though Tiny is short he is super aggressive. He always says that he is vers but the reality is he is all top and will occasionally bottom for a boyfriend who asks. I didn't mind the aggression because for the last 6 months I have been only hooking up with one person who really prefers bottoming. I wasn't sure if we were going to have sex, but I needed to make a few things clear with Tiny at this point since I know his MO. "I don't mind if you fuck me, but you have to wear a condom. I don't care if your dick gets soft." Tiny looked at me almost dejectedly and I didn't care. I have never had anal sex without a condom and I was most certainly not going to go down that road with Tiny. I then moved down to blow Tiny and get him rock hard. He has a good sized dick, but really his biggest asset are his balls. I would say 80-85% of Tiny's bulge, which is above average, is composed of his balls.

After I got Tiny going he flipped me over and started rimming me and fingering me. I have to admit this was a blast. I hadn't had someone aggressively rim me or finger me in a while and it just felt so good. Then it was time to fuck so he flipped me over one more time. As I was getting the condom and the lube Tiny looked at me and asked, "What do you clean your ass with because its delicious. Its like minty." 

I'm telling you I couldn't make this stuff up if I fucking tried. For the record, I don't try to have my ass taste minty. Its not like I am giving myself a Scope Enema or anything. I do however have a brand of soap Every Man Jack that is one of the all natural Trader Joe's types of liquid soap that I use that apparently has some lasting effects. So if you are looking for my secret to a minty ass...I would use a mint scented soap and wash you asshole with warm water and soap while you shower :)

The condom went on and Tiny's dick didn't immediately soften so I tried to get on top at first. This was a HUGE failure. I forgot that when you don't bottom for a while it takes some time to get yourself back into the swing of things. I eventually got myself into the doggy position and after a 3 minutes adjustment period was ready to go. Tiny was pounding away and I was loving it. It felt fantastic. Tiny was grabbing my hands behind my back for leverage and really going to town. We changed positions again and everything was fine, but as we attempted to change how we were fucking for the third time Tiny's dick became like Play-Do after sitting in the sun all day.

Tiny tried fervently to bring the blood back into the shaft of his penis so he could finish what he started but it seemed as though nothing was working. I decided the whole situation was getting pretty sad. Even if Tiny couldn't fuck me maybe I could blow him, or jerk him off, or something so that he could cum...and in turn I would be able to cum. I threw out the option to Tiny and he requested being able to jerk off onto my back while he fingered my hole. I obliged and flipped over. Within seconds Tiny found my prostate and began stimulating it like a democrat trying to fix the economy (see I can make political jokes too). I was loving every second of it and Tiny definitely appeared to be getting close. After a few minutes of fingering I had a first. I orgasmed without actually cumming. As Tiny was fingering my prostate I could feel these pre-orgasm muscle contractions starting to develop in my arms, stomach, and legs, then before I knew it I was hit with this wave of ecstasy. It felt just like I was cumming only....no cum....It was fascinating. At that point I think Tiny assumed I had cum. He flipped me over and seemed a little surprised to see nothing but my raging hard on  staring back at him.

**********************************SFW*****************************************

Tiny finally gave up. I told him that it was okay of course because that is what you are supposed to do in these situations, but I really had a good understanding of what had happened. Tiny always blames a condom, but he is also usually intoxicated when he hooks up with people. I think Tiny has a lot of self-esteem issues. I know, from being his friend, that his anxiety is out of this world.  The fact that Tiny and I hooked up is an indicator to me not that he is into me but that he needed to prove people liked him. I also think that most of the reason Tiny hooked up with me is because he wanted to make TST jealous.

Whatever the reason, it happened and I didn't hate it. Even though neither one of us came, I still enjoyed myself. I have no real feelings for Tiny, probably even less after the situation last night, but he is still a really good friend. I don't think there is a problem with hooking up with one of your good friends.

Gay people get shit for this all the time. That we sleep with all of our friends. I have a news flash for everyone though....so do straight people. It just so happens that it usually breaks down differently. Allow me to explain. Generally speaking, straight people have friends within their own gender groups ( a group of guy friends or a group of girlfriends). Almost inevitably (most clearly evident in college) a group of guys befriends a group of girls. These two groups then pass each other back and for like a bowl of mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. The difference between straight people and gay people is that gay people have no base friend group to retreat to after their hookup. Straight guys retreat back to their boys and straight girls go back to their biddies discussing each of their triumphs and travesties with the people in their opposite, but corresponding gender friend group.

This morning TST jumped in bed with Tiny and I and we went back to our conversations about boys, school, and life in general as if there was nothing unusual with Tiny being in his underwear in my bed, which in truth there wasn't at all. Tiny did have a fairly sizable hickey on his neck though (apparently I am more aggressive than I anticipated). I felt bad, not because TST figured out who had given Tiny the hickey, but because Tiny had a date that afternoon. OOOOOPS!! I guess I'm just glad it wasn't my date. I brought both Tiny and TST to the train and saw them off on their way. I am sure that I will continue to be friends with Tiny regardless of whether or not we ever hook up again. He is funny and neurotic and fits in quite well with the gay position that I need filled in my life.

Thinking that is all I have for now. I might have more after Christmas but you never know. Don't hesitate to say Hi!! Also....Merry Christmas,

Chau!!!

Every Once in a While

There are some days where all of a sudden I am overcome by the fear that I am going to be alone forever. It is a paralyzing/crippling/take-your-breath-away type of fear that first thing in the morning when I wake up and realize that I am all alone in my house occasionally swallows me whole. There is no real trigger and no real way to assuage the consternation flooding my body. 

Eventually something jars me back to the real world; usually a call from work, or my mother, or a roommate, or a friend. For the minutes when I am laying in bed fraught with the conclusion that my bed is going to forever belong only to me it seems as though there is nothing that can pull my mind back from its interminable contemplation. But like magic....something always does....thank God....

Sometimes I worry that one day nothing will jar me back. I will become one of the crazy old gay spinsters who doesn't even have a cat because he is too afraid it will eat him when he goes. I will be alone in my house with my books and my education and a career that will have long withered away and I will have no one. 

What, an uplifting post? I really should be going back to work. I decided to work from home today (one of the perks of public health nursing). I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before I could proceed in helping anyone else though.

Let's hope one of these posts doesn't happen again for a while. 

Chau!!

A Ginger, A Black-A-Rican, and a Freak!

So I have a few updates. No one new, just some old recycled folks.

I guess I should start with the oldest in the repertoire. This weekend I invited Hickey to come by so we could fool around again. Our Friends with Benefits thing has worked out far better than the two of us dating ever could have. We both have a mutual respect for each other and we both have pretty high standards for who we actually sleep with which is really comforting in a way. For instance, despite the fact that we have both gone out on dates with several people the only people we have had anal sex with in the last four months have been each other.

The other nice thing about the sex with Hickey is that we have both come to the understanding that sex is it. We aren't looking for it to be anything else. We are both really comfortable asking the other to do things sexually to get each other off. The freakier the sex gets, the better it is, and the more we both just really have a good time when we get together. All of the awkwardness from our first Friends with Benefits encounter is officially gone. We both understand what is happening and we have finally settled into a wonderful rhythm of fucking, sucking, and kinking. (I'm not sure if that is a word, but it is now!)

Every once in a while I get this feeling that Hickey is waiting for me to ask him to be my boyfriend, but he always assures me that is not the case. I'm hoping that is true because I could very easily be setting myself up for a repeat of the Panera incident....let's hope that does not happen...again!

The next person that I have updates on is BRP. As I have said before BRP is perfect for me on paper, but there is definitely something off about the whole thing. For this reason while I was away BRP texted me to say hi, but I did not respond. When I finally got back I let him know I was home and that I still had his hat from his night time visit, but I did not hear from him. It wasn't until the Saturday after Thanksgiving that I heard back from him. It was a very short message simply asking when he could retrieve his hat. It was late and I figured it must have been a drunken response to my text so I let him know I was still interested in seeing him.

I got a second equally as curt response. Not being one for passive aggressive games, I flat out asked if he was upset because his messages were so curt and almost bitter. He then went into a long explanation about that not being the case and we set up a time to see each other the next week. I almost had to cancel on him because of a patient emergency, but fortunately I was able to move things around and still make a late night coffee date work.

We met at 1369 Cafe in Inman Square. It was packed so we ended up just getting coffee and walking around Cambridge a little bit. Ultimately, we ended up stopping at a pizza place so he could get food since he still had not eaten and we both wanted a place to sit and talk.

The conversation was very cordial at first, no mention of the curtness from the texts, but I can never leave well enough alone. I picked the scab and before I knew it I was getting the litany of reasons that he was "pissed" not bitter about my lack of response to him while I was away. We had quite a discussion about his gripes with me.

What was really interesting was hearing all of the things that BRP considered red flags about myself.
Let me begin:
1. I'm young
 2. I've never been in a relationship
  3. I am sexually expressive/adept
   4. I ignored him for 2 weeks
    5. I am ambitious/driven
He qualified all of these statements with: "I mean you have all of these things which individually are red flags but together they don't bother me." How charming right?

I have to be honest; none of his 5 things surprised me. I recognize them as part of the issues I have in committing to any relationship anyways so the fact that someone finally recognizes them as issues in a relationship with me is something that I just have to come to terms with as I continue dating.

Ultimately, I can't do anything about the fact that I am young. I also could do something about never having been in a relationship, but I won't. I refuse to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I don't care if that means I am single for another 20 years. I am waiting for someone I really think is worth it. I could do something about the sexual expressiveness, but I don't want to. I like sex. I enjoy sex. It's fun and I am not going to apologize because I know what I want and I'm good at what I do. I could also do something about the ambition I have related to my career, but I won't. My career and my patients are really important to me and I am not going to change that just to please someone or enter into a relationship. The thing about me ignoring him for 2 weeks...well that I'll own. I definitely could have changed that and I definitely should have.

After he finished eating I offered to drive him home since he had driven me home the last time. I realized that things definitely still weren't right in the car, but I couldn't just send him back into his apartment when we got to his place. I felt like he was looking for an excuse to blow me off or just write me off completely and that annoyed me. I know this is absolutely insane, but I hate the idea that someone would write me off based on those 5 red flags. I felt like I needed to do something to prove he was wrong, even though he wasn't.

I am officially insane! I know and I can't help it. I went in for a kiss literally mid-awkward conversation where it seemed like he didn't want to see me again. I ended up in his apartment and we started making out. He stopped me and insisted that we not hook up. He told me he promised himself he wouldn't do that with me. I was being rejected sexually and I was stunned. I don't like the feeling that someone could just choose not to do something they wanted to. The idea that someone could have that kind of self control around me perturbed me a little bit. So I tried harder. Eventually I won him over and I was blowing him. Then I decided to respect his initial desires and stopped before he came. That was pretty bitchy of me but I couldn't help it. I had to prove the point that my sexual prowess could win him over.

I AM COMPLETELY INSANE!

I then left his apartment and hopped in my car and went home. I ended up seeing him again on Saturday for a cute lunch date in Harvard Square. I was super late (this is becoming a pattern for me unfortunately). We met at Tory Row and sat at the bar.

The restaurant was amazing: a great menu, a great atmosphere, and the bartender had an amazing ass. The fact that I am commenting on the bartender's ass should be a pretty good indicator for how my date went. I can't help but feel bad for how I behaved actually. I was sort of an ass. I was trying to treat him the way I treat a lot of my old friends. I was joking around and sort of making fun of him a little bit, but I'm not sure it really came off the right way. Luckily, this guy likes himself enough, and has a high enough self-esteem, that the whole time I was ribbing him he was pointing out how wrong I was.

When it came time to pay the bill I pulled out my card to pay. He insisted on paying. I said we could split it and he agreed, until the bartender brought over the bill and he literally grabbed my card out of the bartender's hand and gave it back to me. Apparently the bartender thought this guy should pay because he sort of chuckled when I again tried to pay and told me, "Nah let's let him get this one." The whole thing just seemed odd to me. I couldn't tell if the bartender had been listening and felt bad for me or if he somehow thought that this guy should be paying for me for some reason. I decided to let it go and just went to get my jacket.

BRP drove me home and we kissed in the car and I jumped out. He definitely wanted more of kiss, but I couldn't bring myself to sit in front of my house and make out with him like I have in the past. There is still something so off about the whole thing and I can't really put my finger on it.

He texted me again today to hang out, but I was studying so I told him that I would have to pass. He volunteered to come over and help and I told him he would just be a distraction. I got one of those stupid :P faces in response.

The last update I have for everyone is about the IndyGinger. I have still been talking to him almost every day. We talk either via text, facebook messenger, or actual phone call about nothing. Simply talking to him about the paper he needs to write brings a smile to my face. Its so weird. We've talked about the sex stuff we did, but we have yet to truly sext. It's oddly enough just to chat during the week.

One of the most recent calls I got from him lasted for well over 30 minutes. It wasn't the same happy guy that called me though. I finally figured out the problem with the IndyGinger. He is totally insecure. I don't know if its something to do with his family when he was growing up, the city he lives in, or some horrible ex-boyfriend he had but the IndyGinger has no self esteem. He is super concerned that his dick isn't big enough, his body isn't jacked enough, his hair isn't the right way, and that his physical appearance isn't good enough for anyone. It kills me. If he lived here I would date him in a heart beat. I would be really happy to see him as frequently as I could.

He is so eclectic and different that I can't imagine that he could feel so uncomfortable about his body. His muscles are something I could only dream of having and his dick isn't small (its definitely not huge but its nothing to laugh at either). I also learned that the IndyGinger has a history of suicidality. Typical right? Someone who I actually like, someone who I actually feel the need to continue to speak with despite being miles away from each other, thinks that they need to hurt themselves. I don't really know what to do. I am going to keep talking to him, because I can't help myself. I am also going to send him my copy of El Alquimista. 

He is really into speaking/learning Spanish. He's not great, but he seems to really like it. I think that coupled with his lack of self-esteem just make it seem like he needs to read the book. Its a great story about accepting yourself for the gift you are and realizing what you already have and its something he needs to figure out. I feel like I want to save him. Again, its crazy, I know it, but I just can't help it.

So here I sit...blogging and watching reruns of the X Factor. I don't know what I'm doing. The more I try and be open and make things work the more confused I seem to get. For now I am just going to avoid analyzing anything. I am just going to accept things as they come. I am going to continue to do things that make me happy.

Well I guess that's it for now. Per usual if anyone has any advice feel free to send me a message or put a comment below.

Until Later,

Chau!!

WTF Indy??

My trip to Indianapolis was a total success on a lot of different levels. First I was there for an amazing nursing conference. I learned a lot. I got to schmooze with a lot of really big names in nursing. I was inspired to continue my education ASAP. I didn't feel alone in the world of nursing academia for once. 

The other success of my trip to Indy was a guy that I met. We met the first night that I was there and saw each other basically everyday I was in the city...

Let's start with some basic facts. I met the guy and we ended up together in my hotel room pretty shortly after I met him. He was cute, 27, a ginger, has long pony-tail length hair, nice body, pale as a ghost, and beautiful grey eyes. Think cast member from the revival of Hair...We ended up kissing pretty soon after meeting and I noticed the pentagram necklace around his neck. So I of course just had to ask. Mid tongue exploration of my mouth he told me that he was a witch. 

Yes....a real witch. I asked him what he meant and he proceeded to tell me how he was a practitioner of Wiccan. I'm not one to judge so we continued making out. I was originally going to base his nickname off of this fact, but he asked that I not use his religion in making up his nickname so he is going to just be the IndyGinger.

***********************NSFW************************

Making out quickly turned to more... Before I really knew what was going on the IndyGinger had dropped to his knees and was undoing my pants asking me to throat fuck him. Now before this post goes any further I have to sort of put together a disclaimer. I am all about having good, safe, fun sexually. So if someone wants me to fuck their throat who am I to judge or not accommodate. 

So we started fooling around and things got really dirty in a good way really fast. Eventually I figured that he could use a break and we started talking some more. The conversation was again so natural and so easy I couldn't believe it. I learned about a column he writes for a paper about horoscopes. He has two jobs on top of that. He is the oldest of seven....originally from Kentucky. Yes he has an accent...and is a self-proclaimed hillbilly...What was great is that after the talking he was just as into going back to the rough oral sex as I was. 

The other amazing thing about hooking up with the IndyGinger is that he liked having fun while we fooled around. So he made a game of trying to guess my last name, my birth date, my astrological sign but involving the oral sex. It was honestly so much fun and hot all at the same time. We continued on in this way for a while until he finally wanted me to cum. I explained that I couldn't cum first and he made a quizzical face but just proceeded on. He grabbed my ass and shoved my dick as far down his throat as he could and he came within a minute barely touching his own cock. He then continued sucking me off until I came myself minutes later. 
************************SFW*************************

We showered and he suggested that we do food or something. I agree for a lot of reasons, but mostly because the conversation had been good and the oral was awesome too. We headed to the grocery store to buy snacks, but ultimately decided that going to a diner for breakfast food would be the better option at this point. We walked into a diner called Peppy's which actually a fairly famous Indy landmark for locals. 

Basically think Merlotte's from True Blood, but with less thick southern accents, and only white people. What was surreal is that I was sitting their with an out gay witch. It really was like an episode of True Blood in some ways. The cooks/waitstaff were phenomenal and joked around with both the IndyGinger and me. Then as we were about to head out it started pouring rain. As were walking back to the car he stopped me and kissed me in the rain. There was just something so very right about the whole thing. 

The next day he texted me about going out to dinner. I agreed because after the convention was over there wasn't much for me to do anyway. Plus...he was cute, nice, different, and into me. Probably an hour before we were supposed to meet he asked if I would mind going to his place for dinner. I didn't have any objections so I figured it would be okay...I did make sure my friends from home knew though so I would be getting and giving text message updates...I was actually really excited to have met a nice guy for a change. 

He picked me up and we went to his house...which he rents alone with the money from his three jobs...oh and did I mention he is in college too...he wants to go to med school to become a D.O. Immediately he started making dinner and I got to look around the house. 

First let me say the house smelled AMAZING!! I'm not sure what it would feel like for a nose to have an orgasm, but if its possible mine may have had one, from the smell of the oils, the candles, and the food that was being cooked my nose was on total overdrive. 

Secondly, the house definitely had a Wiccan vibe. I mean besides the altar room where he practiced, there was definitely signs of his religion throughout the house. From the paintings, to the sculptures, to the plants, to the furniture, everything was unique and had a flair of Charmed about it. 

Finally in the kitchen it was very much like I had stepped into a hippy's place in Cambridge. Home grown and dried herbs, organic food, distilled water, everything looked as though it was right out of a home owned by a college professor and his wife. Dinner was chicken in a tumeric and garlic sauce, cous cous, and baked diced potatoes...DELICIOUS! He could cook and I was thrilled. 

Conversation throughout dinner flowed just as easily as it had the day before our dinner date. Nothing seemed forced or contrived. It was just easy. I enjoyed hearing about his life and he was interested in mine. 

After dinner we snuggled up on the couch and watched a crappy James Franco like we had been a couple for years. I laid on him and then when I got sick of that he just snuggled up into the crook of my arm. The movie ended and he offered to let me stay at his place. I thought about it and decided that it would be okay. So I went up to his room and we hopped into bed and simply fell asleep. Nothing sexual at all....just spooning.

We woke up a little late the next morning and he was actually late to work...but he insisted on driving me to the door of the hotel to make sure I made it there safely....which made him later to work. Despite his efforts to see me that night I insisted that he stay home and do his homework and sleep. He had to work after all and still had things to do for school...but we ended up texting back and forth all night. 

The next day the effort to see me doubled and I relented. Though I blamed his own school work on my reasoning for not seeing him the day before a lot of the reason I didn't want to see him was because I was really beginning to like him and I knew I was leaving the coming Wednesday. My own desire to see the IndyGinger overcame my fear that I might actually miss him when I left. 

************************NSFW***********************

He came over and we were talking and then making out and then fooling around and then he said he wanted me to fuck him. I had condoms...always prepared...just like a girl scout....my Mama taught me right....so I agreed. Unfortunately, he definitely was not use to bottoming. We waited and waited for him to adjust but it just didn't seem to be happening...so I said, "Listen if its not happening that's okay. We don't have to have sex." He looked totally dejected so I offered to bottom, but that just made him look more upset. I then insisted that we stop trying to have anal sex because the oral sex we had been having was so good. He agreed and we kept fooling around. 

We again played a game this time involving him learning Spanish. It was fun and sexy and it just worked. Everything about us hooking up just worked. When we both finally came we showered and again started having some pillow talk.
*************************SFW************************

It was at this point that I brought up the fact that I was leaving. Neither one of us really wanted to talk about it. Neither one of us had a very good understanding of what was going to happen after I left. In discussing my trip home we both revealed that we had talked about each other with our friends from home. His friends, a girl and a former pornstar, couldn't believe that I was real. My friends felt the same way about him. 

We also had the discussion about what would happen if I wasn't leaving the next day. We were both totally agreed that we would be dating. I'm sure that if he lived in Cambridge instead of Indianapolis I would make an effort to continue to see him and date him. Should that change though because of the distance? Neither one of us was sure. He finally left with a passionate kiss and a peck good bye. The minute he had walked out the door I could tell I was going to miss him. 

Isn't that completely insane? I knew someone for four days and on my trip home I knew I was going to miss them. I swear I am losing my mind. I have been home for four days now and have spoken with him every day.

Yesterday I got this text:      "So....I really miss you...a lot...lol. No joke" 

I didn't even know how to respond. I miss him too. I let him know that I was willing to continue talking but I wasn't sure exactly how this would work. He agreed that for now texting and phone calls were probably the best idea since he doesn't have skype. 

He called me today and we talked on the phone for at least 20 minutes. We didn't talk about anything particularly important: how our weeks had gone, how my trip home went, and other things we had talked to our friends about. The subject of how/if we should keep talking came up again and we both agreed for the second time that texting and a regular phone call would suffice for now. 

I'm really unsure of how to proceed at this point. I've NEVER been in this predicament before in my life. I should not like this guy based on what he looks like on paper. He is from Indy, he is weird, he is from Indianapolis, and he is a hillbilly at heart, not to mention his religion. I can't help the fact that I still like talking to him. I smile every time I get a text message from him. The craziest thing is I have only known him for a little over a week and I feel this way. 

I guess for now I am going to tread carefully. I don't know what the right decisions in this situation are and I don't think anyone really does. So I am going to keep and open mind, take one day at a time, and just see what happens. Who knows? Maybe the IndyGinger is the reason I was supposed to go to Indianapolis in the first place. 

Until Next Time....
Chau!!

So Much....So Much....

I want to start this post by saying I have SO MUCH to report about. There are so many things going on and I have been completely remiss in trying to make sure that I have been keeping this blog updated. So let me begin with the date I had after Dramatic Churchboy.

The guy that I was really excited to go on a date with let's call him the BlackaRican Politico or BRP. Let me start with a physical description. He is shorter than me probably 5'9" or so, dark skinned, goatee, and big and beefy. He is a Crossfit guy. He also has a pretty fancy job working for a big deal politician in the State of MA. He is older than me (32). He is out and he lives in Boston. He is PERFECT on paper!

Our first date was at Diesel Cafe the day after my date with Dramatic Churchboy. We met at Diesel later that night. I got coffee and he got a drink and a sandwich and we just began talking. We definitely hit it off. We talked about everything! His job, my job, his family, my family, future plans, tv, books, politics...the conversation flowed like BUTTAH! Plus he looked exactly like what I had expected (minus a pair of really pointy shoes).

Before I knew it the staff at Diesel were flashing the lights a sure sign that they want you to get the hell out. We had arrived at around 8 and it was now past 11....we had been talking for 3 hours and I didn't even notice.

Once we were outside I suggested that we maybe go for a little walk around Davis Square. He agreed and before I knew it we were strolling along and continuing our conversation. It was a pretty chilly night and in typical fashion I had not brought a proper coat, so I was a little cold. When I indicated that I should probably get going because of the temperature BRP began asking about our next meeting. I told him that I unfortunately would not be able to go out anytime in the near future because I had to leave town for a conference in Indianapolis. He seemed okay with that but still began asking what I thought an appropriate second date might look like.

I insisted that just about anything would be good and he seemed a little frustrated with me which I took to be a good sign. A sign that he wanted to impress me...which I can definitely appreciate.

When he realized that I was about to walk home he ended up offering me a ride up the street to my apartment. I jumped at the opportunity. I figured if he drove me home I would be able to at least get a kiss in and see just how compatible we were. Arriving in front of my house I turned to him and we began kissing. After 5 minutes we were in full on make-out mode and I didn't really care. It wasn't until a car behind us put on its high beams that I realized we were blocking my neighbors entrance to their driveway.

I wasn't ready to stop the kissing so I advised a quick drive up the street. We ended up in a little parking lot that overlooks one of the local university fields. It was here where the make-out session got pretty hot and heavy. I attempted to control myself, but sometimes I just get these urges, especially when I haven't been on a date with a normal attractive guy in a while. So there I was in a parked car outside of a football field with the windows fogged up rounding third.

His dick was a good size. Not necessarily super long, but girthy, just like him. He had a nice set of balls, but the best part of this guy was definitely his muscles. His arms, thighs, and chest are just HUGE! Definitely one of those guys who "Picks Things Up and Puts Things Down."

A couple hours later, when I couldn't feel my toes, I realized that it was a couple hours later. I had been fooling around with BRP in his car for some time and he still hadn't finished. I figured it was about time to call it a draw. I felt bad that I wasn't able to finish the job, but BRP insisted that it wasn't anything I was doing, it was the temperature of the car. I guess that made sense, but I couldn't help feeling a little bit bad about the whole thing.

He then started the car and began the drive back to the front of my apartment. With a final passionate kiss goodnight I headed to my bedroom elated that I had finally found someone who could maybe make my dream of being a politician's do-gooder gay husband a reality.

The date was great, the conversation was super friendly, and the connection physically was definitely real. I couldn't wait to get back from Indianapolis to see him again.

I got a text message a few days later, two prior to my trip, asking if maybe I could entertain a night time cuddler. I hesitated because I didn't want to let on how much I like BRP so far. I figured if I made him wait until I got back from my trip I would have a better handle on my feelings and would be able to sort them out, but I had a glass of wine or two in me and really just wanted to see him again.

BRP came over and all of my roommates headed to bed before he even made it in the house. I proceeded to give a tour of the apartment, saving my room for last. When we entered my room we immediately began making out. I think he popped a chubby the minute his lips touched mine. He was wearing gym shorts(clearly no underwear), a tight under armor shirt, and a baseball hat. He looked good and I was excited to be warmer this time to see what I could do.

After only a few minutes we were back to the same situation we had been in when we were in his car. Both of us were excited and having a good time. Half an hour later we stopped going at it and began actually talking. Neither one of us had cum yet but it was nice just to be able to have a conversation. Fifteen minutes later I realized two things: 1) His father died the week before our date and 2) His dick was now completely soft.

To me this makes perfect sense. If talking about the death of your father gave you an erection I would say you are probably a good candidate for a Criminal Minds episode....which would definitely disqualify you from being one of my potential dating candidates.

The problem was not that his dick got hard but that I couldn't get it hard again if my life depended on it. I tried every trick I knew. Every swirl, whirl, and twirl my tongue would allow but it remained a piece of Play-Do in my mouth.

Three or four failed attempts to rectify the situation led to him offering to just finish me off. I informed him that would be impossible and once I explained why he understood and decided that it was probably time for him to go since it was 3:30a and he had to be at work for 7a.

As he was getting himself dressed and the idea of getting hard and cumming was finally out of his mind, I dropped to my knees and in 3 minutes got the guy to cum. I don't know what it was, but it was definitely something psychological that was the problem. Clearly the equipment worked it was just whether or not it worked with me.

BRP assured me that I was not the problem and that he didn't think the stress was a problem at all. Then he turned his sights and goals toward getting me off. Within 20 minutes I finally was able to just cum, but I was left with an odd feeling. Deep down something seemed to be wrong. I'm still not really sure what it is but something just seemed off about the chemistry. I guess I will just have to go out with him again after my trip to Indianapolis and really figure out what the problem is exactly or if I am maybe just imagining it.

For the record this is one of two guys I still have to tell you about but its getting late and a lot of things need to happen tomorrow so....

Until Next Time!
Chau!!

Switching Things Up and Still Striking Out...

After having 50 posts on this blog and not being any closer to finding my one true love I decided I would not give up, but try even harder. 

I went out this weekend with one of my friends from home and was determined to go to a bar and at least get a guy's number. We started at the one gay bar in my home town and that was a total bust. I was the youngest person their next to my female friend and it was more a dyke bar than anything else. 

We headed to the straight bar next because normally getting a guy's number is not really a problem its me doing the follow up work that is the problem and texting them appropriately and planning a good/sober second time to meet. Unfortunately, old habits die hard and I focused on the one guy who, to me was clearly gay. Before I said anything to him though I played the game and made an inquiry to one of the several girls who had accompanied him in as to the state of his sexuality. The quizzical look I got followed by the slightly inebriated fag hag chortle said it all. Clearly he was still in the closet and clearly she knew exactly what I did. 

Once again the mixed feelings of disappointment, derision, and confusion all washed over me. I turned back to my friend and was ready to head to the other side of the bar to wallow in my melange of feelings when the girl touched my arm. I turned around and unabashedly chuckled at my "error" and she said, "Wait, what's your number?" I must have looked confused because she immediately said, "Well when he comes out I'll give it to him." In my inebriated state I willingly passed along my digits, but honestly I am a little horrified that is what my life has come to, giving my number to a fag hag of a guy that isn't out yet for when he finally grows a set and can tell himself he likes boys. I am not knocking anyone for not being out or for not being ready to be out, but what is wrong with me that I, an openly out gay man, can't pick one other out-person to try and talk to at a bar of straight people. What are you going to do I guess?

Today I went on a date with a guy who, from his online profile (yes I am still using this because I know several people who have gotten engaged this way), I knew was probably not going to be a perfect fit. Let's call him Dramatic Church Boy or DCB. DCB is a 21 year old theater and religion major at BU. As a Husky alum that is already strike one but I was willing to overlook that as he told me he was completely out and proud. 

It seemed strange to me that a out and proud gay man from San Francisco would have such a bond with religion. I don't think it is impossible to be gay and religious, but I do think that a lot of gay men are not particularly into the whole church thing. We ultimately agreed to meet at Boston Common Coffee and grab a coffee between his 1 o'clock class and his 5 o'clock meeting. 

I always think setting up a first date on a time table like this is a good thing. That way if the date is going particularly terribly you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Likewise if a date is going really well, you prevent yourself from going to far on a first date. Who could be a slut in 4 hours right?

Upon meeting DCB I was a little put off as he was not exactly what his pictures promised. He is white, a little shorter than me, a little heavier than me, and had a haircut that made him look like Lena Dunham circa that picture in the link. He was a little disappointing to say the least, but I hate to judge a book by its cover so we kept on walking toward the coffee place.

On the way to the coffee place a few things became apparent. One: This guy actually talks louder than I do. Two: Buckle in you're about to learn a lot about DCB and Three: Oh Dear God....his pants are cuffed around the ankles at different and inappropriate heights on each leg. I quickly dismissed one as being a normally loud talker myself I couldn't possibly hold that against someone. Two I figured wouldn't be that bad. I mean someone who is a theater and religions major can't be boring. But three....I know this is incredibly shallow....I also know I am going to go to hell for thinking this given my own feelings about personal appearance but, what the hell is wrong with you that you didn't see and fix that when you looked in the mirror.

The date dragged on and he continued to talk. He occasionally asked me things about myself, but mostly only when he thought they would relate back to him or a story he could tell. He asked about my job and then asked if I had ever told anyone they were HIV + and then he told me there was a play in that somewhere. Eventually, I got to ask my obligatory first date question, So tell me something interesting about yourself? He told me without thinking his majors, which I refused to take as an answer. And after some cajoling he stated, "I really love public transportation. Like every time I feel the train go by underneath us I get a little excited."

You can't knock a kid for trying right? I mean, that fact is probably the most interesting dull fact I have ever heard. It makes you seem at least a little weird and prompts me to think about why one may feel that way about public transportation. 

We started walking around Boston Common. He realized that I had done a co-op in Latin America and quickly began speaking to me in the most horrible English accented Spanish I have heard. I responded back as I thought that might be polite. After carrying on the conversation for 10 minutes though and listening to him butcher the beautiful vowels and the sexy r's I just had to revert back to English where his tongue was much better suited. 

At some point after 2 hours I threw out the line, "Don't you have to be going soon", quickly followed by "I am going to be meeting someone at Northeastern." I figured this was a big old hit. This was the cartoon grand piano falling through the roof and landing on one of the main animated characters, but no....I was wrong. He clearly was not picking up on the hint and volunteered to not only walk me back to Copley but to accompany me to Northeastern if I wanted. I assured him I would be good from Copley and he decided it would be better for him to take Comm Ave anyways. 

When the date was finally over there was the awkward moment when we were parting ways. We both looked at each other unsure of what the appropriate gestures were. I took the lead and leaned in for a hug. I mean I greeted him with a hug and its not like he said he killed babies or anything. The words that came out next were almost disheartening. I could tell he was waiting for me to say, "I'll call you." Or "Text me sometime to do this again." but I didn't want to lead him on at all. I could see the writing on the wall from the first five minutes into the date and I don't see any reason why I should have continued the charade passed one date.

Maybe that is what will be different in my next 50 posts. I'm giving up on the bullshit. If things aren't working I am just moving on until I find something that does work, or something that is worth me giving up my time to fix.

I actually have another date planned for tomorrow night, but I would rather not jinx it...so you will just have to wait to see what happens. I have hopes for this one though so cross whatever digits you can.

I guess until next time...
Chau!!

50 Posts and Still As Single As Ever!

Here we are at post 50 of this blog experiment and I am still as single as the day that I first started it. I have still never had anyone that I would consider a boyfriend. Still not a single soul that I would even introduce to my brother never mind my mother or father. I'm not sure if I am more disappointed in myself for not being able to sustain any semblance of an adult romantic relationship or if I am more disappointed in the absolute lack of any type of normal man that I would want to be in a romantic relationship with at this point in my life.

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day October 11th. I went out with one of my really good friends to dinner in the South End and then to a bar called Jose McIntyre's in downtown Boston. Dinner in the South End is always fun because the restaurants tend to be fairly well priced with excellent food and drinks and of course a friendly gay atmosphere. This night was no different as we went to Masa and had a grand old time. Then we headed out to Jose McIntyre's for a BC Law get together. I was assured that there would be a ton of eligible future lawyers and I figured What The Hell....

When we got to Jose's we didn't pay a cover at all and headed right up stairs where the DJ was already playing a great set and we both got drinks and just started schmoozing. As I was being introduced to friend group after friend group a few things became very apparent. One was that my friend really is super nice and it is impossible not to like her, which meant I had a lot of people to meet. Two was that I was probably the most ethnic person there and I am only half Portuguese. That's sort of a joke but not really, I think maybe there was one black couple there and a few latinos but that was pretty much it. Three was that as each group of friends met me and I was introduced they would ask what I do and when I would say I was an STD nurse. Then they would ask if I was my friend's boyfriend and there was always this awkward pause. You could see it in their face that they were searching for some sort of confirmation that I was gay or straight, because clearly I was not my female friend's State Street working beau.

I may have completely fabricated this in my head, but honestly that is what it felt like and I couldn't quite figure out why. I never like to leave it up in the air though so I would always make a comment or drop something in casual conversation to make sure that they knew I was open about my sexuality. It puzzled me for about 10-15 minutes because from what I could tell there were a lot of available guys on my team throughout the bar. I mean everywhere I turned my gaydar was pinging for one homo or another. Then it dawned on me when one of the girls asked me if I thought she could make out with a boy who was dancing in a circle and moving his hips like Shakira. "Ummm...yea I'm sure you could make out with him the gays love making out with straight girls." The look of horror in the girl's face said it all. The boy who she was so plainly talking about and who was so obviously gay to me was not out. 

At this point I turned to my friend who had been joined by her boyfriend and asked point blank, "What the fuck? Are all of these guys in the closet? Do they have a weekly tea with the White Witch and Mr. Tumnus?" She looked at me and chuckled. I spent the rest of the night Dancing On My Own. And I was actually perfectly happy about it. Once all of my friend's Northeastern friends started to show up I really began just relaxing and having a good time. The drinks were good and cheap, the music was fun, and there was no reason not to have a good time. 

Then the most gorgeous man I have seen in weeks walked onto the dance floor. He was about 6'4" tall, long brown hair (model long, not homeless long), pretty face, amazing body, white (?), and just seemed to be having a genuinely good time with a bunch of his friends. I gawked like any normal gay man, but ultimately went back to dancing with my friends because he was probably straight or in the closet and it just wasn't going to be worth my time. As the hour went by he kept getting closer and closer to me until we were literally back to back. I was a little taken aback by his dancing ability if I am being completely honest for a 6'4" white guy he at least had rhythm. Then he leaned down and just started talking to me. I was shocked. It wasn't about anything in particular, but still I thought it was weird. Then he went to the bathroom and came back and once again muttered something stupid to me about being underneath the air conditioner vent before going back to our dancing back to back position. 

At this point my friend's boyfriend leaned in and asked me if the guy was hitting on me. I am not going to lie. I hoped so. He was gorgeous. I thought maybe this is it. The one truly gorgeous man in the bar on National Coming Out Day..wouldn't that be a fucking story....

So my female friend went right up to him and basically just asked, "What's your deal my gay friend likes you?" The response was typical, Sorry if I gave him the wrong impression but I'm straight. I wish I could say I was crushed, but I wasn't. I expected it. I think that may actually be worse, I was not even surprised that the gorgeous attractive man was in no way interested in me. 

The night wore on and eventually it was 12:40 and it was time for me to head home before public transportation completely shut down. I got to the orange line and decided that I would just shut my eyes and wait for the train to show up. Naturally I spent at least 30 minutes waiting for the last orange line train. And when I finally opened my eyes it was because I thought I felt someone touch my leg. And there the creeper, some older black guy, was literally sitting and rubbing my thigh. I can't make this shit up! I moved immediately and threw his hand back at him. "Dude what the fuck keep your hands to yourself." I got on a train car and then the guy got on the same one. He literally followed me. Thank God when I got back to Sullivan I was able to get on a bus away from him and head home in peace. 

I came to two conclusions last night. 

One: I may not have someone in my life that I would want to have a romantic relationship with, but really that's okay. I do not want to settle for someone that is not right. I refuse to just be in a relationship to be in a relationship even if it means that I am going to the bar alone and dancing in a group full of couples for the next 10 years. Well....maybe not 10 years I don't want to be that creepy dude at the bar dancing far beyond his expiration date. 

Two: Even if nothing else....at least I'm Out. I never realized how important that really is to me. I've never really thought about the whole being open about your sexuality thing. I've been out for so long and I really am so comfortable talking about it with anyone that I forget that for a lot of people it is not just that simple. The concept of being in the closet and faking a relationship with a girl or faking not finding the right one when they may be sitting in front of you but the same sex so you never let yourself like them is just crazy to me. So even if I end up alone at least I won't be worried its because I never gave it a shot it will be because my perfect other half doesn't exist. 

The only thing that gives me the slightest bit of hope is a sentence that came from the most unsuspecting place last week. My boss is an older female nursing professor who has devoted her life to working with vulnerable populations and teaching students how to take care of them. She is married and has two adopted children and, in a nutshell, she is everything I want to be when I grow up. To get to my point though, while we were working at a clinic in PTown we were discussing future life plans because my nursing counterpart is pregnant and my boss looked at me and said, "Welll you're going to have kids one day so you'll see. I mean you are planning on having kids right? I mean I just always picture you with kids." I was totally taken aback because it just seemed like it came out of no where but it was nice. The nurse whose gut instinct I most trust thinks in her heart of hearts that I am going to end up married with kids. Its not a lot, but its enough hope to get me to keep this blog going until I finally find someone.

Until Next Time....
Chau!!!

Two Cups of Crazy and a Side of CuckooCachoo

Geri is no more.....Is anyone surprised??? 

Well here is the story for all of you so you can feel better about your own lives. After our first date Geri called me and was interested in seeing me again. The first date went so well I jumped at the opportunity. He wanted to me to come by on Sunday evening after his work shift for ice cream and a movie. At first I wasn't huge on the idea because I thought it seemed like I was going to become a booty call, but I eventually gave in and agreed. Then that night I got a call from Geri and he wanted to reschedule for Monday during the day because he didn't want me to get the wrong impression. He realized that a second date of me coming to his place at 11pm might give the wrong impression. I was ecstatic! I quickly agreed to the Monday date, because for once I had Monday off, and we threw around some ideas and settled on apple picking.

Monday came and I got a call bright and early but I couldn't really understand him over the phone, but we settled on a time so I started doing some stuff for my patients and then I was going to head over. On my way to his place I called once again to let him know I was on my way and again I kept misunderstanding him over the phone. When I got to his place it did not look exactly how I remembered. It was not a really pretty old Victorian home in Dorchester, but rather an older Victorian in need of refurbishment on the brink of the hood. But who am I to judge a book by its cover? 

So I called him again and he told me he was going to meet me at the front door...and he hoped I didn't mind he was in his underwear. To be honest....I was definitely intrigued and then I saw the underwear he was wearing. A pair of old tighty whities with holes in them and a black wife beater with an almost equal number of holes. I want you all to have a good picture of this in your head....they weren't sexy you can see some of my ass or dick kind of holes...they were I live in a trailer and can't afford new underwear kind of holes. Again though I thought...no its fine I am going to let this go maybe it will be fine. I even ignored the fact that he was on the phone with someone else and didn't say hi so much as he nodded approval and started walking up the stairs. 

When we finally got in his apartment he led me to the kitchen where he finally got off the phone and went in for a kiss. I sort of begrudgingly gave him one and I noticed some red stuff on his lips that I couldn't quite make out. Then as he continued talking I realized that he was slurring a little bit. Almost immediately after that he began making scrambled eggs and rice and I realized that he was stumbling a little bit and that his breath when I kissed him smelled of something familiar....Geri was drunk and it was only 11a on a Monday. 

I tried to figure out if he was drunk and began asking some questions that sort of beat around the bush and before long Geri simply revealed..."I'm drunk from last night. I went out with a bunch of co-workers and then came home and got high with my roommates."

I was completely taken aback. It hit me as soon as he said it that the previous night was not about being respectful with me but more likely that he got a better offer with his co-workers. But again who am I to judge we had only been on one date and I suppose it was possible he had woken up drunk. 

Then he offered me a Bloody Mary which I refused because it was too early. We finished breakfast and we began kissing again and ended up in his bedroom. I was hoping that he would sober up and then we would be able to go apple picking like we planned. Then mid-hooking up he left and went to the kitchen presumably to get a glass of water and came back with a half consumed Bloody Mary. I couldn't believe it. I was really turned off. 

We started hooking up again despite my own issues and then I noticed a mole on his dick and I may have said something about the potential for HPV. He became indignant and made me inspect his penis in the light to see that it was in fact a mole. Then he became aggravated that I could not shut off my nurse hat for 3 minutes and stood up from bed. I thought the situation had gotten significantly awkward so I moved to put on some clothes and suavely make my exit. And I was informed rather gruffly that I should stay and he was going to have a cigarette and would be back. I then made a move to at least put my underwear on because I thought the hooking up portion of the day was over and was again rather curtly told..."Don't do that, we're adults we can disagree and I can have a cigarette and then we can get back to that."

I wasn't really sure what to do. I mean I didn't hate making out with him or fooling around but I definitely was getting less attracted to him as the time went on. So I stayed and we continued to hook up. He attempted to get me to cum....and I assured him that it wasn't going to happen, but he persevered and eventually after he came and left me to my own devices I was able to get off. He then threw me a towel and I cleaned off. Then he said that he needed to shower, because he hadn't yet that day, and that after that we should go apple picking. 

My reservations were compounding as the minutes passed and I knew apple picking was going to take longer than I wanted. Meanwhile he was planning dinner and breakfast the next morning. I needed an alternative to apple picking and a way out. Both came to me rather quickly, fortunately I have been in these need to get away situations before and have some tried and true Get Out of Date Free Cards to play. Based on the lovely weather and the fact that we were in Dorchester I suggested that we go for a walk to Castle Island. Then I also threw out that my roommate was potentially breaking up with her boyfriend and I might need to go home to help her cope with the break up. That was when the wonderfully old man-isms started flying, "Should I call the WHAAAAMBULANCE for her?" 

He did eventually agree that the beach might be a good idea but he expressed his disappointment with not being able to "chuck" apples at me. I chuckled despite the fact that I was less than unamused. It was requested that I go and sit on the porch while he showered so I didn't have to observe his getting ready ritual. I happily headed out to the porch where I was able to see one of Geri's cute neighbors washing his car. Then after about 25 minutes he came back onto the porch more intoxicated than he had been prior to his shower. 

We headed out to the beach and I was shocked at how intoxicated he actually was. He was staggering walking next to me and to be honest I was surprised he could find his way to the beach. We stopped to grab coffee on the way to the beach because I thought that maybe some other liquid in his system would help, but I was completely embarrassed by the fact that he couldn't even stand in one spot without leaning on the counter.

When we finally arrived at the beach he had suggested I realized that it was the old Stab N' Kill where Whitey use to dump his bodies. Sitting along the beach a man walking a dog came by and knew Geri. They had what must have been a 5-10 minute conversation that was very flirty but never once was I introduced. The guy's dog actually paid more attention to me more than either Geri or the mystery man.

He finally left and Geri explained that the mystery man was his ex-boyfriend who broke his heart. He also told me that he had spent the night with him the day before our date. That was pretty much the final straw. I needed to get out of there so I faked a text message from my friend saying that she was on her way home and needed me and a bottle of wine. Then he told me on our walk home that my friend sounded like she was "Two Cups of Crazy and a Side of CuckooCachoo" and I couldn't help but think, Someone in this situation is but I'm not sure its my friend. 

On the walk home we passed a home for the mentally disabled and he drunkenly slurred out, "Yea that's the retard house. I had a friend with Down Syndrome in high school, we use to give him so much shit." I was now completely horrified and I began walking with a purpose. When we got back to his car he said something to the effect of, "Well I will just have to get other dinner plans for tonight, maybe I will even fuck them." Then he went in for a final kiss. I tried to make it a peck and then his tongue invaded my mouth and I had no other choice. I got in my car without a single look back, put on Quittin' Time and sped home. 

All of my roommates were there and we ordered four pizzas and put away a few beers and a bottle of wine while watching Moulin Rouge. Is there really more you could ask of roommates. SO for now I guess its back to the drawing board. I will carefully avoid calls and make sure he knows its over but I will not be going on another date.

For now I guess that is all I have to report. If anyone has any suggestions on places to find normal men I am an open book feel free to let me know. 

Chau!!