Every Once in a While

There are some days where all of a sudden I am overcome by the fear that I am going to be alone forever. It is a paralyzing/crippling/take-your-breath-away type of fear that first thing in the morning when I wake up and realize that I am all alone in my house occasionally swallows me whole. There is no real trigger and no real way to assuage the consternation flooding my body. 

Eventually something jars me back to the real world; usually a call from work, or my mother, or a roommate, or a friend. For the minutes when I am laying in bed fraught with the conclusion that my bed is going to forever belong only to me it seems as though there is nothing that can pull my mind back from its interminable contemplation. But like magic....something always does....thank God....

Sometimes I worry that one day nothing will jar me back. I will become one of the crazy old gay spinsters who doesn't even have a cat because he is too afraid it will eat him when he goes. I will be alone in my house with my books and my education and a career that will have long withered away and I will have no one. 

What, an uplifting post? I really should be going back to work. I decided to work from home today (one of the perks of public health nursing). I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before I could proceed in helping anyone else though.

Let's hope one of these posts doesn't happen again for a while. 

Chau!!

Out in the Cold

Have you ever just gone out and sat out in the freezing cold just to numb your entire body? Just waited until every extremity was cold....frozen....so numb that you almost don't realize that it is still your limb?

When you were sitting waiting for the pain to freeze and just go away, have you ever started crying? Have you felt the hot sting of a fresh tear pour down your face? While the rest of your body is numb have you felt like your eyelashes were beginning to sting from the pain of trying to hold in the waterworks? Have you ever cried for so long in the frigid universe that you thought your eyes were beginning to freeze shut?

And when all of that is happening, what did you want? Did you want the pain to just go away? Did you want it to all just stop? Or did you want someone to take it away? Did you want someone to share your pain with?

Well aren't you just a selfish bastard! Who wants to share pain? What the fuck is wrong with you? That pain is yours! You DESERVE it! Figure out someway to live with it.......and if you can't then stay in the cold....numb and frozen until you can figure out someway to compartmentalize.

Eventually that compartmentalization just turns into suppression....it turns into becoming a hidden feeling inside your soul. You become bitter.....angry.......mean......cold......soulless.....abrasive.....obnoxious......hateful......spiteful....heartless....ruthless...cruel....demanding.....and then just as you realize that you are beginning to hate yourself you come to the realization that you are a commitment phobe. The reason why you don't have someone is because you have become a miserable person to be around. Who would love you when you act like such a soulless, selfish, bastard????