Well...it is officially 2020.....I'm 30..With 5 jobs and in grad school...and still desperately single.....
To be honest I was hoping to be able to update this blog one day with a link to a disgusting Instagram couples account with a picture of me and my future husband on a beach somewhere, but alas I'm beginning to think that is becoming less and less likely as the years trudge on. I oscillate between being okay with this and feeling like if I am still alone at 40 then I might just actually give up on trying to be with someone and just adopt a kid and a dog ad settle down with myself.
It is really funny how this blog has morphed throughout the years from me being worried that I would never be able to commit to now feeling like I might not ever be able to find someone who wants to commit to me. For a long time I have focused on the issues that other people had that made them not realistic for me to date, but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it has just been me all along.
So in a weird act of contrition I think that I am going to make a list of all the reasons that someone might decide I was not a right fit for them.
1. I work WAAAAAAY to much. I have known that this was a problem for a while now that I have just never really wanted to address because work is one of the few things that I have that gives me a purpose. Also selfishly work is one of the few places that I feel like I get a genuine connection with people outside of my family. I'm not really sure what the best way to work on this is....I mean obviously I could just quit one or two or three of my jobs, but I really don't want to do that. Eventually, I will change this one...I swear.....I PROMISE....just not yet, don't make me.
2. I've really stopped caring about my physical appearance in the last year. I really need to find the inside of a gym again because this muffin top is not pretty or tasty.
3. I'm a slob....I mean I'm not dirty, but I am definitely not neat and tidy. I really don't know how so many of these homos are so type A and prim and proper. I'm a mess. I love being able to walk into the house and take my pants off and then pick them up the next morning before work.
4. I can be dismissive of small problems. The people that I work with are always chaotic and frequently in crisis so if I come home or we go out and I have to hear about how Becky at work snubbed you at the water cooler and how that was the worst part of your day then I will probably tell you to consider yourself lucky.
5. I can be arrogant and condescending. I try really hard to keep myself in check, but there are some days when I do feel like what I do is vitally important and act like I am the only person who can do it. I feel like gay dating in some way sets people up to act this way though. People are always looking for the boyfriend with the best husband resume right? The abs....check....the job....check....the money...check...the do-gooder insta attitude...check.....the sexual prowess of a porn star...check....and the list goes on. I have actually been on a date when someone went through a mental checklist with me before deciding to go on to the next activity. Trying to figure out how to create the perfect husband resume and not come off like an arrogant prick is still something I am in a regular struggle about.
6. My relationship with my family can be a bit much for people. This is definitely something that I don't think I can change and its not really something I am interested in changing so I will need to figure out some kind of work around for this. Or just get someone who can understand or appreciate my family connection.
7. I'm greedy. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want a partner on my terms....when and how and as frequently as I can. I don't want terms to be dictated to me, but rather I want to be the one dictating the terms. I want the illustrious career, the blossoming academic reputation, and the 1950s Leave it to Beaver living situation.
8. I love to play devil's advocate. While I might be loyal to a fault outwardly, inwardly I will always pick the opposite side and just argue it out. I find this to be stimulating mental acrobatics, but many people just find it annoying and unnecessary.
9. I'm distrustful of anyone that likes or compliments me. The minute someone starts to show interest I assume there is some kind of ulterior motive. They want something from me or are trying to hook up with one of my friends. I also tend to keep interested men at arms length because when people like me I assume it is only a matter of time until they break up with me.
10. I'm a furnace when I sleep and I very rarely turn the heat on in my house. This is strange for some, but I love my house being a bit chilly. I would much rather put on a sweater or two or bake cookies in the oven than turn the heat on. I could probably compromise about this if ever given the opportunity honestly.
I think I'll stop at ten otherwise I'm not sure I will ever stop. I have a few stories I am going to try and write and get up in the next few weeks. I am going to the Berkshires and then I will be in Hawaii, so I am hoping for a little time to decompress.
Until next time!
Tchau...
Showing posts with label commitment phobia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commitment phobia. Show all posts
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Home and Old Friends
It is Easter weekend and I am home in my little Massachusetts town spending quality time with my friends and my family. And I am constantly bugged by my lack of an actual relationship ever in my life. I have never brought anyone home. I have never introduced a guy I was dating to any of my friends. I have never introduced a guy I was dating to my family. I have never even told my family that I was dating people. Does this make me weird? Is there something wrong with me?
I guess this is all part of what makes me a true commitment-phobe.....because all I really want is a relationship, but whenever I have the opportunity I find some reason why it can't happen. One of my best friends said tonight that I was a Fault Finder. At first I was totally offended and began defending myself and my dating habits. The truth is....he is right.
I am a Fault Finder, a total Fault Finder, but I don't think there is anything I can do about that really. I also question whether or not that is a bad thing. I think being a Fault Finder helps me to avoid a lot of really bad dating situations.
Then the same friend said something about me being pessimistic. But that is something that I just had to vehemently disagree with. I don't think I am pessimistic about love or relationships. I think I am quite the opposite actually. I am completely and totally hopeful that I have a Prince Charming. One day some guy is going to come sweep me off my feet and be perfect. I am going to know immediately that he is the one. There won't be a question. I won't be worried or scared, I will just know. Until that happens I guess I am going to continue to be a Fault Finder, until someone either proves me wrong, or shows up in my life sans faults.
I might be waiting forever.....maybe I will just get a dog.
Well....
Chau!!
I guess this is all part of what makes me a true commitment-phobe.....because all I really want is a relationship, but whenever I have the opportunity I find some reason why it can't happen. One of my best friends said tonight that I was a Fault Finder. At first I was totally offended and began defending myself and my dating habits. The truth is....he is right.
I am a Fault Finder, a total Fault Finder, but I don't think there is anything I can do about that really. I also question whether or not that is a bad thing. I think being a Fault Finder helps me to avoid a lot of really bad dating situations.
Then the same friend said something about me being pessimistic. But that is something that I just had to vehemently disagree with. I don't think I am pessimistic about love or relationships. I think I am quite the opposite actually. I am completely and totally hopeful that I have a Prince Charming. One day some guy is going to come sweep me off my feet and be perfect. I am going to know immediately that he is the one. There won't be a question. I won't be worried or scared, I will just know. Until that happens I guess I am going to continue to be a Fault Finder, until someone either proves me wrong, or shows up in my life sans faults.
I might be waiting forever.....maybe I will just get a dog.
Well....
Chau!!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Am I a CRAZY Magnet?
For those of you who have been following my blog for the last month or so you have already heard about Hickey. Those of you who are just tuning in....I suggest going back and reading the other two posts about him otherwise you will probably be very confused while you read this one.
I had a fourth date with Hickey yesterday and everything seemed to go as planned. We met up and this time we ended up getting smoothies and some food at Boloco, think a locally owned Qdoba. Its nice enough not what I would expect for a date but Hickey seemed to actually enjoy himself this time which was definitely a change of pace. I mean he still did the weird I'm going to stare at you in silence thing but it was less frequent, and he did talk a little bit this time and he actually ate something.
Not to get sidetracked, but I think this was this first time I have seen the guy eat in the four dates that we have had. He has a sick body don't get me wrong. The guy is skinny, but lately I have noticed throughout the course of our few dates he has bulked up some which is something I am definitely not going to complain about. Actually thinking back on it he ate on our second date but nothing extraordinary. If we're speaking frankly the guy, with his clothes on, looks like he could be in one of the Feed the Children commercials where they tell you that for less than the price of one cup of coffee you can feed a child for a day in some weird country you have never heard of in your life. It was nice to see him eat. Okay back to the main story...how shallow of me to get sidetracked about a guys weight and body type...you'd think I was gay or something...
After finishing eating we headed back to my room where he informed me we were definitely not going to be having sex....Ummm yea sure...
I realized when he said that that I definitely have a slight problem. I mean I can go a while without having sex with someone that I am dating, but once I have sex with you....GAME ON....I mean especially after only having had sex once.
So naturally we started going at it despite his insistence that we would definitely not be having sex that night. And as we were he asked if I wouldn't mind being a little bit rougher and a little more domineering. Now for those of you who are worried that this means I am going to turn this blog into some sort of gay version of the 50 Shades novels fear not...I put those books to shame. Let's be real don't unleash my inner sexual dominant side unless you are really ready to handle it. I read people pretty well so knowing exactly what buttons to push to get someone to be so filled with sexual desire they'd do anything is something that comes pretty naturally to me.
In the post-coital pillow talk we began talking more than we had the entire date so far, another thing that has become pretty typical with him and me. One of the first things I complimented him on his ability to control his texting me throughout the week. And in that conversation he asked once again about my dating life very indirectly and I informed him that I had been on a date since our last one with another guy. He did not take this very well....I had been so happy because I thought I had been wrong about him becoming a STAGE 12 CLINGER and then I got the reaction of a lifetime to what I thought was a seemingly innocuous answer to a pretty easy question. The guy literally clammed up and got pouty like a four year old who had been scolded for having one too many cookies. Then he got angry and said Well I thought that you weren't doing that anymore.
At this point I had been completely thrown off my game. I thought I had been explicitly clear with this guy regarding my desire to date people besides him. I thought I had been very clear that we weren't boyfriends and that we were simply two guys who were dating. Then he said I should have listened to my coworkers they said if you wanted to date other people that I shouldn't be with you.
Again I was thrown for a loop. I just started apologizing. I mean what else does one do in this situation. "I'm sorry if I miscommunicated with you. I tried to be very clear from the outset that that was not what I was looking for." And then it started, the pouting turned into an almost inaudible deep breathing which I have become all too familiar with working in an Emergency Department. It's the breath sound associated with the forthcoming tears. That's right the guy literally folded into my arms and was choking back tears because I had been on a date with someone besides him. I continued apologizing. "I'm sorry I'm a dickhead." "You deserve better than me." "I'm sorry I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression." "I'm sorry, please don't hate me." One of the last apologies I made was something along the lines of "Listen if you hate me for now, can we be friends eventually." Suddenly he went from sad and almost despondent to pissed. He got up and started getting dressed like he had some place to be.
I got up and started to try and talk to him and I probably would have had better luck getting a response from a wall. I offered to walk him to the train station, which he begrudgingly accepted. Then when we got to the station he stood there staring at me and acting as if I had seriously betrayed him. Before he left I got a very angry hug, you know the kind little kids give when they are being forced to apologize to someone against their will. I thought for sure things were completely done. This guy was going to hate me forever. Still I texted him about a half an hour later to make sure that he got home safely and I got the curtest answer possible....K.
And I thought it was over. I had a glass of wine, ordered some takeout, watched some TV and then fell asleep. In the morning I was awakened by the sound of my phone receiving not one, but multiple text messages in a row....11 to be exact.....for those of you curious, I have transcribed them below.....
Text 1
Good morning. To be honest no I don't hate you. Truth is I love/like you. I'm not falling too too hard for you. But deep down inside I love you. I know that sounds weird. Lol..
Text 2
I just want us to forget about what happened last night. Well not the sex part lol. That I enjoyed ALOT. I really and truly don't wanna lose you. And I would hope that in the future when your ready to settle that I'm the one but I can't decide that.
Text 3
I want to be more than friends with you and don't ever say that again, I was gonna punch you in the throat. I hate when guys break up with you and then they try to pull the friend card. That's a deal breaker for me. MAJOR RED FLAG. Lol.
Text 4
But again I don't wanna lose you. And I want to continue dating you. And I want us to have more and more sex. Please sir lol. I love spending time with you. Although we have our awkward moments but its cute.
Text 5
I do find you very attractive.
Text 6
I think what the problem is, is me. And I came to realize that now. And I'm sorry if I seen too dramatic about the whole thing. I'm sorry. I'm kinda embarrassed.
Text 7
But I wanna continue dating you. I don't hate you. No your not a douche, I had worse, your not a dick head,. I think your a tool though lol. Just being honest with that one.
Text 8
I'm new to this dating thing and I don't know how to deal with a guy that dates other guys.
Text 9
I like your honesty that's a plus.
Text 10
And one more thing I still wanna have sex with you.
Text 11
Lol...that's all I have to say I think lol. For now I guess, uh yeah...Lol. That's it hehe.
Now I am going to avoid breaking this down text by text because I feel like that might be overkill, but let's talk about some of the highlights shall we.
Good things: He recognizes that he was unreasonable. He thinks I'm attractive. He still wants to have sex with me.
Bad things: This guy is FUCKING CRAZY!!! I mean if you send me a text message with MAJOR RED FLAG in all capital letters then I think it would be remiss of me to ignore that as anything except a sign from whatever God or supreme being we are all supposed to believe in.
To me it is pretty obvious what must be done so I have texted Hickey about meeting tonight to discuss through some of this stuff. Normally I would throw out the friend card or the fuck buddy card to sort of save face, but I am thinking that Hickey is not the type of guy that can emotionally handle something like that. He needs concrete lines and delineations in his life, which is exactly the kind of thing that I am trying to avoid. Whether me bailing on this guy is a result of my commitment phobia, or his absolute insanity is probably something up for questioning, but either way I think this is the death of Hickey.
We shall see what the night has in store, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Until next time...
Chau!!!
I had a fourth date with Hickey yesterday and everything seemed to go as planned. We met up and this time we ended up getting smoothies and some food at Boloco, think a locally owned Qdoba. Its nice enough not what I would expect for a date but Hickey seemed to actually enjoy himself this time which was definitely a change of pace. I mean he still did the weird I'm going to stare at you in silence thing but it was less frequent, and he did talk a little bit this time and he actually ate something.
Not to get sidetracked, but I think this was this first time I have seen the guy eat in the four dates that we have had. He has a sick body don't get me wrong. The guy is skinny, but lately I have noticed throughout the course of our few dates he has bulked up some which is something I am definitely not going to complain about. Actually thinking back on it he ate on our second date but nothing extraordinary. If we're speaking frankly the guy, with his clothes on, looks like he could be in one of the Feed the Children commercials where they tell you that for less than the price of one cup of coffee you can feed a child for a day in some weird country you have never heard of in your life. It was nice to see him eat. Okay back to the main story...how shallow of me to get sidetracked about a guys weight and body type...you'd think I was gay or something...
After finishing eating we headed back to my room where he informed me we were definitely not going to be having sex....Ummm yea sure...
I realized when he said that that I definitely have a slight problem. I mean I can go a while without having sex with someone that I am dating, but once I have sex with you....GAME ON....I mean especially after only having had sex once.
So naturally we started going at it despite his insistence that we would definitely not be having sex that night. And as we were he asked if I wouldn't mind being a little bit rougher and a little more domineering. Now for those of you who are worried that this means I am going to turn this blog into some sort of gay version of the 50 Shades novels fear not...I put those books to shame. Let's be real don't unleash my inner sexual dominant side unless you are really ready to handle it. I read people pretty well so knowing exactly what buttons to push to get someone to be so filled with sexual desire they'd do anything is something that comes pretty naturally to me.
*****NSFW*****
We started with the pretty normal Suck my dick, bitch kind of stuff while I completely ignored the fact that his cock even existed, a feat which would have been much easier had his dick not been so big and hard and dripping. Then stuff tended to move into the more aggressive side with me throwing him around, slapping his ass, a little bit of spitting, a little bit more of me beating up on his body. And then I couldn't take it anymore and I flipped him over and just started fucking his ass. Initially he definitely pulled away a little bit, but after a few minutes he really got into it and started to slam his ass back against me. The guy just wanted the dick. I then proceeded to tease him a little bit more and after a few more minutes I flipped him over and started to fuck him while looking into his eyes. He couldn't take it anymore. I don't know if he couldn't take it because he was going to cum or because his ass was sore, but either way he insisted I stop. So being the gentleman I am, I obliged and removed my dick from his ass. We finished each other off with very little finesse. A lot of dirty talk, which has somehow become a specialty of ours, and him slurping up my load. All in a date's work....or so I thought.
****SFW****
In the post-coital pillow talk we began talking more than we had the entire date so far, another thing that has become pretty typical with him and me. One of the first things I complimented him on his ability to control his texting me throughout the week. And in that conversation he asked once again about my dating life very indirectly and I informed him that I had been on a date since our last one with another guy. He did not take this very well....I had been so happy because I thought I had been wrong about him becoming a STAGE 12 CLINGER and then I got the reaction of a lifetime to what I thought was a seemingly innocuous answer to a pretty easy question. The guy literally clammed up and got pouty like a four year old who had been scolded for having one too many cookies. Then he got angry and said Well I thought that you weren't doing that anymore.
At this point I had been completely thrown off my game. I thought I had been explicitly clear with this guy regarding my desire to date people besides him. I thought I had been very clear that we weren't boyfriends and that we were simply two guys who were dating. Then he said I should have listened to my coworkers they said if you wanted to date other people that I shouldn't be with you.
Again I was thrown for a loop. I just started apologizing. I mean what else does one do in this situation. "I'm sorry if I miscommunicated with you. I tried to be very clear from the outset that that was not what I was looking for." And then it started, the pouting turned into an almost inaudible deep breathing which I have become all too familiar with working in an Emergency Department. It's the breath sound associated with the forthcoming tears. That's right the guy literally folded into my arms and was choking back tears because I had been on a date with someone besides him. I continued apologizing. "I'm sorry I'm a dickhead." "You deserve better than me." "I'm sorry I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression." "I'm sorry, please don't hate me." One of the last apologies I made was something along the lines of "Listen if you hate me for now, can we be friends eventually." Suddenly he went from sad and almost despondent to pissed. He got up and started getting dressed like he had some place to be.
I got up and started to try and talk to him and I probably would have had better luck getting a response from a wall. I offered to walk him to the train station, which he begrudgingly accepted. Then when we got to the station he stood there staring at me and acting as if I had seriously betrayed him. Before he left I got a very angry hug, you know the kind little kids give when they are being forced to apologize to someone against their will. I thought for sure things were completely done. This guy was going to hate me forever. Still I texted him about a half an hour later to make sure that he got home safely and I got the curtest answer possible....K.
And I thought it was over. I had a glass of wine, ordered some takeout, watched some TV and then fell asleep. In the morning I was awakened by the sound of my phone receiving not one, but multiple text messages in a row....11 to be exact.....for those of you curious, I have transcribed them below.....
Text 1
Good morning. To be honest no I don't hate you. Truth is I love/like you. I'm not falling too too hard for you. But deep down inside I love you. I know that sounds weird. Lol..
Text 2
I just want us to forget about what happened last night. Well not the sex part lol. That I enjoyed ALOT. I really and truly don't wanna lose you. And I would hope that in the future when your ready to settle that I'm the one but I can't decide that.
Text 3
I want to be more than friends with you and don't ever say that again, I was gonna punch you in the throat. I hate when guys break up with you and then they try to pull the friend card. That's a deal breaker for me. MAJOR RED FLAG. Lol.
Text 4
But again I don't wanna lose you. And I want to continue dating you. And I want us to have more and more sex. Please sir lol. I love spending time with you. Although we have our awkward moments but its cute.
Text 5
I do find you very attractive.
Text 6
I think what the problem is, is me. And I came to realize that now. And I'm sorry if I seen too dramatic about the whole thing. I'm sorry. I'm kinda embarrassed.
Text 7
But I wanna continue dating you. I don't hate you. No your not a douche, I had worse, your not a dick head,. I think your a tool though lol. Just being honest with that one.
Text 8
I'm new to this dating thing and I don't know how to deal with a guy that dates other guys.
Text 9
I like your honesty that's a plus.
Text 10
And one more thing I still wanna have sex with you.
Text 11
Lol...that's all I have to say I think lol. For now I guess, uh yeah...Lol. That's it hehe.
Now I am going to avoid breaking this down text by text because I feel like that might be overkill, but let's talk about some of the highlights shall we.
Good things: He recognizes that he was unreasonable. He thinks I'm attractive. He still wants to have sex with me.
Bad things: This guy is FUCKING CRAZY!!! I mean if you send me a text message with MAJOR RED FLAG in all capital letters then I think it would be remiss of me to ignore that as anything except a sign from whatever God or supreme being we are all supposed to believe in.
To me it is pretty obvious what must be done so I have texted Hickey about meeting tonight to discuss through some of this stuff. Normally I would throw out the friend card or the fuck buddy card to sort of save face, but I am thinking that Hickey is not the type of guy that can emotionally handle something like that. He needs concrete lines and delineations in his life, which is exactly the kind of thing that I am trying to avoid. Whether me bailing on this guy is a result of my commitment phobia, or his absolute insanity is probably something up for questioning, but either way I think this is the death of Hickey.
We shall see what the night has in store, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Until next time...
Chau!!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
New Year....Same Shit....
I have a few updates....
First, FTA is no longer. I didn't even have to break it to him in person. He texted me and basically knew it wasn't going to work. It was pretty painless actually which is pretty unusual for one of my dating adventures...well almost.
On New Years Eve I got a few texts from FTA. Most were normal, "So I guess we aren't going to be a thing" type texts but then there were a few that were pretty judgmental. I'm paraphrasing but basically a 25 year old virgin recovering alcoholic told me that I should examine my life and how fast I move with guys. Honestly, for a brief second I was a little concerned....and then he added, "But who knows, I mean I could go my whole life without sex and be fine" I mean who the Fuck says that.... Virgins...that's who....
After FTA I met another guy on OKCupid. This guy is 25 too, but has a job as a healthcare consultant, has his own apartment, and definitely has his life together which is a nice change of pace compared to FTA. I'm thinking I am going to call this one KFlip. He is actually really attractive, a little short, but he is Filipino and has a great body and cute face. He's smart and can carry on a conversation. But like every person I have ever dated there is always a catch right.... Per usual....He ISN'T OUT!!! Seriously I don't know why/how this keeps happening. I mean he is out to a certain extent. He is out to people in Boston and one of his brothers, but he isn't out to his friends and family in Chicago where he is from at all. Its not a problem so far he has been really great to go out with actually.
We have had two real dates. The first was coffee followed by sushi followed by a little bit of kissing at his place. The second date was even cuter. We went to Kings which is a bowling place here in Boston. We got drinks and food and bowled. It was very much a couple type of date which was nice. Then we went back to his place and fooled around. We didn't have sex, but we definitely got pretty hot and heavy, but at some point we sort stopped fooling around and took a nap. The funny thing was he was really really into it and then all of a sudden he wasn't anymore. I don't really know what happened. He kept saying that he liked me and that it wasn't me but I still can't help but think it was me.
To sort of ease the awkwardness I suggested we watch some TV so we laid on the couch and watched Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, my own horniness got the best of me and I definitely think I started to annoy him with my kissing him and stuff. He said he wanted to see me tomorrow though and take things slower. Its probably not a bad idea actually. I do sort of like him so we shall see where this one goes.
Then one more brief update about Romeo. Somehow Romeo sneaked right back into my life the same way he sneaked out. I am directing a musical this semester....I know its super gay, but hold your judgment...Lord knows I have enough to be judged for already. So Romeo saunters into my auditions after having not spoken to me in probably a month or so and belts As Long as Your Mine. Alright...I mean are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.... for my musical deprived friends...here's a video of the song so you know what it was that was being sung....
Yea that was a bit awkward for me to say the very least. What was worse is the fact that after my auditions that night I ran into him at the bar. While at the bar some frat guy started flirting with him and hitting on him and he kept coming over to me and the people we have as mutual friends to tell me all about it. I wanted to scream. And then he acted like it wasn't weird and gave me a hug when he left. Part of me definitely still likes him and wishes that it had been something that it wasn't. Part of me knows that it definitely worked out for the best though. He was not right for me and needs time to figure himself out, that's for sure. I hope that at some point we can have some sort of a conversation about it not being a thing anymore, but I am not holding out hope.
I guess for now I am just going to see where things go with KFlip. Maybe this time it will work out...at least for a little while. Who knows?
Chau!!
First, FTA is no longer. I didn't even have to break it to him in person. He texted me and basically knew it wasn't going to work. It was pretty painless actually which is pretty unusual for one of my dating adventures...well almost.
On New Years Eve I got a few texts from FTA. Most were normal, "So I guess we aren't going to be a thing" type texts but then there were a few that were pretty judgmental. I'm paraphrasing but basically a 25 year old virgin recovering alcoholic told me that I should examine my life and how fast I move with guys. Honestly, for a brief second I was a little concerned....and then he added, "But who knows, I mean I could go my whole life without sex and be fine" I mean who the Fuck says that.... Virgins...that's who....
After FTA I met another guy on OKCupid. This guy is 25 too, but has a job as a healthcare consultant, has his own apartment, and definitely has his life together which is a nice change of pace compared to FTA. I'm thinking I am going to call this one KFlip. He is actually really attractive, a little short, but he is Filipino and has a great body and cute face. He's smart and can carry on a conversation. But like every person I have ever dated there is always a catch right.... Per usual....He ISN'T OUT!!! Seriously I don't know why/how this keeps happening. I mean he is out to a certain extent. He is out to people in Boston and one of his brothers, but he isn't out to his friends and family in Chicago where he is from at all. Its not a problem so far he has been really great to go out with actually.
We have had two real dates. The first was coffee followed by sushi followed by a little bit of kissing at his place. The second date was even cuter. We went to Kings which is a bowling place here in Boston. We got drinks and food and bowled. It was very much a couple type of date which was nice. Then we went back to his place and fooled around. We didn't have sex, but we definitely got pretty hot and heavy, but at some point we sort stopped fooling around and took a nap. The funny thing was he was really really into it and then all of a sudden he wasn't anymore. I don't really know what happened. He kept saying that he liked me and that it wasn't me but I still can't help but think it was me.
To sort of ease the awkwardness I suggested we watch some TV so we laid on the couch and watched Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, my own horniness got the best of me and I definitely think I started to annoy him with my kissing him and stuff. He said he wanted to see me tomorrow though and take things slower. Its probably not a bad idea actually. I do sort of like him so we shall see where this one goes.
Then one more brief update about Romeo. Somehow Romeo sneaked right back into my life the same way he sneaked out. I am directing a musical this semester....I know its super gay, but hold your judgment...Lord knows I have enough to be judged for already. So Romeo saunters into my auditions after having not spoken to me in probably a month or so and belts As Long as Your Mine. Alright...I mean are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.... for my musical deprived friends...here's a video of the song so you know what it was that was being sung....
Yea that was a bit awkward for me to say the very least. What was worse is the fact that after my auditions that night I ran into him at the bar. While at the bar some frat guy started flirting with him and hitting on him and he kept coming over to me and the people we have as mutual friends to tell me all about it. I wanted to scream. And then he acted like it wasn't weird and gave me a hug when he left. Part of me definitely still likes him and wishes that it had been something that it wasn't. Part of me knows that it definitely worked out for the best though. He was not right for me and needs time to figure himself out, that's for sure. I hope that at some point we can have some sort of a conversation about it not being a thing anymore, but I am not holding out hope.
I guess for now I am just going to see where things go with KFlip. Maybe this time it will work out...at least for a little while. Who knows?
Chau!!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Well....I got my Mojo Back....
Maybe I shouldn't have complained about my missing Mojo....
I got it back and had a few flirty encounters this weekend one that even ended in a real date.
I mean it was a real date until I screwed it up and made it all weird again....and seriously I am straight back to my old ways....well not straight back, but you get what I mean. So the guy I went on a date with last night. He is a self-proclaimed alcoholic, but not like HaHa-funny-I'm-A-24-year-old-Alcoholic more like the I Attend Meetings Almost Every Night of the Week-Have been to a Halfway House-Could Have been on the Dr. Drew show-Alcoholic. So that is just perfect.
Let me cut to the chase this guy....we will call him FTA....short for Fast Talking Alchie...I know that seems mean which is why I am going to stick with the abbreviation. So FTA is not really my type at all...First off he is super white and tans regularly...yep he is a tanning bed baby...oy vey. On top of this and the recovering alcoholic thing I have never met a more anxious person in my entire life. Seriously he talked a mile a minute and I could barely get a word in edge wise but it was clear it was because he was nervous. I decided it was probably best if I invited him back to my apartment after our short coffee date because I felt like maybe in a more homey type of setting he would be more comfortable.
He had an AA meeting to go to at 8 naturally so he asked if maybe he could come by afterward. I said we should see when he got out first. Cut to me in my living room alone eating Whole Foods soup and watching the WORST VH1 Divas concert EVER and saying why don't you jsut come by you can spend the night if you want. That's right....I blame the 2012 VH1 Divas Live Concert on my PLC to bring a recovering alcoholic home with me overnight after a first date....
We started kissing and FTA just couldn't hang. He was so fidgety and nervous. Then he admitted he has only ever done anything with three guys. Could you imagine??? So sad. But I digress, an hour or so later I had FTA calm enough to just enjoy my company. So we swapped some blowjobs and the next disappointing factor of FTA came to fruition.....his dick was small and had a skin tag, which I may or may not have mistaken for HPV and questioned him on which I think only made him more nervous....OOOOPS!
A shower finished off our little tryst and then we split a bag of potato chips while watching some old rerun of Roseanne, he popped some pills and we went to bed. FTA wanted me to go shopping with him today....yes he is one of those gays, but I politely lied my way out of it by pretending my phone call from a computer service was work calling me to draw blood on a patient in Dorchester....Isn't it great to have a job that you can get called in for??
Now I have the dilemma of course of how to break it to this guy that I don't think its going to work. I mean for Christ's sake he left a message that said "Your hot" in marker on my mirror.....how do you tell someone that is only cute in movies? Well I am sure I will figure it out....I'm thinking a second date with something definitive planned after that I HAVE to be at so I can make my exit...or maybe just say I went home for Xmas and forget to text him when I get back from holiday??? Who knows, I'll have to think of something so I'm not responsible for this kid falling off the wagon.
I guess that's all I have for now....but good news for all of you my MOJO is back....bad news for my dating life, but probably funny reading to be had by all in the near future.
Chau!!!!
I got it back and had a few flirty encounters this weekend one that even ended in a real date.
I mean it was a real date until I screwed it up and made it all weird again....and seriously I am straight back to my old ways....well not straight back, but you get what I mean. So the guy I went on a date with last night. He is a self-proclaimed alcoholic, but not like HaHa-funny-I'm-A-24-year-old-Alcoholic more like the I Attend Meetings Almost Every Night of the Week-Have been to a Halfway House-Could Have been on the Dr. Drew show-Alcoholic. So that is just perfect.
Let me cut to the chase this guy....we will call him FTA....short for Fast Talking Alchie...I know that seems mean which is why I am going to stick with the abbreviation. So FTA is not really my type at all...First off he is super white and tans regularly...yep he is a tanning bed baby...oy vey. On top of this and the recovering alcoholic thing I have never met a more anxious person in my entire life. Seriously he talked a mile a minute and I could barely get a word in edge wise but it was clear it was because he was nervous. I decided it was probably best if I invited him back to my apartment after our short coffee date because I felt like maybe in a more homey type of setting he would be more comfortable.
He had an AA meeting to go to at 8 naturally so he asked if maybe he could come by afterward. I said we should see when he got out first. Cut to me in my living room alone eating Whole Foods soup and watching the WORST VH1 Divas concert EVER and saying why don't you jsut come by you can spend the night if you want. That's right....I blame the 2012 VH1 Divas Live Concert on my PLC to bring a recovering alcoholic home with me overnight after a first date....
We started kissing and FTA just couldn't hang. He was so fidgety and nervous. Then he admitted he has only ever done anything with three guys. Could you imagine??? So sad. But I digress, an hour or so later I had FTA calm enough to just enjoy my company. So we swapped some blowjobs and the next disappointing factor of FTA came to fruition.....his dick was small and had a skin tag, which I may or may not have mistaken for HPV and questioned him on which I think only made him more nervous....OOOOPS!
A shower finished off our little tryst and then we split a bag of potato chips while watching some old rerun of Roseanne, he popped some pills and we went to bed. FTA wanted me to go shopping with him today....yes he is one of those gays, but I politely lied my way out of it by pretending my phone call from a computer service was work calling me to draw blood on a patient in Dorchester....Isn't it great to have a job that you can get called in for??
Now I have the dilemma of course of how to break it to this guy that I don't think its going to work. I mean for Christ's sake he left a message that said "Your hot" in marker on my mirror.....how do you tell someone that is only cute in movies? Well I am sure I will figure it out....I'm thinking a second date with something definitive planned after that I HAVE to be at so I can make my exit...or maybe just say I went home for Xmas and forget to text him when I get back from holiday??? Who knows, I'll have to think of something so I'm not responsible for this kid falling off the wagon.
I guess that's all I have for now....but good news for all of you my MOJO is back....bad news for my dating life, but probably funny reading to be had by all in the near future.
Chau!!!!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Back to Basics
I'm pretty sure I lost my Mojo.
Wait let me back track. So Romeo is officially dead as far as I'm concerned. I haven't heard from him since I decided I was going to stop texting/messaging him. Nothing...not a hi, not a how are you, not a I'd love a bj....nothing, which I can only assume means he is absolutely not interested in anything I have to offer or anything at all.
And after I realized all of that I ended up going out a few times and realized that any game I thought I had before had been stripped of me in the few months I hadn't used it. I was now just like the stupid gaybies without an idea in the world of how to flirt with someone at the bar. What happened to me??
The first time it happened I went out with one fo my good friends. We went to two different places. The first was this really busy commercial bar and directly across from us was a cute gay guy with his girl friend as well. despite my best efforts to attempt to get some flirting to happen. NOTHING. I couldn't even manage to figure out how to do the eye contact thing. Then a flaming black guy, I mean Liberace but left in the oven to long kind of flaming, came and sat right next to me. I assumed this was a sure sign that eventually he would do the creepy older guy hit on my kind of thing that I was so used to, "Maybe I would get a free drink," I thought. But NOTHING, again. It was so disappointing that my friend and I decided we would head over to another bar and see how we did there.
On the way we started singing obnoxiously on the street, Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody, of course. Two things you should know: Both my friend and I have been singing for basically our whole lives and we aren't completely terrible and we both LOVE karaoke. So in the moment our plans changed and we headed to this karaoke bar in Boston called Limelight. Usually places like this with a stage and a fairly gay crowd were my bread and butter in terms of getting hit on/ getting a phone number or date. But NOTHING. Several songs and several beers later and I ended up walking home with my friend as she feverishly texted her military man and practically ran dragging me through the city so she could get home and skype him.
That night sitting alone in my apartment and eating a bag of chips I realized I lost my MOJO. I don't know when or how it happened but it did. I had been out the entire night and hadn't managed to talk to a single cute guy, but worse than that not even a single creepy guy hit on me.
Then again last night I went out to a place in Boston that use to be perfect, Howl at the Moon. Just the right mix of fun straight drunk girls, some of the appropriate gay friends, and all of the straight guys that refuse to dance. It makes it very obvious who is playing for my team and through dancing with the drunk girls you usually get to introduce yourself to their group of friends and thus their corresponding gays. For whatever reason last night I simply couldn't make it happen. There were at least three or four cute gay guys who were definitely eyeing me, I think at least, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them and apparently wasn't appealing enough for them to talk to me. What was even more frustrating was a my type was there with a group of 5 white girls, and I just couldn't make a move. Then he went to the bathroom and I thought maybe I can use there hags to introduce myself so I asked if there friend was gay assuming the answer would be yes and I could say, "I knew it, my friends and I were having a contest and I just won", but of course the answer came back as "No he's straight". I thought to myself of how typical this was. I again had locked my focus on the one closeted asshole in the bar. I mean what the fuck is wrong with me that I can never just like a gay guy. Back to the point, I have totally lost my Mojo and I don't quite know how I'm going to get it back.
I guess that is going to be my goal for the next few weeks, find my MOJO. I mean it only took me what 20 years the first time right so it shouldn't take me that long the second go around right. I mean by that math maybe I will have found someone by 35!
Well I guess that's all I have for now....a depressing story about my lost mojo.....I hope you at least get a kick out of it.
Chau!!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Slow and Painful Death of Romeo
Here's the thing....Romeo is not dead. He is still very much alive and still very much a part of my life, but I get the feeling this is fizzling. This may just be the commitment-phobe in me talking now but I'm pretty sure this is fading slowly.
For starters....I still haven't had sex with Romeo. I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is.....its a huge problem actually. I have done everything except have sex with him. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me and that is why he isn't interested. I know the reality is he wants me to be his boyfriend before he has sex with me, but that isn't going to happen because it seems as though he is never coming out to his parents. So basically we are at a stalemate.
At this point our dating relationship is I come over to watch the Walking Dead, I blow him, and I go home. Now normally I would be completely okay with this kind of scenario so long as I knew this was my place in the world. However, he keeps acting as though we are going to be together or this is going to somehow progress beyond what it is. I realized this week that it never will.
Its Romeo's birthday this week and I wasn't even asked if I could join in on the festivities. I did see him, but I am pretty sure its only because he thinks I went out with another guy one night this week. Its surprising how jealous he gets for not really wanting me. I'm just fed up with the fake being led on or the hope that this might be something real for once. So I have turned back to going out with my friends, online dating, and just enjoying when I get hit on. What else is a boy to do really?
Sometimes I think I am never going to find anyone I can call a boyfriend. And do you know what I blame for this....my weird childhood obsession with the movie Cinderella. No not the cartoon Disney version. The version with Whitney Houston and Brandy. I have become reobsessed as of late and I'm telling you that movie and my fixation on finding a Prince Charming as ruined dating for me. Anyone who isn't perfect just seems to end up in my pile of goings through or ends up as a friend I occasionally fool around with....is it just me though??? Or is this how dating is now? If someone doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right are they just doomed to be Mr. When-its-Convenient-because-you're-nice?
All I know is that just like in the play it seems Romeo is slowly ending his life. I just don't want someone who doesn't really want me. I am convenient for him. So I have stopped sending the first text message. I have stopped suggesting things to do. I have stopped worrying about what we are. It is what it is in the end right? What do I care? I enjoy the time I spend with him even if it is just blowing him while he watches zombies eat people's guts and brains.... (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence)
Oh how very typical of my life.
Good news is....with the death of Romeo slowly approaching I may be posting a little bit more frequently....actually I have another post I'm planning so I will keep you posted.
Until then....Chau!!!
For starters....I still haven't had sex with Romeo. I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is.....its a huge problem actually. I have done everything except have sex with him. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me and that is why he isn't interested. I know the reality is he wants me to be his boyfriend before he has sex with me, but that isn't going to happen because it seems as though he is never coming out to his parents. So basically we are at a stalemate.
At this point our dating relationship is I come over to watch the Walking Dead, I blow him, and I go home. Now normally I would be completely okay with this kind of scenario so long as I knew this was my place in the world. However, he keeps acting as though we are going to be together or this is going to somehow progress beyond what it is. I realized this week that it never will.
Its Romeo's birthday this week and I wasn't even asked if I could join in on the festivities. I did see him, but I am pretty sure its only because he thinks I went out with another guy one night this week. Its surprising how jealous he gets for not really wanting me. I'm just fed up with the fake being led on or the hope that this might be something real for once. So I have turned back to going out with my friends, online dating, and just enjoying when I get hit on. What else is a boy to do really?
Sometimes I think I am never going to find anyone I can call a boyfriend. And do you know what I blame for this....my weird childhood obsession with the movie Cinderella. No not the cartoon Disney version. The version with Whitney Houston and Brandy. I have become reobsessed as of late and I'm telling you that movie and my fixation on finding a Prince Charming as ruined dating for me. Anyone who isn't perfect just seems to end up in my pile of goings through or ends up as a friend I occasionally fool around with....is it just me though??? Or is this how dating is now? If someone doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right are they just doomed to be Mr. When-its-Convenient-because-you're-nice?
All I know is that just like in the play it seems Romeo is slowly ending his life. I just don't want someone who doesn't really want me. I am convenient for him. So I have stopped sending the first text message. I have stopped suggesting things to do. I have stopped worrying about what we are. It is what it is in the end right? What do I care? I enjoy the time I spend with him even if it is just blowing him while he watches zombies eat people's guts and brains.... (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence)
Oh how very typical of my life.
Good news is....with the death of Romeo slowly approaching I may be posting a little bit more frequently....actually I have another post I'm planning so I will keep you posted.
Until then....Chau!!!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Signs from God
Do you every feel like you are getting a sign from God???
Okay this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I feel like this a lot of the time. I don't mean it in like a weird I-hear-voices-God-is-talking-to-me-and-I-Need-meds sort of a way......I just mean
Do you ever feel like Fate is trying to make a point?
Here is the dilemma....
I NEVER dream....like never NEVER NEVER dream....and in the last two night I have had a dream each night. Now I could attribute this to the new NUtritious Cookies that I purchased and have been eating one or two before bed each night, but that would be rational and reasonable...so of course I am choosing to believe these dreams are some power stronger than myself trying to send me a message. So lets break em down shall we?
DREAM 1: The first dream basically had me upset because Romeo was fucking another guy this whole time. I blew this one off because quite frankly I don't think Romeo has it in him. Also I blew it off because I'm not really sure I would be upset if Romeo was fucking someone else. This dream did leave me with a sour taste in my mouth though. Is it odd that a little piece me felt hurt by a dream? Irrelevant I guess, but interesting to think about.
Dream 2: The second dream had me in a relationship with another guy, not Romeo, but running into Romeo out. Basically in this dream Romeo avoided me like the plague and I'm still not sure if it was because I was upset at him or if he was upset at me.
Basically the point is I find it very weird that I never dream and in the last two days I have had dreams about Romeo....does that mean this guy has managed to squirm his way into my inner psyche already? Are the dreams signs or warnings that I should get out now before things get more involved? Are the dreams just trying to give me the heads up that Romeo isn't as into this whole thing as I am?
Then the Fates to confuse me a little bit more sent me something strange today as I was leaving work. I was waiting for the Orange Line and one of the most attractive mixed race guys I have seen in a long time came up to me and just struck up a conversation. He was hot as hell and my type to a T. He had muscles, brown skin, was a football player, great dresser, was going back to college for a marketing degree...and he was talking and flirting with me. I couldn't believe it....I have always wanted that to happen so of course it does when I am having all of these complicated...dare I say it....feelings for Romeo. Is it a sign that my dream man is still out there and that Romeo isn't good for right now? Is it a sign that I should just go for it with Romeo because my dream guy will still be out there if this doesn't work?
I honestly have no idea what the fuck any of this means....all I do know is it has brought into question a lot of the feelings I am having about Romeo....I'm just not sure it is all its cracked up to be...
Have I made him to be better than he is in my head? Do I want too much? Am I settling or am I compromising because I really like him? Are these things signs or hallucinations? Should I get some sort of psych eval?
Clearly the answer is still waiting for me to discover it...so off to bed I go...let's see if anymore weird dreams await me.
Until Later
Chau!!!
Okay this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but I feel like this a lot of the time. I don't mean it in like a weird I-hear-voices-God-is-talking-to-me-and-I-Need-meds sort of a way......I just mean
Do you ever feel like Fate is trying to make a point?
Here is the dilemma....
I NEVER dream....like never NEVER NEVER dream....and in the last two night I have had a dream each night. Now I could attribute this to the new NUtritious Cookies that I purchased and have been eating one or two before bed each night, but that would be rational and reasonable...so of course I am choosing to believe these dreams are some power stronger than myself trying to send me a message. So lets break em down shall we?
DREAM 1: The first dream basically had me upset because Romeo was fucking another guy this whole time. I blew this one off because quite frankly I don't think Romeo has it in him. Also I blew it off because I'm not really sure I would be upset if Romeo was fucking someone else. This dream did leave me with a sour taste in my mouth though. Is it odd that a little piece me felt hurt by a dream? Irrelevant I guess, but interesting to think about.
Dream 2: The second dream had me in a relationship with another guy, not Romeo, but running into Romeo out. Basically in this dream Romeo avoided me like the plague and I'm still not sure if it was because I was upset at him or if he was upset at me.
Basically the point is I find it very weird that I never dream and in the last two days I have had dreams about Romeo....does that mean this guy has managed to squirm his way into my inner psyche already? Are the dreams signs or warnings that I should get out now before things get more involved? Are the dreams just trying to give me the heads up that Romeo isn't as into this whole thing as I am?
Then the Fates to confuse me a little bit more sent me something strange today as I was leaving work. I was waiting for the Orange Line and one of the most attractive mixed race guys I have seen in a long time came up to me and just struck up a conversation. He was hot as hell and my type to a T. He had muscles, brown skin, was a football player, great dresser, was going back to college for a marketing degree...and he was talking and flirting with me. I couldn't believe it....I have always wanted that to happen so of course it does when I am having all of these complicated...dare I say it....feelings for Romeo. Is it a sign that my dream man is still out there and that Romeo isn't good for right now? Is it a sign that I should just go for it with Romeo because my dream guy will still be out there if this doesn't work?
I honestly have no idea what the fuck any of this means....all I do know is it has brought into question a lot of the feelings I am having about Romeo....I'm just not sure it is all its cracked up to be...
Have I made him to be better than he is in my head? Do I want too much? Am I settling or am I compromising because I really like him? Are these things signs or hallucinations? Should I get some sort of psych eval?
Clearly the answer is still waiting for me to discover it...so off to bed I go...let's see if anymore weird dreams await me.
Until Later
Chau!!!
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