50 Posts and Still As Single As Ever!

Here we are at post 50 of this blog experiment and I am still as single as the day that I first started it. I have still never had anyone that I would consider a boyfriend. Still not a single soul that I would even introduce to my brother never mind my mother or father. I'm not sure if I am more disappointed in myself for not being able to sustain any semblance of an adult romantic relationship or if I am more disappointed in the absolute lack of any type of normal man that I would want to be in a romantic relationship with at this point in my life.

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day October 11th. I went out with one of my really good friends to dinner in the South End and then to a bar called Jose McIntyre's in downtown Boston. Dinner in the South End is always fun because the restaurants tend to be fairly well priced with excellent food and drinks and of course a friendly gay atmosphere. This night was no different as we went to Masa and had a grand old time. Then we headed out to Jose McIntyre's for a BC Law get together. I was assured that there would be a ton of eligible future lawyers and I figured What The Hell....

When we got to Jose's we didn't pay a cover at all and headed right up stairs where the DJ was already playing a great set and we both got drinks and just started schmoozing. As I was being introduced to friend group after friend group a few things became very apparent. One was that my friend really is super nice and it is impossible not to like her, which meant I had a lot of people to meet. Two was that I was probably the most ethnic person there and I am only half Portuguese. That's sort of a joke but not really, I think maybe there was one black couple there and a few latinos but that was pretty much it. Three was that as each group of friends met me and I was introduced they would ask what I do and when I would say I was an STD nurse. Then they would ask if I was my friend's boyfriend and there was always this awkward pause. You could see it in their face that they were searching for some sort of confirmation that I was gay or straight, because clearly I was not my female friend's State Street working beau.

I may have completely fabricated this in my head, but honestly that is what it felt like and I couldn't quite figure out why. I never like to leave it up in the air though so I would always make a comment or drop something in casual conversation to make sure that they knew I was open about my sexuality. It puzzled me for about 10-15 minutes because from what I could tell there were a lot of available guys on my team throughout the bar. I mean everywhere I turned my gaydar was pinging for one homo or another. Then it dawned on me when one of the girls asked me if I thought she could make out with a boy who was dancing in a circle and moving his hips like Shakira. "Ummm...yea I'm sure you could make out with him the gays love making out with straight girls." The look of horror in the girl's face said it all. The boy who she was so plainly talking about and who was so obviously gay to me was not out. 

At this point I turned to my friend who had been joined by her boyfriend and asked point blank, "What the fuck? Are all of these guys in the closet? Do they have a weekly tea with the White Witch and Mr. Tumnus?" She looked at me and chuckled. I spent the rest of the night Dancing On My Own. And I was actually perfectly happy about it. Once all of my friend's Northeastern friends started to show up I really began just relaxing and having a good time. The drinks were good and cheap, the music was fun, and there was no reason not to have a good time. 

Then the most gorgeous man I have seen in weeks walked onto the dance floor. He was about 6'4" tall, long brown hair (model long, not homeless long), pretty face, amazing body, white (?), and just seemed to be having a genuinely good time with a bunch of his friends. I gawked like any normal gay man, but ultimately went back to dancing with my friends because he was probably straight or in the closet and it just wasn't going to be worth my time. As the hour went by he kept getting closer and closer to me until we were literally back to back. I was a little taken aback by his dancing ability if I am being completely honest for a 6'4" white guy he at least had rhythm. Then he leaned down and just started talking to me. I was shocked. It wasn't about anything in particular, but still I thought it was weird. Then he went to the bathroom and came back and once again muttered something stupid to me about being underneath the air conditioner vent before going back to our dancing back to back position. 

At this point my friend's boyfriend leaned in and asked me if the guy was hitting on me. I am not going to lie. I hoped so. He was gorgeous. I thought maybe this is it. The one truly gorgeous man in the bar on National Coming Out Day..wouldn't that be a fucking story....

So my female friend went right up to him and basically just asked, "What's your deal my gay friend likes you?" The response was typical, Sorry if I gave him the wrong impression but I'm straight. I wish I could say I was crushed, but I wasn't. I expected it. I think that may actually be worse, I was not even surprised that the gorgeous attractive man was in no way interested in me. 

The night wore on and eventually it was 12:40 and it was time for me to head home before public transportation completely shut down. I got to the orange line and decided that I would just shut my eyes and wait for the train to show up. Naturally I spent at least 30 minutes waiting for the last orange line train. And when I finally opened my eyes it was because I thought I felt someone touch my leg. And there the creeper, some older black guy, was literally sitting and rubbing my thigh. I can't make this shit up! I moved immediately and threw his hand back at him. "Dude what the fuck keep your hands to yourself." I got on a train car and then the guy got on the same one. He literally followed me. Thank God when I got back to Sullivan I was able to get on a bus away from him and head home in peace. 

I came to two conclusions last night. 

One: I may not have someone in my life that I would want to have a romantic relationship with, but really that's okay. I do not want to settle for someone that is not right. I refuse to just be in a relationship to be in a relationship even if it means that I am going to the bar alone and dancing in a group full of couples for the next 10 years. Well....maybe not 10 years I don't want to be that creepy dude at the bar dancing far beyond his expiration date. 

Two: Even if nothing else....at least I'm Out. I never realized how important that really is to me. I've never really thought about the whole being open about your sexuality thing. I've been out for so long and I really am so comfortable talking about it with anyone that I forget that for a lot of people it is not just that simple. The concept of being in the closet and faking a relationship with a girl or faking not finding the right one when they may be sitting in front of you but the same sex so you never let yourself like them is just crazy to me. So even if I end up alone at least I won't be worried its because I never gave it a shot it will be because my perfect other half doesn't exist. 

The only thing that gives me the slightest bit of hope is a sentence that came from the most unsuspecting place last week. My boss is an older female nursing professor who has devoted her life to working with vulnerable populations and teaching students how to take care of them. She is married and has two adopted children and, in a nutshell, she is everything I want to be when I grow up. To get to my point though, while we were working at a clinic in PTown we were discussing future life plans because my nursing counterpart is pregnant and my boss looked at me and said, "Welll you're going to have kids one day so you'll see. I mean you are planning on having kids right? I mean I just always picture you with kids." I was totally taken aback because it just seemed like it came out of no where but it was nice. The nurse whose gut instinct I most trust thinks in her heart of hearts that I am going to end up married with kids. Its not a lot, but its enough hope to get me to keep this blog going until I finally find someone.

Until Next Time....
Chau!!!

A Little Hope...

So I may or may not be drunk right now....but I am going to blog anyways....I know people always say never drink and blog but I really don't want to forget how I feel tomorrow.

Tonight I went to a friend's housewarming party despite having an absolutely horrid day at work. For some reason I felt compelled to go so I got on a bus and headed to her new place. For the first hour or so I felt extremely awkward. There were only a few people I knew and despite my charming attention grabbing personality I really wasn't having that great of a time.

Then all of a sudden this guy from my theater group showed up. He is awesome. He is a genuinely nice person, with a great voice, and he is super cute. He is friends with a lesbian I am actually pretty good friends with. He is adorable. The best part about him is I saw him interact with his family post show and it was adorable. They were the Cleavers if Beaver was a raging homo who did musical theater. Seeing them interact was literally an AWWWWW kind of a moment.

So this guy shows up and he sort of starts hitting on me. At first I wasn't really sure if he was hitting on me or not. He was being sort of shy and stand offish. Honestly I have had a crush on this guy for quite some time but never made a move because I assumed he wasn't even remotely into me. Then tonight everything changed and it was obvious to me that he may have been into me. I still am not sure if it was because he was gay or just because he liked me but I guess time will tell.

Well the party we were at got broken up by the cops. So instead of being under 21 year old assholes and just going home I went with him, his hag, his guy friend, and my sort of friend/acquaintance/fellow nurse to a bar for a couple of follow up drinks. Just as a funny anecdote this friend person is also a sex toy saleswoman.....and she happened to be carrying around a suitcase full of supplies and one of them happened to be going off....this really isn't relevant to the story at all I just thought that it was funny, but I digress. So we all go to the bar and begin drinking.

The cute guy who I still haven't come up with a name for yet's hag finds out that I am drinking a Long Island Iced Tea and immediately begins liking me and pushing me and her friend to get together. I was so excited. I mean, let's cut the shit, if the hag starts pushing a relationship then that means the other person has at least mentioned you before in conversation. I got really excited. Eventually after doing this really awkward flirting thing we ended up kissing in the middle of the bar.

It was Awesome! He was a great kisser! After a few passionate pecks he ended up bringing me to the back of the bar where we sneaked out the back door and began making out in the alley. At one point we both ended up on the ground, but I stopped things from going any further because I feel like I might actually like this guy. And he seemed to be okay with it.

We then went back into the bar where the bartender quickly and quite curtly informed me that I was not allowed to go into the back alley.....OOOPS....MY BAD! Oh well it was hot and I was into it. Fuck the bartender!

I paid my bill and met him and his friends out front of the bar where I was invited to go back to his place and smoke and watch Legally Blonde....however tempting this might have been I rejected because I think I might actually like this guy and I didn't want to fuck him right away. He is so nice, and sweet, and cute, and smart, and adorable, and I am sure that I am going to fuck this up somehow....

Well I texted him when I got home that I would talk to him tomorrow and take him on a proper date and he told me he was looking forward to it.....


Is it possible??? Have I actually found someone that I am attracted to and who is also a good person??? I hope so... Want to know what gives me hope??? My walk home...


As I was walking home from the bar everything seemed normal. Then as I got out in front of my dorm I started singing a song I wrote (I know how cheesy) called rain....

I want the rain to come and fall on my face.
Give me the storm to take away my pain,
To take away my hurting.
I want the water, I want the wind, Give me the storm,
Make me feel again.

 And as I am belting this out at the top of my lungs it started to pour.....the more I sang the harder and more persistent the rain became. It was like a baptism by nature. I am hoping that it was God's way of telling me that this time things will be different. This time I will have been born anew and everything will be innocent and fresh.

I HOPE....

So maybe tonight was the perfect example of A Little Hope....

A Taste of Southern Charm...

I had such HOPE for Rhett....I mean he survived the Civil War you would think that he might be able to entice me.

We went on a second date. Dinner and drinks at a new restaurant and a bar he knew in the South End. It was a good date. Not exceptional, but nothing terrible either. I mean we talked about both his ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend/fiancee, but other than that it was great. Dinner was good and the conversation flowed well. He paid, which of course I appreciated.

At the end of the night though we went by another bar in the South End so he could talk to his female friend who was a bartender and I gave him a goodbye kiss. I initiated...not usually my style, but I felt like this guy was waiting for me to make a move. Even though he is 30 he is still pretty uncomfortable with the gay thing, I think. I mean he has only really been out to his family since he was 27....so like 3 years maybe? So I initiated the good-night kiss. It wasn't bad. It was cute, not foot-pop worthy, but cute first kiss. That night I got texted that he wished he could have kissed me more....which I think is code for I'm drunk and horny, but its still nice to feel like someone wants to kiss you right?

Then Rhett took a trip to NYC and wanted a date when he got back. I obliged and we had a day date this afternoon. We were supposed to watch Will and Grace...I realize that is a really lame cover, but what are you going to do. Before we even got the DVD in the machine we were making out. Then we eventually ended up fooling around. It all seemed a little weird to be honest. I knew we weren't going to have sex but the fooling around was just awkward. This probably has to do with the fact that I took him to be a bottom because of his Justin Beiber hair and I found out, after a little bit of an awkward interaction that he was not a bottom, but indeed only a top.....OOoooOOps....MY BAD!

Eventually we both finished up and then after getting cleaned up there was this period of 10-20 minutes where I felt like a whore. He all of a sudden started walking/pacing around his apartment doing really trivial little things. And then he started writing out a check and I almost had to catch my breath when I asked what it was for worried that somehow he thought I was an actual prostitute. Turns out he was just writing out his rent check but how fucked up am I that my first thought when he grabbed his checkbook was he was paying me for what we had just done?

I digress.....after 20 minutes of weirdness he offered me a drink and we sat and watched two episodes of Will and Grace...and then I went home. I stopped and grabbed pizza and an iced coffee on the way home though. For whatever reason I didn't feel good about this date. I think maybe doing the physical stuff finally just opened my eyes to the gut instinct that I was having on our dates that there was something just a little off.

I think I will probably end up going on one or two more dates with Rhett, but I really don't know. I just feel like there was something about this date that just wasn't quite right and I wouldn't be surprised if I never heard from Rhett again. To be completely honest, I'm not really sure I care if I ever hear from him again....does that make me an awful person?

Well I guess until next time.....

CHAU!