And Here Comes Another

After a very long and trying week at work....all I want is someone...

I made a phone call to someone who I have hooked up with in the past. Do I think this person is perfect for me? No. Do I think this person is a great lay? No. Do I think this person is particularly supportive in tough situations? No.

But I called them because I knew they would come. Not a doubt in my mind...and so now I wait for them to get here....hmmmmm

If only I could hold out for someone that meant something or be okay with just being alone in times like this.

Out in the Cold

Have you ever just gone out and sat out in the freezing cold just to numb your entire body? Just waited until every extremity was cold....frozen....so numb that you almost don't realize that it is still your limb?

When you were sitting waiting for the pain to freeze and just go away, have you ever started crying? Have you felt the hot sting of a fresh tear pour down your face? While the rest of your body is numb have you felt like your eyelashes were beginning to sting from the pain of trying to hold in the waterworks? Have you ever cried for so long in the frigid universe that you thought your eyes were beginning to freeze shut?

And when all of that is happening, what did you want? Did you want the pain to just go away? Did you want it to all just stop? Or did you want someone to take it away? Did you want someone to share your pain with?

Well aren't you just a selfish bastard! Who wants to share pain? What the fuck is wrong with you? That pain is yours! You DESERVE it! Figure out someway to live with it.......and if you can't then stay in the cold....numb and frozen until you can figure out someway to compartmentalize.

Eventually that compartmentalization just turns into suppression....it turns into becoming a hidden feeling inside your soul. You become bitter.....angry.......mean......cold......soulless.....abrasive.....obnoxious......hateful......spiteful....heartless....ruthless...cruel....demanding.....and then just as you realize that you are beginning to hate yourself you come to the realization that you are a commitment phobe. The reason why you don't have someone is because you have become a miserable person to be around. Who would love you when you act like such a soulless, selfish, bastard????

The Morning After

How many times have I been here before?? I probably couldn't count. I'm not talking about the morning after going out and hooking up with some random stranger. Those mornings I tend to just pretend didn't happen. I am talking about the morning after staying in all night alone. I wake up rested and a little sad.

I'm never quite sure why I am sad. Its not because I stayed in, I don't really care about going out and having a good time. Its not because I slept funny and now I have some weird ache or pain that is causing me physical discomfort. It is not because I did not get laid the night before, but it is something close to that.

It has something to do with waking up alone. It has to do with waking up and having to text someone about getting breakfast rather than just rolling over and asking them about it. It has something to do with having that post-pizza-binge-fullness in the morning all alone that somehow leaves you feeling empty. I guess as much as I am very afraid of waking up every morning next to the same person it would be nice to wake up to someone.

I struggle with this a lot. I LOVE the idea of a relationship. I like that I could wake up next to the same person every week who would think that coffee and brunch followed by a nice walk on a Sunday afternoon is a great idea after having spent a Saturday night in, but I haven't been able to trick myself into the actuality of it yet. If I wake up one day next to someone and that scenario occurs it almost guarantees that it will never happen again. What is wrong with me? Why would I rather wake up a little sad then with the same person two weeks in a row?

God that makes me sound like a huge slut. I'm not.....I swear....its just waking up next to the same person and having that same Sunday routine scares me. I don't want to become complacent. I want to always strive for more. For some reason a consistent person to wake up to means complacency to me....Seriously I have a problem.

Maybe I should get a pet? Although that would leave me with a whole host of other issues....like who would watch it when I went out? What would I do if I spent the night at someone else's place? How would I sneak it into my dorm room? And isn't that just pathetic?

I guess that about does it for today......let's see what happens this weekend.